Wise advice needed on problems with unsexy workaholic DP

[sibdoms]

Hello, I am an occasional long term poster who needs some witty and sagacious advice from the mumsnet coven.
I've been with dp for 12 years and we have two dds. He is kind, funny, interesting, un possessive and great with the kids. He is also a money obsessed workaholic with an unsociable job which takes him away on many evenings and weekends - leaving me alone with the kids - and renders him too tired for sex. The job has also meant we have moved four times in four years. I have always organised the moves and the attendant changes of school, life, etc. He is in a creative industry and is very successful in his field and I can't deny that I enjoy that aspect of our relationship. But I realise that the reason I enjoy it is that I meet interesting people. But they are HIS interesting people, not mine. I have struggled to keep my own career - in the same field - going and am just making some headway now that my youngest is at school. I am finding dp more and more difficult to be around when he is not working as he is always tired and stressed or just annoying. I no longer fancy him and I resent that the hours he works mean that I have little time to develop my own career. More though I resent that it's his work, not me, which gets the best of him. I am seriously disenchanted.

put some spice back into your relationship

go out for a meal
organise days out for all of you (that are not work related)

buy him some new trendier clothes and give him a bit of a makeover re haircut etc
good luck
xxx

ps have phone sex together
on his break times

and most important
set some time for yourselves alone

the rest will just come naturally

Hmmmm. I absolutely don't want to have phone sex with him. I don't fancy him at all at the moment and the idea seems totally ridiculous and just not "us." I have been with people with whom I would have phone sex, but not dh. I don't think that's a problem per se - just not our style as a couple. But I appreciate your quick response!

Get talking about how short life is, (maybe mention something sad to reel him in.) Ask him how he'd like to see himself and the family in the future, what would he like to do more of, then how he actually sees himself at the rate he is going. Share your versions. Brainstorm together a new future you can both look forward to, do some figures to prove to him how little money he needs. You both had the same dream once, you can find a new one.
...If you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true...
Do it over Valentines dinner.

He is working on valentine's night. That's fine, I'm not a soppy person and I don't need a meal or anything. I just don't like him very much at the moment, and am bored of being the one to instigate all these discussions.

Sorry. I'm sounding negative. I really appreciate your suggestions! I just don't feel very motivated to sort it out because I don't like him very much at the moment and I find him physically repellent. Frankly I wish he'd piss off. But then I remember what he was like, what he has been like in the past, and I think we are just hitting our first really rough patch in 12 years, which is ok.

That's men for you, they just retreat into the place they feel safest and marriage is awfully grown up and scary when it's not going like clockwork. You have to kick him up the arse and tell him it's his last chance.

But where to begin? I read posts on here that make me weep and also furious on behalf of the strong, fine and upright women who are coping with shts of husbands. Mine is not a sht at all. I know that objectively he is lovely - even though I don't FEEL it at the moment - and I don't know that I am strong and fine and upright. I am just beginning, sadly, to think that you can't be successful in his field and have a succesful relationship as well. And yet our relationship has always been bound up in our shared passion for our work. So without it........ we are nothing. .

He sounds fab to me, but I suppose it is always a question of the grass being greener...

you aren't nothing

my situation is v similar to yours except my work isn't tied up with dh (also in a creative field that demands - at times - long hours, short notice trips etc.). However, even though my work isn't the same, my career has definitely suffered at the hands of his just by the nature of the sacrficies we've made.

I see you still have a career (!) - resentment is a horrid emotion, isn't it. Just ruins absolutely all the nice, loving feelings.

Do you feel that he's putting his work before you (and the family)?

sacrifices - excuse spelling!

