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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Older woman - younger man - Am I mad

19 replies

miaows · 05/11/2016 07:39

Following on from the other thread about younger man now wanting to leave his older wife - not going to lie but it has freaked me out. I am now at where he was 10 years ago. I am 41 my partner 29. I am divorced with 2 kids 7/8. We are together now nearly 2 years and having the time of our lives. Of course ideally it would be perfect if we were closer in age but for now it really works. He is so sensible and I am a very young at heart - since he has met me he has come out of his shell and really has started to live his life. He swears blind he wants no kids but I am a realist and I know once you hit your 30s that will change. What do I do? Stay with him for next 10 years and enjoy until probably he will get his head turned to a younger woman or bail out now while I still have it in me to find someone else. I keep telling myself live each day as it comes nothing in life is guaranteed be happy now but that other thread has set it off again in my head. I know I probably have it in me to suck it up - have a ball for next 10 years and be prepared to break up if his head is turned. I think I would rather this option then to leave him and maybe not find that kind of connection again. I'm rambling now but it does feel good to put it down in words. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 05/11/2016 07:47

It's not as easy as having a ball for ten years, because emotions are involved, you will probably fall in love, actually love him and be possibly devastated when it ends. You may already be in love.you sound like you are.

The relationship may last, some do, but I would reckon that yes, you have a higher chance that at some point he may have his head turned by someone much younger. He may decide he wants kids at some point in the future. He may not though.no one can predict a relationship outcome.

Original poster

miaows · 05/11/2016 07:59

That's the thing who can predict. I am a realist about the future and I know we have a lot going against us but yes after spending the last 2 years with him I do love him. The negativity about our future goes round and round in my head but for now we are very happy and are both loving life. We spend most nights together and are hoping to move in together soon. He is very good to my children. Me and my exhb have 50% joint custody so he is not taking over a big roll in their lives - they enjoy him when they see him and he doesn't have added pressure of being a stepdad as such.

OP posts:

WiltingTulip · 05/11/2016 07:59

My age gap is similar to yours and I have dcs a similar age (but I also have dcs with my dh).

I worried a bit when we were dating but now (years later) I am sick, have no hair, no boobs, im fat from medication and I move like an elderly women and he's still around telling me how much he loves me every day!

Original poster

miaows · 05/11/2016 08:05

Thanks wiltingtulip - you can't beat love like that!! - and I guess I'm willing to gamble in the hope we stay strong like your relationship. Hope you get better and feel better soon

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 05/11/2016 08:32

I'm male & 11 years younger than my DP.
It can work, if you know what each other's triggers are to happiness & give each other the freedom to explore them. There are lots of benefits for him in dating an older woman, not wanting no kids, less erratic, knowing their own mind, life & sexual experience, the list is endless.
As long as you discuss the big things in life & you're both aware, you'll be fine.
Good luck OP

Original poster

miaows · 05/11/2016 08:42

Thanks TheNaze73 it really helps to hear from someone in the same position but on the other side . We do discuss the big things alot and will continue to do so.

OP posts:

TeenyW123 · 05/11/2016 08:54

I met my husband when I was 38 and he was 26. I have 1 son. We'll have been together 20 years next year and married for 16.

I think I originally thought "just a bit of fun!". But feelings is feelings.

SnoogyWoo · 05/11/2016 16:50

Same. I am male. Met my partner in 2001 and she was 41 and I was 27. She had 4 year old and 9 year old daughters who are grown women now and I'm very close to them. We are all still together.

bikerlou · 05/11/2016 23:23

Same age difference here, we lasted 17 years but the last 5 were horrible with him cheating and going to BDSM nightclubs.

I tried to keep it going but in the end couldn't stand the sight of him anymore, didn't trust him and knew I couldn't rely on him at all. i think he was revolted with my 54 years old body by the time he left and wanted to hang out with young women.

Yes the first few years were amazing but I was looking for a life time committment and I have to admit I should have seen that wasn't foing to happen after the honeymoon really.

