My Mum is making demands over my daughters wedding.

[unababy]

My daughter is getting married next year and my Mum wanted to help her a bit financially. I thought that she would give a few hundred pounds but it was actually a few thousand - very generous. I had my reservations but couldn' t think of any valid reason why my daughter shouldn't accept the money so she did and booked her wedding. My Mum has now started making demands: she wants my brother's daughter to be bridesmaid (ignoring the fact that my sister has 2 girls); vet the guest list and venue; wants remote relatives on her side invited and doesn't think that my step son and daughter should be invited (even though the 3 of them were brought up together and they are still close). She has said all this too me and not my daughter and I have not said anything either. I have guided my daughter in the direction of my niece as a bridesmaid, said that I will take my Mum to the venue, but reminded her that it is all booked so can't be changed, and put my foot down as far as my stepchildren are concerned - they are coming. This leaves the relatives ; there may or may not be space we don't know yet, but my Mum insists and last week she finally said what I know she has been thinking - that they should come because she is paying. I am upset, my husband is furious and insists that we pay her back the money, even though we can't afford it - we have already made our contribution. I am not saying anything to my daughter as I don't want her day spoiled - and I told my Mum that. What should I do: tell my daughter to invite these relatives? Leave my daughter alone to invite who she wants and I any soak up my Mum's displeasure? Either way should I pay my Mum back so we are not beholden to her? I could certainly benefit from some collective wisdom. Thank you in advance.

I wouldn't give her back the money. Let your DD enjoy the wedding she wants and you put up with your mother's displeasure. My DM was a PITA and no amounting of nicely explaining things ever changed her. Look to the future with your DD and maybe grandchildren. If your DM continues to be controlling, ease yourself gently away from her influence.

Thank you all for your messages; they have helped me to regain some perspective. I am sure my Mum would still have made demands even if she had not given us the money but it is the fact that she has used it to try to get her way that has upset me. Offering her a couple of places would be a good solution however we are a big family and are already dominating the guest list, there are only a few places left for their friends, to add these distant relatives at this stage would mean leaving someone off the list that DD really wants to be there. If there are some refusals then perhaps there will be space. I forgot to add that my Mum has refused to attended the wedding if her sister is invited, now this aunt of mine helped me with child care before DD went to school so she has to be invited. The day could be a nightmare and I am dreading it which is a shame; I shouldn't be dreading my daughter's wedding day; better me than DD though, I had my day.

Is she paying for more than half the overall wedding cost? I wonder how accurate her statement of paying for it actually is.

i would wait and see who she invites.
and maybe say to her 'granny really would like xyz to come, if people rsvp no could you keep them in mind?
i would also explain to granny that when she gave the money she should have been clear that it was with strings as dd may have chosen not to accept it. it is too late now to add those strings and she will have to accept that dd will chose the wedding she wants. i would also say that by actually trying to exclude your step children has changed how you thought of her as a person.
if the ppl she wants end up not getting invited i would soak up the poe face and snide comments from her.
i don't think i'd pay her back. i think ultimately that may cause even more issues.
maybe make sure she is thanked in the speeches for her generous contribution.

I think it's best your mum doesn't attend with all her demands. Why doesn't she want her sister there? Anyway, don't allow her to dictate and I wouldn't give her back the money ...or I'd do so at my convenience.

Whatever happens ....don't let her ruin your DDs and SILs big day.

Talk about controlling.

I wouldn't give the money back, but I'd definitely tell her that she should have made the attached strings known beforehand so that your DD could have made an informed decision on whether to accept the money.

Compile a list of her demands. Discuss them with your DD (who still thinks grandma is marvellously generous and lovely), and see where you are willing to compromise. Then tell her how it's going to be, making it clear that her actions have taken the shine off the gift.

I'm going against the majority view here because positioning yourself as a buffer between your DM and DD is uncomfortable now and can only get worse. You're kind to want to shield your DD from the demands your DM is making, but you'll be conflicted and guilt tripped more and more until the wedding takes place. IMO you need to put your daughter in the picture, reassure her that you will support whatever action she decides to take (refusal of the ££s, scaling down of the wedding, whatever) but leave it to the two of them to resolve. You can tell your DM ahead of time that you're unwilling to get involved in her manipulations so that she has time to modify her demands when she and your daughter discuss directly.

Please don't think I'm critical of your current stance - it's obvious that you're trying to be a caring mother and a dutiful daughter here, but to my mind the embargo on your stepchildren would be the final straw.

She sounds like a bloody nightmare OP.

This is what I would do - invite your aunt. This will possibly mean DM won't come at all and it will make all the choices much easier.

If she persists with her demands I would sit her down and tell her that she didn't give the money with strings attached, and can't start calling the shots now.

I suspect you have had a lifetime of this shit and are terrified of upsetting her?

Time to stand up to her. I wouldn't give her any money back, wouldn't let her dictate the guest list. She will probably send in the flying monkeys, or develop the "Mystery Illness" but again, I suspect you have seen all this before?

Yep time to tell her just to butt out! Desiring a few guests attend is one thing but the trying to exclude your daughter's step siblings she grew up with and an aunt she probably adores - no!

Presumably your mother gave the money as a gift to your DD? I would treat her as the adult she is and tell her that her Gran wants certain things done to suit her as she is paying. DD and her fiancé can then make their own choices

Yep, happypoobum has it aright. We're probably talking about a narc of no small proportion here.

OP, if you don't already know these terms, look them up, and read up about narcissistic personalities in general, to better gird your loins for the coming battle.

If I were the daughter in this situation, I would want to know. I would have hated finding out later that my mother had to put up with all of this without my knowledge and involvement. Just another take on the maybe-the-daughter-should-be-told opinions. She is an adult, not a child.

Does she know that her sister has been invited? This is a horrible situation for you, it should be a day to look forward to, instead you are dreading it due to her vile behaviour. Has she always been a nightmare to deal with?

I agree that it's time for some tough love. Tell her she has no right to make demands whether money is involved or not. The financial gift should be a gracious one and with no strings attached. If she can't accept that then offer the money back and sit her next to her sister for the meal

She's much worse than you previously suggested op. I agree, if some people decline, it could be possible to consider having them on the reserve list. However, if you dm refuses to attend if her sister goes, that's one extra place for a start off!

I would tell her that it's nothing to do with her who is invited and if you'd have known she'd have thrown in the blackmail card because she gave some money you'd never have accepted it. Tell her it will break her grand daughter's heart if she finds out, and if need be you will pay her back the money (albeit gradually).

And this is why I paid for my own wedding. I think it's awful if you can't invite your friends for having to have family members you barely see!

My mum offered to pay for our wedding (she was desperate for grandchildren but we were not prepared to start until we were married)
She said we could get married in my home town ... I'd not lived there for 7 years or I could get married abroad but she would not pay for me to be married in the town I lived in!

We got married abroad .... With only relatives who were prepared to go the extra mile and save and pay for our wedding !!!!

Don't give me ultimatums as o generally don't comply!

I'm with optimist - my nan tried to do this (having contributed no money, she could have done but I knew it would come with demands) my mum got stuck in the middle and it made her really unhappy until she just told me. It was far easier for me to say "sod off, it's my day" than it was for mum to try to negotiate it - I also didn't find it stressful at all (but then I know my nans character so already expected it)