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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Made a horrible mess of my marriage

21 replies

user1478576853 · 08/11/2016 04:11

Gah . . . so as the subject suggests I've made a big mess of everything and don't know how to deal with this situation.

Here's the story:

For the past 2/3 years I was really unhappy in my marriage. My husband was basically totally wrapped up in his work and hobbies and I felt completely lonely. I was stuck been the breadwinner, the homemaker and trying to carry the relationship. I had addressed these issues with him and got nowhere.

I'd been thinking about leaving since the start of the year. Then I met another man and grew close to him. Having feelings for somebody else made me realise I couldn't carry on. I also didn't want to cheat. Since I had been so fed up for so long, I decided to leave my husband a few months ago.

Since then, he moved out for a bit. I confessed my feelings to the other man and we started seeing each other. We decided to take things slow and keep it quiet until things had settled down with my separation.

Fast forward a couple of months and my husband is like a changed man and refusing to go down without a fight. He got me to go to counselling so he could understand what had gone wrong, moved back in and is acting like the perfect husband. He says he knows he can't say anything to change my mind but he can still try with actions which is why he's being so amazing all of a sudden.

We're still sleeping in separate rooms and nothing has happened between us since he moved back in but now I don't know what to do.

Part of me wants to reconcile with him as he's reminding me of the good old days. But another part of me is completely attached to the new man.

As it stands . . . I've cooled things off with the new guy but not ended it. And I'm still keeping my distance from my husband so I don't give him any false hope.

I feel consumed by guilt towards both of them and can barely stand it anymore.

Help? Advice? Suggestions?!

OP posts:

loveyogalovelife · 08/11/2016 04:46

Do you love your husband? Did you ever? It took me ages to find the right man and we are both so appreciative of what we have. Heartbreaking that some people throw it away but I say that without judgement - you have to do what's right in your heart.

HappyJanuary · 08/11/2016 06:07

No idea why your husband still wants you, but he's doing the pick me dance. I doubt he'll be able to keep it up forever so make your choice based on this fact. Just choose and stop being cruel to both of them.

WingsofNylon · 08/11/2016 06:59

Does your husband know about the other man? If not you are giving him false hope and lying to him. I appreciate it was a horrible marriage before OM made it on scene but you have made things worse.

We can't give you an answer but I suppose you have to figure out two things. 1) how real are your feelings for OM 2) how real is the change in your husband.

Agn61 · 08/11/2016 06:59

If you don't have kids move on. To be that unhappy when you don't have kids is not a good sign for if you ever do.

YvaineStormhold · 08/11/2016 07:02

Who said he could move back in?

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 08/11/2016 07:03

You need to either break off the marriage or break off the other man. Or actually, you could break off both and be single.

You're being dishonest to both men, which is not on

Only you know which, if any, relationship is for you.

HandyWoman · 08/11/2016 07:06

He 'got you to go to counselling' how on earth did he end up moving back in if you didn't necessarily want to reconcile? It sounds like you have a problem stating what you want and have 'gone along' with some fairly major things.

Really you should go to counselling on your own.

He's being the perfect husband now but for how long?? Do you believe the relationship with your h is fixed? I can't see how it is if you are 'completely attached' to the new man.

You would probably be better of on your own at the moment.

jeaux90 · 08/11/2016 07:32

Hey OP you must know that people don't change. They can adapt their behaviour sure but they are the same underneath. If you haven't loved him in 23 years (I assume that is you have been miserable) then it's time to own it and move on. Sounds like you are going through the motions of counselling so maybe you'll feel like the good guy but honestly guilt really is a pointless emotion and whatever happens with the new guy know this.....life being single is actually rather wonderful!! Big hug xxx

Happybunny19 · 08/11/2016 10:58

Why bother going to counselling when you're involved with another man? That's incredibly hurtful to your husband, who seems to be the only one in your relationship making an effort to stay together. Stop stringing him along, it's so cruel.

Agree with the others who suggest being on your own. At the moment you're being incredibly selfish to both men, but perhaps you just love all the attention. Have you stopped to consider how you would react if your husband was doing this to you?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 08/11/2016 11:03

As a PP said, how was he able to move back in? Why did you think that was a good idea if you hadn't decided you wanted to try again?
Get him to move back out or you move out. Go to counselling on your own and work out what you want.
It's very difficult for someone to maintain change and if your DH's motivation is that he 'isn't going down without a fight' then this is about winning and control, not about love.
(I don't know what to advise about the OM because tbh I don't understand why you would have complicated this mess by bringing him into it)

APlaceOnTheCouch · 08/11/2016 11:03

PitilessYank · 08/11/2016 12:30

This is a very tough situation, because you are comparing apples to oranges.