HappyAxolotl · 05/11/2016 23:36

My family has had a few 15-year age gap marriages, all of which the man was the younger one. They all lasted!

springydaffs · 05/11/2016 23:58

Had to google BSDM

But that could happen in any relationship, surely? Nothing to do with age I would've thought.

Sounds nasty for you though lou

DiegeticMuch · 06/11/2016 17:17

All you can do is trust him when he says he wants no children, I guess.

At 41, you could have one or two children with him potentially. Maybe have a really serious "it's children now or never" chat and if he says, "never", you'll have to take his word for it.

The man who started the post you mention, had other issues in his relationship iirc. His wife was taking of retirement at 48 - I can understand his vexation with that, despite other, disagreeable elements of his post.

Sparlklesilverglitter · 06/11/2016 17:27

It's 12 which I don't think is a massive gap at all. Why do you assume he'd have his head turned by a younger woman?

You could meet a man your age and he cheat and leave just same as a younger man could
You could meet a man your age and spend years unhappy, just as you could with a younger man

DH is older than me by 10 years and we've been together 17 years. I have never had my head turned by a younger man, We are very happy together

No body can predict the future, none of us even know if we will be here next week!

Pinkheart5915 · 06/11/2016 17:32

12 years isn't a much of a gap really, especially when your 41 and him 29 your both very much adults

Nobody knows what will happen in the future. Any relationship can end no matter what age your partner is

DH is 15 years older than me, we have been together 10 years and are very happy. I have certainly never had my head turned by a younger man because I love my DH

Elenio · 06/11/2016 17:36

I am 10 years older than my dp (33 and 23) I have struggled with it a lot but it hasn't phased him in the slightest.

I also worry about what will happen in the future but we are good together and have lived together for 6 months now.

None of us can predict what will happen further down the line but we are very much in love and I can't throw that away just in case things don't work out later in life...

SandyY2K · 06/11/2016 22:48

DH is older than me by 10 years and we've been together 17 years. I have never had my head turned by a younger man, We are very happy together.

It doesn't usually happen this way round though.

Larger age gaps with the man being older are more common.

You can only live each day and enjoy your relationship in the present. I have seen marriages end with the younger man age gaps, but I've also seen an older man leave a younger wife for an older woman.

That happened to a friend of mine. She couldn't believe she'd been dumped for this older, less attractive woman. On the one hand she felt great that she was in much better shape and more attractive, OTOH, she felt that she must have been so awful in other areas that he left her for the 'old hag' - as she named her.

Some men change their mind about wanting kids once they see all their friends becoming dads. You just never know.

Original poster

miaows · 07/11/2016 07:08

Thanks for all the replies! It has eased my mind alot. Great to hear success stories and the younger male point of view. I can only take each day as it comes and live in the moment.

OP posts:

UpYerGansey · 07/11/2016 09:39

miaows I'm so glad you posted. That thread you mentioned really freaked me out too, and it is so good to hear some positive stories.
I'm seeing a younger man too. I worried myself into a huge panic over the gap earlier in the year and ended it. I did my very best to put it behind me and forget about him, but I wasn't able to and needed to have a conversation with him, so I contacted him. He jumped at it. We've just come back from our first weekend away, and it was one of the best times I've ever had in my life.

Yes it's a big gap but he's a grown-up, is a professional in his career, he's a really smart guy, and of course - it's really early days. But now I know he really likes me, we have feelings for each other.

I come with a ton of baggage, he has none.
That thread terrified me though, it really did. So thank you - and thanks to the posters who said it can work.
A little hope is essential, and it's been a long, long time since I met someone who floats my boat like he does. Fingers crossed 💫

jamie000 · 07/11/2016 10:20

I hope my thread hasn't put you off. My point, not very well presented or received, was that my own relationship is very rocky and that is exasperated by my DP being older and aging differently to me. You don't know whether that will happen between you two. Yes, he may decide he wants kids in 7 years, but then again maybe you'll decide you want a man your own age in 7 years time - he doesn't know for sure, same as you don't. People all seem to be planning for the next 50 years, when actually the next 10 is more realistic. If you're happy I'd say fuck it and enjoy the ride (no double entendre intended ;))

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