Ex interrogating kids and me

[Rumblingtummy]

I posted a while ago about my controlling and abusive ex husband still trying to control and manipulate via the kids. I had some really helpful replies which helped me re assess how I feel and respond to the situation, so thank you for that.
However, a new issue has arisen and a different perspective would be hugely appreciated.
For the last year I've been saving for laser eye surgery and I saved enough to get it done last week. My ex asks the kids lots of questions when he sees them about what I spend money on and what I do, the kids don't like it. I said to the kids not to mention about the eye surgery as ex will ask them questions about how I afforded it. Kids said that daddy gets jealous of stuff I do. I have zero contact with him as he is very manipulative and either makes me feel bad or guilty or he annihilates me personally.
The kids have asked me to wear fake glasses when he collects or drops them off and one day a week he sees one of them for one to one time after school, so I can't hide behind the front door like I usually do, I'm in the middle of the playground. They want me to wear fake glasses so he doesn't suspect I have had surgery as they don't want all the questioning.
I shouldn't have to do this but I want to protect them so I have ordered fake glasses.
Secondly, out of desperation to attend a hospital appointment I have had to ask him to collect kids after school one day next week. I only asked as no one else is able to help on this occasion, he asks the kids lots of questions if he finds out that my friend has collected the kids for me. I only ask for help for GP appointments, interviews etc... Not having a jolly in the pub.
So, I asked for help collecting the kids, but I know he will interrogate the kids as to why so when he text asking why, I told him that I have a hospital appointment ( two of them ) but he started questioning me about what was wrong, how can that still be hurting two years after the first operation and then he questioned why I needed two appointments. I felt interrogated.
I'd hoped that if he knew a basic outline of why I needed help he wouldn't question the kids but I felt like I had done something wrong and I was a liar. I had an op two years ago and now I have pain and I need it to be checked, it's that simple. I'm not doing anything wrong but I feel like I've been sneaky and I feel guilty. My only option was to cancel the appointments but I need my health checking.
He was very controlling in the marriage, he thought I was cheating all the time ( I never ever cheated, ever or even looked to cheat) and I wasn't allowed to do things like go to the shops or spend too long walking the kids home after school. I hate this awful man is still controlling me, or trying to. I'm starting a college course in a few weeks and the kids will get interrogated about that too, I've asked them not to tell him about it but I don't like asking them to keep secrets. I could not tell them of my goals, aims and achievements but I want them to learn to set goals and achieve things of their own, to save money for the things they really want and to be proud when they reach their goals, I want to set a good example to them.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? Thank you for reading.

I'm not seeing idolisation of their dad by DC here, rumbling - I'm seeing desperate attempts at appeasement of someone whose wrath they have learned to fear. It makes chilling reading, and I hope your growing strength in deflecting his control will give them strength to do the same.

Don't ask her to lie. Be really clear that she should not lie.

When my DM tried to quiz me on what my DF had been up to, I said things like "I don't feel comfortable talking to you about him." "I'm here to spend time with you, let's not talk about dad." "I don't like it when you ask me about him. Let's talk about " "please don't involve me in your problems with dad, I don't want to talk about him with you."

Give her the words to use. Even try role play using those words with her.

Hissy & Walk - you are spot on. My children appease to keep the peace & themselves safe. It's shocking that the courts refuse to see this and continue to order contact. My heart breaks for them every time.

Not a parent yet but I've read all your posts OP and a few others. You're basically describing my childhood. My dad was controlling and threatening and violent to my mum but we idolised him. When they split it got so much worse but my mum still thought we idolised him. We behaved awfully for her spouting the lines he gave us and fighting back. And I have to say other posters have hit the nail on the head. It was appeasement and fear that made us spout those lines and insist on seeing him. But in time we grew up and started to see what he really was. One by one. I was about 10 when I stopped going to see him, my younger brother was about 9 and the youngest saw him on and off. It was our decision, my mum tried to make us go and see him - she was worried that we'd suddenly changed. My dad took my mum to court and after years of the courts trying to force contact we each had singular interviews with cafcass and then group interviews if we wanted. E.g, kids with mum, kids with dad, all kids together. And me and my mum were sure the social worker hadn't seen through his bullshif. But the report is spot on and after that contact was controlled and by our say so.

