I will try and be brief with the background info first - my parents split when I was 2 and my mum remarried, her husband adopted me and I didn't see my 'real' dad until I was 15, or even know he existed until I was 12. I didn't meet his parents until I was almost 18 as they decided when my parents split that they wanted to sever contact as that, in their view (both teachers) was apparently far more sensible than remaining in touch. Its a long story, but I am now not in touch with my 'real' dad either.
When I did get to know them both, my 'grandfather' T was great but I found my 'grandmother' E hard work, as do both her son's. T died 15 years ago and E is now on her own.
E can come across very sweet old lady but is actually incredibly judging and controlling. Nothing is good enough, she ALWAYS know's better or more, and she tries to control things by offering money (e.g. she offered to give me an allowance of £200 a month at uni but then wanted a say in what course I did or she would withdraw, likewise if I didn't get the grades she thought i should be getting - I declined this offer!) She makes massive assumptions about me which are always negative and also either complete rubbish or wildly exaggerated (I am bad with money apparently or she has never met anyone as messy as me - both are untrue and not based on anything) and she sits and makes comments like this a lot.
She doesn't have an easy relationship with either of her kids either due to her nature, and she doesn't socialise much as she decided she didn't want to do the things that people invited her to (plays at the theatre she decided were 'rubbish', parties are 'dull') and the invitations gradually dried up. Since she came to my flat when I lived in London and I caught her looking in drawers at bank statements I have been reluctant to invite her over to our house since. The times before she had come everything seemed to be 'wrong' or sneered at anyway, as, of course, she knows best. So now we meet once or twice a year and have a stilted and awkward lunch somewhere neutral where I don't really want to share anything as it will be criticised or used negatively at a future date!
Now E has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has been given a prognosis of a few months. I have sent flowers and regular cards (I live 2 hours away so it's not simple) but not yet seen her since her diagnosis in August. I feel awkward turning up anyway (the chances of me being accused of being after money are high) but I also feel very sorry for her as she is on her own pretty much. But, I cannot suddenly undo history and, and I realise this sounds awful, it doesn't make me suddenly love her and drop everything to be at her side. By contrast, if it was my maternal grandma the difference couldn't be more stark!
Is this awful? I don't feel as if she is my 'family' anyway, I feel as if your family are the people you grow up with and can depend on, regardless. E is not someone I warm to, and I suspect she doesn't with me either but Im almost all she's got (my dad lives abroad and his brother doesn't get on with her as she judges and disapproves of his girlfriend as she is Black and is still cold to her after 26 years.) I think her situation is very sad, and we will visit at some point, but it won't be regular and I don't think I will miss her.