Yes dinosaur he is fab....... he is incredibly fab to the kids and to his work and to his colleagues but he is not fab to me because he is never there and when he is he is exhausted and dull and he never wants sex or helps at all in the house and I haven't asked him to work this hard. I have said many many times that I would rather be poorer but the industry doesn't really work like that - if you say no to things people think you soon drop off the radar, so I do understand the pressure he is under - I just don't ever see it changing and it's untenable for me to have a marriage like this for ever. I also feel that my career has really suffered as a result of his - the more he works, the less I can work. Of course we can't have it all, but I feel I am not getting anything except money that I don't even want to spend because I haven't earned it myself.

is his work likely to tail off as he gets older? (not implying anything but a lot of creative/media jobs tend to have unwritten age barriers?)

Is there not perhaps a quieter more reliable corner of the industry he (or you) could move into? So if one of you has a steady income etc the other one's fame (have I got that right?) isn't quite so important. How old is he? Do you fear for his health at all?

Foxinsocks, sorry, x posted. Yes our situations sound remarkably similar! Resentment is vile and corrosive isn't it and makes one into a caricature I think. I am struggling against it. I am trying to see things from his persepctive, which is that he works all the hours God sends to give us nice things. That's fine, but I never asked for that. It's also disingenuous on his part because his job gives him kudos, lots of fun people to work with, lots of beautiful women to look at, etce tc.

I don't really have a career yet, I am just struggling to build one up. It is in a very delicate place and I couldn't surive on my own yet without changing career. But I do not want to stay in a marriage for the sake of financial security, even for the children. Now off to get them from school. I have clearly been bottling a long time - hence splurge of ranting. Apologies.

I think it is important that you do some things to make yourself feel more fulfilled,These are just of the top of my head ie learn a language, new skill, horse riding, something different that you are your own person when you do them, not a marriage, not a partnership not a mother not a family but you.
BUT also you need to do something about the two of you, because I think the situation you are in could be quite dangerous, in that you might find other directions to go in to find that intimacy that is lacking from your relationship which might be detrimental to your family.
Sometimes I find sending an email or a carefully written lettter can be helpful in serious times, as I find it difficult sometimes to verbalise things in a discussion without getting het up and also find that DH tends to trivialise things and laugh them off if i try to discuss them.Then following written stuff, it is easier to discuss them.
You are in a tricky situation , as there seems to be no easier solution, but perhaps if your DH could be attentative to your relationship when he is around,that might be helpful. ATB

ahh yes - I can relate to the kudos, fun people (and with dh, it's exciting and challenging work too).

I think the problem is 2 fold - 1, there's the dissatisfaction with your own career/life (taking dh out of the equation) and 2, there's the resentment/lack of feelings towards dh.

There's obviously been a point in your relationship where it's been decided (whether consciously or not) that his career will be the one that takes precedence. In our case, this was forced upon us when one of us had to give up work (due to the temporary ill health of one of the children). Can you identify when/whether this happened?

I also agree with DR and think you have to lay it straight to him. I did this with dh and I think he was quite surprised by the strength of my feelings. I also think, one of the problems with creative people is that they are often 'head in the cloud' types and he's probably so work obsessed that he's not taken on board how unhappy you really are.

I also think there's something about the youngest going off to school and you suddenly taking stock of your own life that makes all these feelings come to the fore. You NEED to tell him what you've told us. You also may find that the grumpy when home from work is the sort of 'let out stress' that some creative people have to do when they've had a full on day. Dh now plays sport once a week (yes, I know, another evening out!) but it has lowered his stress levels noticeably.

Have you got any local friends - people you can see easily without having to organise reams of babysitters? Making your own new paths feels weird so late on in life (in age I mean) but it's a surefire way of making you feel better about yourself and making v important local support networks.

Thank you. What did you do, Fox in Socks, to stop the resentment? Did you manage to find a solution? I hope your child is not ill any more.

See I'm no longer sure which I want - him back or him to fk off.

I have a meeting with him on Thursday night - the first night he will have been in for nearly 2 weeks so he will be exhausted. So I feel guilty about bashing him with all this when he will just want to sleep really. But this is what always happens with us - I postpone stuff because it never seems to be the right time and there is so much other practical stuff to discuss, day to day stuff, and stuff about the kids.