You have a new relationship, which is still in the heady, actively-in-love phase, and your long-term partnership, in which you have had several tough years.

Do you have any children? I think that might be an important factor.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/11/2016 13:01

How has he changed?
Does he now have a good job and earns more money?
Does he now do all the housework?
Has he cut down on his hobbies?

I know why he wanted you back.
You were his meal ticket and he wanted it back!

Happybunny19 · 08/11/2016 13:35

That's a lot of assumptions hellsbells. The op comes out of this completely blameless based on your summary

hellsbellsmelons · 08/11/2016 13:41

I'm not assuming anything.
I'm asking lots of questions.
I am certainly not saying OP is blameless either.
Just that I reckon I know why the DH wants her back!
Every other sentence there is a question. Not assumptions!

SandyY2K · 08/11/2016 18:45

Sometimes it takes leaving a marriage for the other person to realise what their loosing.

He probably regretted not listening to you earlier and instead of fluffy words, he wants you to see that he's changed. People can change.

I'd just make sure that all the things that bothered you are up to your satisfaction before comitting to reconciling.

Does the other guy know your husband has moved back in?

Does your husband know about him?

Would you consider coming clean to the other guy and telling him you want to try and give your marriage a shot, so you need to end things with him?

FookinHell · 08/11/2016 19:04

Op to get proper advise please to shed some light on the complete story:

Does dh know about om?
Why did you let dh back in?
Why have you agreed to counselling? What are you hoping to achieve from it?
Does om know dh has moved back in?
Do you have kids

Old habits die hard, dh may be acting great now but eventually novelty can wear off. Once he's got you back he may go back to his old ways. By then om will be out of the scene. Is om worth leaving your dh for? Is it a chance you're willing to take? Or is he your rebound? Perhaps being single for a while will help you re-evaluate who and what you want.

Original poster

user1478576853 · 08/11/2016 19:31

Thanks for all the replies. There's some good advice in there and some food for thought.

I'll answer some of the questions that have come up.

Did I ever really love my husband? - Yes, totally. It's killed me to watch our relationship deteriorate. I tried to fix things over the past 12 months and got nowhere. That's when I started to check out from the marriage and focus on my own friends, hobbies etc.

Why did I let him back? - It wasn't really a case of me 'letting' him back. When he moved out, he went to a hotel so it wasn't financially sustainable. It's still half of his house so it's not like I can stop him living here. We're still sleeping in separate bedrooms and essentially living separate lives. Neither of us have anywhere else to go as we live in Australia (from UK originally) and have no family here. Plus can't really afford to rent another place right now.

The other guy knows he's moved back in. I've been very honest with him about everything that's going on at home.

Why did I go to counseling? - At first I declined as I said that for me the relationship is beyond repair. He asked me to go anyway so he could make sense of why things had ended. We've been to 3 sessions. The councillor said we have different communication styles which is why there's been a breakdown. He's also encouraged my husband to address some of his behaviours.

How has he changed? - He's self employed (I have financially supported this for the past 4 years) and has made some positive steps to earn more money and cut costs. He's also started to do a lot around the house. The main thing is that he's started to listen to me a lot more - just asking about my day, listening to my opinions etc. He said he's learnt a lot about himself from the counseling and that he's determined to change whether that's with or without me.

Do we have kids? - No. I do want them though and time isn't on my side as I'm in my thirties.

OP posts:

SleepingTiger · 08/11/2016 19:43

You are getting lots of different objective viewpoints here OP - quality ones.

This is a good thread, hope it doesn't get derailed (with a poster encouraging infighting) because your situation happens frequently. We could all do with saving this information.

My contribution. You have two men, good men I guess, trying to attract you. It is not a divine coincidence, and I suspect that you have become more attractive for taking control and just being you, natural you. This is potentially the start of a new phase in your life, so keep your options open. Neither man may be with you forever, spend time on you, become happy and the world is your oyster.

Don't rush into anything. Relax, and make choices in your own good time.

loveyogalovelife · 09/11/2016 05:29

Your husband sounds like a good man xxx

FookinHell · 09/11/2016 06:54

Based on your most recent reply do give dh a chance. Forget the new om. The fact that om is with you knowing you have a dh (separated or not) is concerning, he may be the type that enjoys married women - he may cheat on you eventually. Basically don't leave dh for him. Take a good think about what you want? Do you want to make your marriage work? Do you love him? Since dh is giving a go then you give it a go too. But do bear in mind...old habits die hard.

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