Hello Mumsnet,
I’m not a mum, but I’m having a relationship problem and I thought this might be a good place to get some other people’s (women’s) opinions, and possibly some advice. I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends.
Sorry this is long- but I think the background info is relevant because maybe I'm being far more sensitive than I should be.
Here it goes- please be gentle.
My partner and I have been together for a few years, and living together for a year. We’ve talked about our future together, marriage, how many kids, even had light hearted discussions about baby names, etc. We're at the age where we don't have a huge amount of time to have children if we want them, so we want to start trying in a year.
So, he’s out, I’m at home. He has an album on his computer and he’s going to be away with work for a few days (with his laptop) so in case I want to listen to it while he’s away I decide to transfer the files onto my computer. The files are too big to email and too big for my memory stick, so, without asking (I know I shouldn’t have done this), I get his portable hard drive out of the drawer and plug it in.
The hard drive is too full to copy the album. I know he’s got TV shows and films on it because we’ve watched stuff from it before so I click on the videos folder thinking I’ll put some of the files on his computer to create space for the album, and then put all the films back when I’m done transferring the album.
So, I click on the folder to shift some of the files but I’ve got the wrong folder (I notice there’s another folder called TV shows, I’ve clicked on my videos)- it contains nude photos and video files of at least three ex-girlfriends (I didn’t watch them but the thumbnail images are clear enough to make it obvious what they are).
I knew that my partner had made sex tapes with other partners, this doesn’t bother me (I know he’s had other sexual partners, whether or not a video camera was also present doesn’t really change much), but I, perhaps naively, assumed that he didn’t still have them.
It has made me feel very insecure about how I compare to his exes- why is he keeping them? (And also a little bit weirdly, why doesn’t he want to do this sort of things with me?) Insecurity is something that I deal with every so often (also one of his exes- one who appears in some of the stuff on the hard drive, has recently reconnected with him on Facebook. My boyfriend has quite a strict policy of not being friends with people on Facebook unless they would hang out in real life, so I was a little put out when he accepted her friend request but I didn’t say anything because it seemed petty and jealous.)
I feel I should add in here that my partner is a lot more experienced than I am- he has had more relationships and sexual partners than me. We haven’t ever explicitly discussed this, but I was with my boyfriend from school until I was in my mid-twenties- I had vaginismus and although we had what I would describe as a fairly active sex life, this didn’t include vaginal sex (hands and oral instead).
I was terrified that other people wouldn’t be as understanding as my ex was about the lack of sex so I didn’t really date after our break up for several years. I then had a short relationship with someone who turned out to be fairly horrible- dumping me by text with the sign off that I’m frigid. Although I am now able to have vaginal sex with my partner, and we have (I thought) a good sex life, I do feel like I’ve not really got much to compare this to. I know he’s been more adventurous with other people, and although I’ve said I’m open to trying stuff, he’s always said he’s fine with how things are.
Aside from feeling insecure about how attractive my partner finds me and how much he enjoys our relationship it has also make me feel a little bit weird about him- in my mind it’s a bit ‘off’ to keep explicit material after a break up, let alone when you’re with someone else. But maybe this isn’t the common etiquette?
So, do I tell him I found them? Am I overreacting, either about feeling upset or creeped out?
Short version-
my boyfriend (who I live with and have discussed marriage and kids with) still has sex tapes he made with several ex-girlfriends. I feel both hurt that he still has them since he has said that he sees his future with me, and that it’s kind of creepy to keep tapes after a break up- I thought consent for you to have the tape is within the context of the relationship. He doesn’t know I know. What should I do?