I know it's not much help but your kids are still growing up, give them time. I'm not saying they will grow to hate Him but they will grow and make their own decisions on what behaviour they accept. You are obviously a fantastic mum and doing really great things for yourself. And your influence will only help them grow to be strong and wise. Don't doubt yourself and don't let him control you - he can't anymore!

Follow the advice of the much more experienced posters before me. I just wanted to say hang in there, from a kid who grew up in a similar situation I know the rock you are for your kids. Never doubt it

Would it be an option not telling your kids some of these things, so they don't know and can't be grilled?

You could simplylet the kids know you have a check up or a routine appointment and leave it at that.

Incidentally I looked into laser eye surgery and was told it isn't permanent like I thought, so I didn't bother. I thought it was a lifetime fix to my shortsight.

Would he not just think you have contact lenses? His life must be very dull if he has to concern himself with what you're up to.

It's like he's looking for something to use against you. Your poor kids having to be in such a situation.

Hi op

They said he can't save up cos his car keeps breaking down. ( he is a very negative person) I said it'd be good for daddy to have a new job as then he will feel better about himself and have more money to spend and not concentrate on what I'm doing so much.

I'm really sorry your having such an awful time, but your feeding the beast so to speak.

You should t be saying anything like the above to the kids, in fact don't tell the kids anything you have to do outside of their school work and every day lives

Your asking them to lie too their dad all the time, even if by omission, don't tell daddy just say i don't know, he's an accomplished narc he will trick the info out of them anyway

I'm not trying to be harsh with you, your having a really shit time I know, but your over involving the kids in your personal stuff ands by association him as well.

It's horrible to have to say this, but you need to button down the hatches and everything is on a need to know basis, and stop putting the kids in the middle of this shit storm, I know you dont do it deliberately
But unfortunately I think you are because your trying to keep the peace.

Have been in very similar situation with 9 yo DD. I told her to say, "Mummy says to ask her about that". We role played it lots of times over & over in front of the bathroom mirror with me asking her crazier & crazier questions - it made her laugh and put the response in her 'muscle memory' for when she needed it.
It also showed her that I knew what her dad was like, that I was the grown up and that I would take charge of it for her and that she could just pass it straight back to me.
(And he never did have the bllcks to ask me directly)

Tbh I would stop trying to hide things that are none of his bloody business. If he sees you aren't wearing glasses and asks the kids they should say you had laser eye surgery. If he sees you have a new car and asks them they should say yes mummy has a new car. If he then asks how did she afford that then they can say I don't know because they won't. I think tiptoeing around keeping secrets gives him more power than he deserves. It is none of his fucking business and you should recognise it for what it is jealousy. If he asks you about your medical appointment tell him it's a private matter. If he asks again, ignore or repeat as nausea its a private matter or I prefer not to discuss my medical appointments with you. If he then refuses to watch the kids, say that's fine and rearrange it. He should be irrelevant to you and his opinions mean zip. Show this to him in the way you deal with him. Stop making the kids complicit in this game and they can then relax about it.

Your children don't idolise this man. They are scared of him. Your daughter has told you so much with her comments about the eye surgery.

You need to stop giving him ammunition, and I know that's no easy as it probably means not giving your children as much information as you normally would.

He's going to quiz the children. That's what he does. You need to be the one that protects them from that by not giving them excess information that they've then got to try and hide from him.

How much information do the children have about the eye surgery? If they don't know the cost then they can't tell them. So you tell the children that if he asks about you not wearing glasses that you had your eyes fixed at the hospital.

With your college course it needs to be as basic as "Mummy is at college because she wants a better/different job".

That probably means you'll need to give your children less information. I found that hard with my twins as I'm quite an open person, but their father is a dick so they needed to be able to say, genuinely, after the first question "I don't know".

Re asking him for help - do it all in writing. Give him less information. "I have an appointment on X time. Would you like to collect the children or should I arrange for my friend/family memeber to do it?" He doesn't need the information so he doesn't get the information and if the children don't know it then he can't pump them for information either.

Good luck.