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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

questioning my marriage

44 replies

Bigmomma28 · 08/11/2016 16:52

Please help me!
I am about to be very honest about an issue I have never said out loud to another human being. I have to say it here because I need honest advice and this is eating me alive!
So I am married and DH is sweet. He helps out a lot at home with chores and the baby as well and I am so thankful.
BUT...he is not ambitious at all! We are currently living in a house owned by his parents and every single time I bring up buying our own property together later in life we have a big fight. He says he is content with where he is. We have a tiny three door car and I find it difficult getting in the back with the baby. I have mentioned the car is unsuitable for parents with a baby; it was hell squeezing in there while coming home from the hospital with the baby but he says he will have to pay more in insurance and petrol so not keen on a bigger car. I have worked all my life and doing just 16 hours now because of baby and will be going back full time next year. He has hinted that I will be doing some heavy lifting financially when I start working full time...I said no problem because we both know I will be making more money than him. Then he has told me that if my income gets up to 50k he will stop working altogether as he sees no need to keep on working where his wife is earning 50k per year.
This attitude of his worries me so much because of my father...he had a highly underpaid job, relied heavily on my mum and never looked after me and my siblings. My mum brought all five of her children up to the best of her ability and we kids struggled to go through school and do the rest.
I love my husband but when he cannot be asked to get a better job or talk about quitting work to live on my salary or make investments that will make our lives better, I feel like my worst fear has come upon me ie I have married a man like my father.
I feel miserable and it is beginning to affect my well being and my relationship with him ie our sex life.
I need advice please, thanks people xx

OP posts:
user1471462115 · 08/11/2016 20:29

How on Earth will he pay his NI contributions ?

My reading of the future of benefits and pensions in the uk is that without a fully paid up contribution you will get nothing.......

I could not cope with this lack of ambition at all, nor the interference from the in laws. Buy your own car and kettle tomorrow.

offside · 08/11/2016 20:35

Does he know that 50k is not actually that much money after tax? What kind of world is he living in?

After my previous relationships, one where I worked two jobs, 7 days a week and my ex sat on his arse watching porn all day, I vowed that I would never be with someone again who I had to support. My DP has jokingly once said that when I start earning more in 10 years or so, he will give up work and be a full time dad, he was only joking, but I didn't take it as a joke and soon shot him down that, if that as the case I would be leaving. He hasn't said anything remotely similar since, jokingly or otherwise.

I would seriously consider the longevity of this relationship.

Original poster
Bigmomma28 · 08/11/2016 20:44

He is middle aged, that's why I am worried. If he was in his twenties I wouldn't really worry as there would still be room for ambition to grow.
Yes we do pay rent to his parents. And I bought a new kettle today Wink
Seems I have to do some thinking and soul searching tonight. I love him very much but I am not sure if I will still be in love ten years from now if he doesn't work with me as a team (with our finances). Wish I had known about his retirement plan while we were dating, just assumed he wanted same things that I wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmomma28 · 08/11/2016 20:48

If he would do most of the housework and look after dc and other children when they come as PP wrote then I won't feel so resentful for being the major breadwinner

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmomma28 · 08/11/2016 20:55

@nicenewdusters
Yes he is tight with money too

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 09/11/2016 05:43

I would be aiming to get divorced asap in your shoes before you end up having more salary and him being entitled to it.

To get what you want you'll gave to go it alone or he will financially sink all your dreams.

Get some serious financial advice from someone who knows tan and divorce law. And do it soon.

creativevoid · 09/11/2016 06:13

Please listen to the people who are telling you to think about what would happen if you divorce. I had a similar situation and had to fight tooth and nail to get my kids half time. I had to pay maintenance to him for a year and the only reason it wasn't longer was he got half of our not inconsiderable assets -90% of which were down to me. And the reason it didn't end worse for me was there were other circumstances (domestic abuse). Don't put yourself in this position. It's pretty galling to do everything, pay for everything, and then have some cocklodger tell a court they are a hard done by sahp. If he won't pull his weight get rid of him fast.

creativevoid · 09/11/2016 06:14

Also the situation with your in laws sounds very messed up. This story will run and run - think hard about leaving.

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 09/11/2016 06:18

Your home is not even your own if your mil thinks she can choose what you have in it.
You will really need to think about a plan if this man decides to just throw in his job and not even discuss with you what he thinks he can get away with.
Going by his parents they are skivvies to him and now expects you to be the same.
You know to change the game here is to take ownership of your home and decorate your home to my taste and screw anyone that says different.
And also his parents are sounding pretty full on.
You don't get any peace and quiet as they are always around.
Do the parents have a key to your home as why does the mil get any say to what is in the home and then she sulks.
She wins as you give up and say nothing.
Time to think really about what you want and if you want to put up with this sort of behavior forever...........

donajimena · 09/11/2016 06:25

I was going to mention what would happen in the event of a divorce. But its been said and its sound advice. He's telling you he's going to sponge off you whilst you slog your guts out.
I don't think the advice would be different if it were about a woman. The decision for one party to give up work is usually well thought out and I don't know many women who didn't go back to work once their children were older.

Hurleygirl123 · 09/11/2016 07:24

Hi, Hope it's OK to join in...Womb,your husband should do training courses for other men..he sounds so genuinely engaged, not just grudgingly goings thru the motions as so many men do!
OP..its very hard to have respect or desire for a man who apparently has such little self respect..this will get worse, you both want different things ,listen to your instincts.

CocoaX · 09/11/2016 07:47

Well, the parents are either skivvies to him or very controlling, the flat and goods come at the price of autonomy

GnomeDePlume · 09/11/2016 09:48

Just to add another note of caution. That house you are living in may very easily disappear in care home fees for MiL.

My DH was FT SAHP to three DCs and what Womb described is very similar to how my DH operated. For him looking after the house was his job. I couldnt do what I do if he didnt do what he did.

Notagain16 · 09/11/2016 09:52

Good point re divorce. I was in a similar position (decent earner, ex didn't work.)When I consulted a solicitor I was advised to get rid of him asap. I didn't listen and left it a couple of years by which time he had completely rewritten history and was calling himself a sahd who had sacrificed his career for me to pursue mine which was far from the truth.

As it happens I didn't have to fight him over the dc as he was too lazy to bother seeing them.

papaverorientale · 09/11/2016 10:39

Your mother in law has made all the decisions about decorating your house? Confused

I have a friend who has spent 10 years of her married life living in what was technically her father in law's house. Guess what, she's getting divorced and is now entitled to nothing. She hasn't worked and is leaving the marriage pretty much penniless. Her ex doesn't work because he stopped bothering somewhere along the line. He became more interested in alcohol and other women.

You are in a very vulnerable position.

Original poster
Bigmomma28 · 09/11/2016 10:55

Hi everyone :)
I have decided to have an honest talk with DH about this situation. I love him (when I am not frustrated that is) and I hope he decides to change his plans and we work together to have a nice life. If this happens then we will have to do something about interference from parents even if it means us moving and renting another house until we are ready to buy ours.
Thank you so much everyone, sharing this burden has helped me a lot; I already feel better than I did yesterday afternoon! Also I am still open to more advice if anyone still has more to give.
Thanks very much :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigmomma28 · 09/11/2016 10:56

GnomeDePlume
Thanks for raising that issue...never thought about that!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/11/2016 11:37

if this was in reverse there would be different replies.

Not from me.

Is there a bit of an age gap between you and him?

Original poster
Bigmomma28 · 09/11/2016 11:52

@SandyY2K
Yes we have got a few years between us

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