Partner prefers porn & other women over me...

[user1478288675]

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and have a 1 year old son together. Around a year ago I found out he had a problem with porn - he would be watching it most nights (until the early hours 3/4am). I do not mind porn per say, but we rarely have sex and I never feel sexy or wanted.

We had a big argument and he agreed not to watch it anymore as it was effecting our relationship. He watched it a couple of times after that but each time I found out and he swore he would not do it again. Recently I have noticed that he has been viewing Facebook friends pictures a lot and one can only assume what he is doing whilst viewing them. From what I have seen in his history he will look through hundreds of female friends pictures on Facebook, then delete his browsing history (or so he thinks).

I haven't confronted him about it yet. Like I said earlier, I have no problem with porn itself. My issue is we have had sex once since August and it really hurts me that he would rather look at female Facebook friends then be with me. I am very open about sex and willing to try new things, dress up etc.

What do you think I should do? I feel like at this point I have confronted him so many times, I feel so deflated. I have considered going to see a therapist but this would cost £80 per hour which we simply cannot afford. We have a 1 year old son together and I feel like I need to make it work. Has anybody been in a similar situation and how did you cope?

[Bluntness100]

The face book thing is weird, I'm sorry, however liking straight porn doesn't mean he is looking at the women, and in addition, plenty straight women get turned on watching other women. Is he in any way effeminate?

I'm sorry, but if a man said he didn't like vaginas to me, I don't know how I could perceive him to be straight,

Not every man is into giving oral sex, he gets a pass there, but honestly, not liking female bits, there is no way round that. It literally comes down to this:

"I don't like vaginas, said no straight man ever".

[crazyhead]

He's perfectly entitled to not like vaginas etc but what he's flipping not entitled to is to drop that into the conversation when you've been together for several years and have a one year old child! Jesus, what we he even thinking? 'Hey I don't like vaginas, so how about I father a child with someone who doesn't realise this fact and is in possession of a vagina!' What a moron!

I hope at the very least that therapy means that he works out that he owes you the decency of being a highly decent and effortful ex.

[PoldarksBreeches]

I doubt he is gay - he's just a plain old misogynist who thinks real women are gross. He wanks to imaginary women and therefore finds your vagina unsatisfying because he's used to his own grip. He's not interested in fostering sexual intimacy between you because he doesn't really like you much.

[DeleteOrDecay]

I'm sorry op, that sounds awful.

He sounds like a very selfish man, sexually at least.

It also sounds like he prefers the idea of women, rather than an actual real life women. And that he thinks women are there for his pleasure rather than sex being a mutual thing. As a pp stated he sounds very misogynistic.

You honestly deserve so much better. And so does your son.

[SmellySphinx]

I wouldn't bother with therapy, well not for yourself anyway.
For him yes, it sounds like he really needs it!
Your relationship aside, is he a good father? If so I would personally leave him and let him be a good Dad. Find yourself a bloke whose mind is firmly in reality and not floating around in some virtual world with plastic women and pictures. He sounds very sexually immature and uneducated. May be a long shot but it sounds as if he likes the idea of women, maybe he wants to be one?! He won't discuss anything with you beyond a certain point and refuses to go in depth about what the real issue is. If he is just bored with you then he can come out and say it so you at least can move on from this.It sounds as though that is a lazy brush off excuse as to what's wrong.

[user1478288675]

He is a good father to our son. He is sexually immature (I was his first real relationship, although he did have sexual partners before then). He told me he hated sex education at school and has always found sex very difficult to discuss.

It's just extremely confusing and upsetting. I may open the conversation with him again tonight, but I feel like I am pestering him and being an irritant by continuing to press the issue. I will be insisting on therapy, but I still feel as though he isn't being 100% honest with me. And Im not sure if even a therapist can fix this. The porn addiction, aversion to sex and sexual activities, selfishness & lying... It is a lot.

I was brought up in a household that very much had the attitude that you stay together for the children no matter what. My mum went through my father having affairs and being emotionally abusive but didn't leave because she didn't want her children to go through divorce and upheaval.

My number one priority is our son and I need to do what is best for him. I could leave him but that would mean I am a young, single mum. Happier yes, but our whole lives would be thrown into confusion. But I don't want resentment to build over years (which is already happening now) and I end up leaving him in 10 years having wasted time and effected my son more.

It's very difficult to know what to do

[Crazeecurlee]

Staying in unhappy relationships can often be more damaging to the children than staying. You spoke about your mum being in an unhappy marriage for the children, and now look what you are prepared to put up with! Do you want your son to grow up thinking that this is normal? Because if you stay that is what you will be teaching him. He can still be a good father to your son if you separate.

