Dd and her hair.... I need help

[dddrivingmemad]

My dd 19 takes part in a sport that requires her hair be tied up in a bun. She's newish to this sport but is doing really well at it and is competing this winter. As well as physical skill, appearance is taken into account, so it matters that the bun is neat. To help her out in the beginning I did the bun but now I want to encourage her to do it herself. Cue a tantrum worthy of a toddler. I've just finished a session of trying to get her to do it for herself, keeping my voice low and calm & encouraging her. She's having none of it, is being bolshy & ranty, throwing her toys out of the pram. She said it was impossible to do it for herself, so I had a go on myself to try it (whilst she watched) and it was ok. She's still having none of it - it can't be done, end of! I'm a single parent and I'm guessing this is about more than hair-tying but I'm not sure what? What can I do to encourage a more positive attitude in her and get her to give it a proper try?

19? Tell her watch a few YouTube videos. My dd (12) can do some lovely hair styles just from watching YouTube.

Well she could do it, but she is insisting she can't for another reason. Sounds like you have figured out that reason, and given what it is, the correct response is to give her this bit of time and babying when she needs it. The more love you give, the less anxious she will feel. She is craving reassurance by the sound of it.

At 19 I'm surprised that you'll be there every time she competes. What if you have sometime else on? I used to do a lot of sport at that age and if I was competing near home (was at uni at that age) my mum would come sometimes but not every time as she had her own life too.

If I'd got that reaction from my 19 yr old it'd be the last time I helped and if she asked again I'd remind her of her outburst and say that I wasn't going through that again, she's on her own.

It's not about the bun. If she wants to spend time with you, retain a bit of childish relationship and have her mum take care of her, that's fine. If she wants to tantrum, upset you and distress her DSis, that's not acceptable.

Your ex may have taught her how to talk to you, you have to teach her your boundaries, and her own.

Since she's behaving like a much younger child, treat the behaviour as you would. Walk away, say, "I will talk to you about this when you calm down" and ignore.

I was thinking the responses on this thread are a bit harsh. But then I remembered the mistakes I made when I divorced my kids' narc father: I was softer with them.

Oh how I wish I hadn't been quite as soft. THAT came back and bit me on the bum

Not that I didn't hold boundaries as a matter of course... but I suppose I felt sorry for them and softened.

Aaaanyway. Keep the calm and gentle going but hold that boundary like clenching your buttocks. Don't rise to her bait but keep calmly repeating you are willing to help her to learn how to do it herself . But that you won't be doing it in future.

Good luck! you'll need it

Tell her that it's not good for your relationship to be fighting over her hair and send her some YouTube links to practise. Of course she can learn and falling out over it is destructive so stop.

I'm a bit frightened of the blow-up that might occur if I don't do it.

It's not ok you feel intimidated by her or that you have to tip toe round her. You probably thought the abuse would stop once your ex left. Unfortunately abusers leave their mark and it's not unusual for a child or young person to step into their shoes. He is attempting to alienate her from you and if she becomes his ally it will get a lot worse.

This is part of divorcing an abuser that people don't talk about. Women's Aid are familiar with this. I suggest you ask them for a referral to a local centre where you can get some support with this.

my parents split when i was 19 and it was still really hard on me, despite being an adult. i felt abandoned by them both, like my whole childhood had been a lie and that i could no longer trust anyone or anything, as the one thing i was so sure of had disappeared before me. but you're not all we'd to be upset, because you're a grown up, and heaven forbid your emotions run away from you and u lose your shit completely at something stupid...

i expect this is not about her hair, she's well aware she can do a bun, it's her enjoying you doing something for her that makes her feel young and protected again. as adults with divorcing parents you are kind of expected to take it in your stride, but actually it's just as confusing and difficult as if she was younger, but if she was younger she would be given some allowances for regressing. her tantrum is probably less about her hair, and more about her inability to express how vulnerable, young and unstable she feels at the moment.

she might just be being a brat, but if she's independent in may other aspects of her life i'd indulge this personally. both my parents put a lot of pressure on me to not be bothered by the situation, mad no allowances for my feelings in the whole thing and it took a long time for that to heal.

Here you go, buy her a donut ring - they're about £5 for a large one - you can get them in boots, superdrug, tesco etc - below instructions on how to use it.

www.ebay.co.uk/gds/How-to-Use-a-Doughnut-Ring-to-Make-a-Hair-Bun-/10000000177771174/g.html

You've been given lots of advice... conflicting advice! As others have said, this probably isn't anything to do with actually being incapable of sorting her own hair out. Though maybe less perfectly than you can, but fgs, there are adults who go to a hairdresser for an updo when they want to look their absolute best, so its not that unreasonable if its just for competitions.

It seems like its more about craving that nurturing touch. A bit like the way animals bond through mutual grooming.

I brush my 17yos unruly hair and get it into a pony most mornings (she does the bun herself). She certainly can do it perfectly competently (and will do so tomorrow morning prior to a uni interview at the far end of the country) but I can do it quicker and its a pleasant few minutes at the start of the day - a little ritual. I'll probably miss doing it next year - maybe she'll still let me groom her in the vacs.