Husband abusive?

[bananamuncher]

Having a really hard time figuring out if my husband has been abusing me for years. It might sound strange but I don't feel like I even know who I am anymore. He constantly criticises me for stupid, irrelevant things, he controls the money, makes pretty much all the financial decisions even though he is crap with money, constantly tells me he can't afford things, even though he can afford to go out drinking or buy himself new clothes. Sexually he pretty much emotionally blackmails me into it, tells me that he "needs to feel close to me", that he feels unloved if I don't do it. He doesn't even seem to care that I am totally not into it. If we don't have sex for a few weeks he starts to get really arsey and sighs all the time, tells me I shouldn't "show" myself to him (as in get changed in the same room). He threatened to leave me because he "doesn't want to be in a sexless marriage" (after two weeks without sex, and I've been suffering severe depression which I am having counselling for, which he does not consider may be a factor at all). To be honest I've been thinking of leaving myself but it's not easy, I have no money and a small baby. Basically since I've been having counselling I've realised how shit and unhealthy our marriage is, but I keep questioning myself. He's always using really dramatic language, and trying to scare me into doing what he wants, he also stops me from doing things because "he'd be worried". I totally feel trapped, downtrodden, and alone. Is this abuse?

*man you are.

Sorry banana I wasn't intending for that to come across like that. I was picking up on your point about having no money. I was in now way attacking your intellect or your ability to support your child and be a good mother.

Just trying to offer a balanced view. I think it's important.

I am not suggesting you should put up with anything at all (certainly not abuse) just stressing that it's easier to walk than work through problems and I do question the use of the word abuse.

Threatening to leave for no sex, agreed that is v wrong. But the fact he wants sex is normal

Btw I'm not a man from 1940 so pls don't take the view I am some old fella with no idea. I am married with 2 kids and we have had to work v hard at our marriage

Banana, I'm sorry that you had to read Handyman's post. I've reported it.

The situation that you describe most definitely is abusive, and in the nicest possible way, you shouldn't be trying to work things out with your abuser.

I'm glad you found the strength to contact woman's aid.

Have you got real life support??

Reported for what exactly? Is this not an open debate where opinions are offered Lipple?

I have really tried to work things through. Nothing ever changes, and I have come to realise that we just can't communicate. Things have got considerably worse in the last few years, and having a baby has given me insight into the unhealthy aspects I couldn't see before.

I don't really have support, my family is a long way away.

Handyman you're talking absolute bollocks. Read the website of any domestic violence organisation you like and you will see everything the op has listed her.

Controlling the op's access to money is abuse
Coercing her into sex is abuse
Stopping her having hobbies is abuse

You disagree with the above?

would be very interested to know how many of you suggesting she should leave are sat at home alone with nobody in your lives?

Nope. Happily married thanks.

And the sex thing- totally agree that it is normal to want it, but to be manipulated into it just causes more barriers. I don't feel cared about, supported, understood. I feel pressured, like I have to do it or he will be really shitty to me. Then when I do I don't enjoy it. I just want it to be over so I can get some peace from the drama.

And I don't think you're some old fella with no idea, I just think you're some fella with no idea.

Either you're reading this feeling defensive because you've done some things the op has listed or you're a goady fucker.

Op please don't listen to handyman. Listen to the majority. You cannot talk things over with an abuser. They cannot be fixed.

Ok point taken I am probably not qualified enough in this subject I just wanted to offer a balanced view.

sorry banana and good luck

Handyman, even if we are at home alone is it not better to be alone and happy than suffer abuse at the hands of someone someone who is supposed to love you? Hqving someone is not always better than having no one.

Handyman your understanding of sexual consent is at odds with the criminal law - unless free consent is given (think enthusiastic consent) then rape has occurred. The OP is being "blackmailed" into sex - that is not free sexual consent. Blackmailing someone into sex is therefore a criminal offence.

My heart really goes out to you Banana and I hope you get some support from WA, Rape Crisis, and/or your family.