It sounds it's you rather than he that is actually interested in therapy. I know from very personal experience that dragging someone to therapy when they don't want help will not work. It takes a lot of commitment and time to change, and he is still lying to you. I can understand if you feel like you can't walk away before trying everything, so if you really are intent on therapy, I would strongly encourage you to commit to very regular sessions and set a deadline for when you want things to have changed.

Despite what I wrote above, it sounds like you know in your heart that therapy won't change things. You made a lot of good points in your updates OP about delaying the inevitable and it being preferable to split whilst both you and your child are still young. I think those are all valid points and you do not need to go to therapy to justify leaving. Your family will get over it.

Do you want the next 10 years of your life to be miserable? That's a long time. And who knows, once you've invested 10 years, it might be even harder to walk away.

[herwegoagain123]

This man isn't gay. He is intimacy avoidant because he is probably addicted to porn and now has mh issues and is emotionally immature. He needs therapy from a specialist councillor but this must be done by his own choosing.
I would tell him this and tell him to leave and come back if and when hes sorted himself out. Which could be years.
this happened to me and it tore my self esteem to shreds but I'm out the other side and can now see it for what it is.
Which is nothing to do with you or how attractive you are. He would be doing this WHOEVER he was with.

[herwegoagain123]

remember when talking to him you wont get any sense. He will probably blame you but do not listen to his addicted brain bullshit.
What an entitled immature idiot. He chose to indulge himself to the point of now being unable to connect with real women because he prefers a wank.
By the way this can lead to sex workers and sex addiction. Check for atm withdrawals phone bills etc.
Do not be taken for a fool.

[Woody67]

He sounds generally a bit uptight about sex. I wonder if he has issues with having sex with "a mother" because of this.
My friend's ex partner went off sex with her completely after she gave birth to their child. I'm sure I read somewhere that Elvis was the same with Priscilla after their daughter was born. Does he have a particularly close relationship with his mother?

[SmellySphinx]

Is it possible he was abused as a child?

[gratesnakes]

I agree with here we go again123. I think you need to ask him to leave for a year. If he wants to get expert sex therapy in that time you could talk about possibly getting back together. These are major issues to overcome though and with no guarantee of success.

[SandyY2K]

A gay man wouldn't be watching female porn or viewing female pics like that.

I think what he isn't saying because he doesn't want to hurt you, is that he's not sexually attracted to you anymore. He turned that into vaginas to generalise it.

The other possibility is that he's a lazy selfish lover and doesn't want to spend the time and energy satisfying you and making sex good for you.

Sex seems like too much of an effort for him.

How long has it been this way?
When you are intimate, is it good for you?

What alternative is he proposing for your sexual needs being met if he doesn't like vaginas?

Would he be okay for another man to fulfill those needs?

The options you have are accepting a sexless marriage and being unhappy or supressing your desire OR seriously consider ending it.

You don't want to stay and be resentful later on in life and I agree that it would be better to leave while your son is young enough to adjust.

I mean his refusal to try any of the things you've said is concerning. He doesn't like Vjays and you've offered anal. You've suggested toys. .... this is more than what he's saying.

He isn't willing to try anything. Most men would be thrilled with some of your ideas, but it doesn't seem to bother him. Maybe he just wants you to masterbate like he does.

You can't improve things on your own. You're making so much effort and he isn't bothered.

[Bluntness100]

A gay man wouldn't be watching female porn or viewing female pics like that.

[noeffingidea]

I don't think he's gay either. I think he's addicted to porn and doesn't want to deal with a real woman with a real vagina.
I'm sorry, but is it really possible to have any kind of sexual relationship with someone that doesn't want to touch smell or taste your genitals in any way? How would he feel if the situation was reversed and you felt repulsed by his penis and didn't want anything to do with it? It's just not on, really.
I just don't see any future here at all. Probably best to cut your losses and end it as painlessly as possible.

[DeleteOrDecay]

I don't think he's gay either. I think he's addicted to porn and doesn't want to deal with a real woman with a real vagina.

I agree with this 100%. He's essentially been brainwashed by porn and three instant gratification it gives him to the point where he can no longer be bothered to actually do the real thing.

[Gildedcage]

I feel for you. I appreciate that you don't want to leave your marriage but can you really hand on your heart say that you can stay in a sexless marriage whilst his repeated port use crushes your self esteem.

Even if you do get therapy it will take total engagement on his behalf to make changes. And you won't be able to ever forget he said those things to you.

[deadringer]

I think poldarks comment at 13.32 is spot on. Sorry op.