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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling tonight

16 replies

TheTapir · 05/11/2016 21:35

Long story, in April my husband announced out of the blue that he didn't want us to be together anymore, moved out in June saying that he was suffering with depression and anxiety, wanted to get his head straight but thought that we could still work things out. He's been stringing me along since then. Monday was the 20th anniversary of when we met and he suggested that we went out for dinner. We had a nice evening and when I dropped him off he kissed me. I went to bed that night feeling vaguely hopeful.

On Wednesday I received a letter telling me that he's actually been having an affair with one woman for the past 8 years, with a second for 3 years and a 3rd since earlier this year, at one point having 4 of us on the go. I honestly and truly had no idea. I confronted him and he is denying none of it and hasn't been in touch since.

I'm mostly doing ok but am really struggling tonight and every night tbh. I am hardly sleeping and whilst I can usually keep it in during the day I can't stop properly sobbing and wailing when I go to bed.

I know everyone says that it will get better but I am in such pain that I can't imagine it ever going away.

Not sure why I am posting really, just trying to distract myself I guess.

If anyone wants to tell me it'll all be ok in the end, or could fast forward my life about 12 months that would be lovely.

OP posts:

coocoocachew · 05/11/2016 21:38

It will get better - this is just a blip in a lifetime of happiness that you deserve

hareOrRabbit · 05/11/2016 21:39

it will be ok. and you are well out of it. focus on that.

who was the letter from? him? one of the women? or anonymous?

Original poster

TheTapir · 05/11/2016 21:46

It was from the 8 year woman. Apparently she was ok with sharing him with me but not when she found out about the others.
Thank you for replying. It makes me concentrate on typing/reading rather than crying

OP posts:

Original poster

TheTapir · 05/11/2016 21:48

I am trying to be angry not upset but I can't do it tonight

OP posts:

Teepish · 05/11/2016 21:55

Sob as much as you need to. This pain will ease and you will get stronger

Mishaps · 05/11/2016 21:55

It is a shock and it hurts - but, put in a more positive way, it is an opportunity for you to get on with the life that you deserve. You really do not need this person in your life. This is the beginning of the rest of your life. It is NOT a reflection on your personal worth but proof that he is a prize pillock. You picked a wrong'un by mistake; now you have the chance to move on. We all learn from life's experiences, and, while we cannot on the whole control bad things happening, we can choose how we respond.

You have a new life ahead. Grab it and enjoy it!

Allalonenow · 05/11/2016 22:08

No advice really, except look after yourself, try to eat even if only snacks, and don't get dehydrated.
It does hurt dreadfully, but the pain does get less eventually, and the tears will stop.

You will find that in a day you will feel a whole range of emotions, it's not a sraight path from loss to anger, it's much more chaotic than that.

I don't know why they do the stringing along thing, but that happened to me too, and it somehow made it all worse and even harder to recover from, so I feel so sorry for you.

Hope you get some sleep tonight, though the fireworks won't help.

hareOrRabbit · 05/11/2016 22:11

t was from the 8 year woman. Apparently she was ok with sharing him with me but not when she found out about the others.

well she sounds delightful !!

what was her stated purpose in writing to you? presumably she knew you were separated? was it supposed to be 'helpful' to you? or malicious to stop you getting back with him?

either way if he's not denying it she's done you a big favour.

Helpisathand13 · 05/11/2016 22:14

I'm sorry you are having such a dreadful time. If you just want a chat and distraction PM me x

hareOrRabbit · 05/11/2016 22:15

the next few days will be hell.

the next few weeks really shit.

the next few months a bit crappy.

then one day you'll suddenly notice you haven't thought about him for hours.

then days

then he'll be gone from you and you'll be much happier.

time does heal but the sad thing is you don't have a fast forward button. need to wait.

Original poster

TheTapir · 05/11/2016 22:17

I am so sad that I have 20 years of my life that I can't think about because it's too awful. I could really do with a hug but the one person that I'd like one from is a total twat that I also never want to see again

thanks for the replies and flowers and no, the fireworks are not helping tonight.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheTapir · 05/11/2016 22:23

She said she was writing out of concern for me so I didn't waste anymore of my time with him but really she just wanted to get back at him I think.

In my better moments I know that it's a good thing that I found out because now I know it's all over between us and I can move on but at bedtime and the early hours I can't face it all.

OP posts:

hareOrRabbit · 05/11/2016 22:30

everything always seems worse at night. if you know you won't sleep try to find something to distract you that has no connection with love or romance. a fright night type horror film is a good bet for that!!!

if you are freaking out about the creaks upstairs in case the serial killer is living in the attic you won't be crying!!

Original poster

TheTapir · 05/11/2016 22:34

Actually I did record some scary films last weekend. That's a good idea thank you.

OP posts:

rememberthetime · 05/11/2016 22:34

Oh no - another one of us struggling. Your ex has done you a favour by ending the relationship, but that doesn't help does it.

My counsellor told me to cry - cry like I never have before. To literally let every emotion out and not to fear any of it. Because the more you do this the better it starts to feel.

But also - avoid him. His presence in your life has to end. He is not good for you and seems to want you as another one of his harem. Don't let him. The going out, the kissing - it was never genuine.

it really will get better. I am waiting for that moment too. But I beleive it will come.

keepingonrunning · 05/11/2016 22:50

I'm so sorry OP. It's very early days. The last few you have probably been in shock rather than coping OK. It sounds like the enormity of the deceit has hit home today. Sob all you want, it's part of the process. Wrap yourself in your softest, cosiest blanket and maybe put on a film to distract yourself.
There's no doubt it's one of life's more hideous experiences but you will get through it. Reckon on the next 12 months being really hard work, then this black cloud over your life should start to lift little by little. Concentrate on looking after yourself really well and focusing on you. Consider discussing counselling and/or pharmacological help with your GP. None of this is your fault, you were targeted by a con man. It's alarming to think the person you thought you knew so well could be such a fraud. It can happen to anyone.

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