He won't talk anyway. He thinks that the problem is me, that if I'd just shut up and put up with the way he is then we'd be fine. And he's right, he would be fine, but I'd be sacrificing myself for his happiness and that surely isn't OK. It's my life after all, I don't want to live it for someone else.

I believe that everyone is entitled to an option handyman but my opinion is that you're encouraging the OP to do something dangerous, be a passive victim of violence and rape and you feel that her 'relationship' may be saved if she simply worked at it. I don't think that's a balanced opinion at all, and I think if Banana did as you suggest she is putting herself and her young baby at significant risk of harm.

lippy I think it's a bit harsh to report someone just because they have a different viewpoint to you.

From the origional post it sounds like OP is unhappy in her relationship and considering leaving. She has asked for opinions on if she is being abused, I would not say this was clear from the information she gives. She also tells us she is suffering from depression. Something which I have experienced myself. It may be that the relationship is contributing to the depression or it may be that the depression is contributing to the relationship problems. I'm in no way blaming OP by saying this just saying that depresdion could be a contributing factor. My DH has also suffered with depression and its not easy living with someone with depression either. At times everything I say is taken as a critisism, I am told that I am controlling, as he is unable to make decisions and he is not interested in sex, which can leave me feeling insecure. OP has also recently had a baby which will have completely changed the dynamics of the relationship for both of them.

Maybe right now is not the best time to make a life changing decision like this.

OP you have 2 choices, leave and start afresh or stay and see if the 2 of you can regain the joy you once had in your relationship. You are the only one who can make that choice. It sounds like you have already decided to leavefrom your post. Neither choice is right or wrong, you just need to do what is right for you and your child.

I just tried to talk to him about the sex thing. He immediately asked how I'd feel if he went off screwing someone else, apparently that's what alot of men would do. It's not healthy. It really is like we speak different languages. There's no compassion, no empathy, no understanding. I always try to see his perspective but he is incapable of seeing mine.

Have a hug from me.
So his response to you discussing the sex issue wasn't to listen to you, but to make you feel grateful that he isn't out having sex with other people and to try and hurt you further/ make you feel more insecure?

Yep he's a helmet. And he is the issue, not you.

I hope you're ok xxx

Op that response is a typical abuser's response.

I'm in despair at posters saying we haven't been given enough info to decide whether or not her H is abusive.

No one walks away from a marriage because it is the easier thing to do. Every one of us who have done it had very good reasons and were at our lowest ebb before we made that choice. Then we discovered that leaving was hard - very hard indeed.

Leaving is not easy and staying is actually the easier option in many cases.

Not one of us who have done it have not tried everything before we finally gave up.

When you get to the point of wondering if you should leave, it is probably already too late and you have put in all the effort to try and make things right again.

Leaving is hard - but it sometimes the right thing to do.

He wants sex - normal

No this isn't normal in the circumstances the OP describes, two weeks, severely depressed. Also, very unhealthy and absolutely disgusting IMHO to coerce someone into having sex with you and actually have sex with them even when they clearly are not enjoying it and do not want to. Absolutely abusive without all the other things going on. Your latest update OP again, disgusting behaviour from him, basically threatening to have an affair if you don't give it to him whenever he wants. Ridiculous.

He criticises - normal

Not to the extent that the OP is describing her DP as doing.

He makes financial decisions - normal for one partner to take the lead.

Difference between leading and controlling and what is normal for you handy is not normal for everyone.

And, the biggest gripe I have is that you need to be an expert to know whether or not someone is abusive. OP, you know how you feel. You do not need your DP or us on mumsnet to validate it. I know how hard depression is and how it can really make you question yourself and what/how you are thinking. But trust yourself OP. You've talked to him and he hasn't listened. Where do you go from here?

Thanks to everyone who replied, and to those that asked, no, I'm not really ok. I think I have a way out, and I think I know I have to do it, but it's scary and exhausting and frankly I'm terrified. He acts like everything is fine.