I don't really know many people well in our area - we haven't been here long - and I don't really have any local friends - or at least not close ones that I feel I could call up and rant to. I have acquaintances - it's all a bit posh round here - with the distance that goes with it - and to be honest I feel that some people just want to be friends with us because of dh's job and the interesting stories he can tell.

I'm lucky in that I've made quite a few friends here - with dh not being around that much (although he is in a relatively new job which means we do see him a bit more during the week but less at the weekend), it has meant that I had to forge my own way a bit with the kids so have a group of friends here who like me for me. HAVING said that, I did notice (over Christmas and New Year) that at a lot of functions, even the ones with my friends, that most people were far more interested in talking to dh - he also has reams of interesting stories and is a very good dinner party guest in that sense because he's entertaining. I'm MUCH quieter than he is so did end up feeling, on more than one occasion, that I might as well just stay at home and send him out instead (iyswim).

In fact, I think I would say this is one of the downsides in me not being involved in the type of work he does (I'm an accountant/auditor) because I contribute to the discussions that come up with friends and dh but it's not my lifeforce (his work) - it's certainly not what drives me and there's an assumption by most people that I must be terribly interested in what he does, which I am to a certain extent, but not all the sodding time. Also, I'm one of the very few people married to someone who does his specific job who isn't involved in the same area.

In terms of stopping the resentment - I think what helped was us talking ALOT. Also, I'm afraid, just accepting the situation we're in (this took a long time). I'm aware too that (at the school my children go to) there are lots of people in similar situations (we have a lot of oil company families with one parent away for months on end). I think also acknowledging that actually I could have a life - because the fact of the matter is that we do need my salary (I only do very small pieces of work at the moment), so to some extent, we will have to find a workable solution.

I also think a KEY issue here is whether your dh has respect for what you do. How old is he btw?

Sibdoms,

Could you write to him?

Tell him basically what you have told us (maybe leave out the word resentment). Tell him that you love him, that you MISS him. You appreciate what he does to earn money for the family, but you want (or need) more of his time, more attention. Tell him he's a great father, but that you would like him to be more of a husband, get back what you had at the beginning of your relationship.

You may have to swallow a bit of pride and flatter his male ego a bit, but if he has this to read when he's away on a business trip, he may come back with a slightly different perspective.

It's what I would do. Oh, and I'd get a slick new outfit and hairstyle for when he walked thru the door too.

seems to me like you've sacrificed so much for so long and received very little in return. money is great, but it's not a good replacement for a partner. i think something has to change and either you accept that your dp isn't going to be around, be a good support or lover and you find fulfillment elsewhere. I'm not talking about an affair, but building up a network, getting out and doing things even if it means spending money on babysitters. it's hard if you have to keep moving, but perhaps you need to put the brakes on another move for a while.

the other option is that he sits up and takes note and makes changes. how likely is this? does he know how you feel and the strength of your feelings?

the last option is that you call it a day, but it sounds like you want to sort things out which is good.

Thank you - all. The sex thing has come about for a number of reasons - a mixture of chicken and egg. Sex has never been our strongest suit - he said to me he sublimates his libido into his work - Great! thanks! and since the children it has got much worse. I realise that my libido is way higher than his, but I find him increasingly unsexy - mainly because he is away so much so I get into my own rythmns, but also because of his lack of personal hygeine, the lack of help around the house, his lack of awareness - so when he does want it I rarely do.

I recently did a job which took me away from home and I realised how I had been letting myself go and that I could still be hot and get male attention and I momentarily considered having a one night stand with someone and nearly made an arse of myself.
I reined in, luckily, but it made me aware that I am sexually frustrated in a big way.....

OK. I am going to confront him at the end of the week when he returns from work. Not sure yet how to phrase it but will make his favourite food as a sweetener.I sense he may have absolutely no idea what I am talking about..........