Please could someone read this email from stbxh and tell me hot to reply?

[stripystars]

He wrote:

This may not be welcome, but I thought I should respond fully to what you said in your e mail.

I agree entirely that the boys should not be subject to witnesing us fall apart twice if we attempted to make up and it didn't work. You seem to think it inevitably wouldn't. But I know, on my part at least, that I would never let anything or anybody get in the way of a reconcilliation. I can only assume that you mean it would be impossible for you to ever trust me again. I can understand that and you should tell me if that's the case. I have been an incredible fool and you have every right. What I would like to happen is for us to first go back to mediation and if you then think it wouldn't work, I'll understand. This then wouldn't impact on the boys. I think you have done unbelievably well by the way in coping and rebuilding your life in the way you have and don't want to reopen old wounds in you. But I honestly believe our marriage was a good one and I would be an even bigger fool than I have been already, not to try everything I possibly can to attempt to save it. I realise you gave me every opportunity to do this earlier and I spurned this chance. I know now may well be far too late and if this is so, then all I can say is I'm truly sorry. I apologise for banging on about this but it's too important to simply let go without giving my utmost one last time. I don't expect a long reply back from you and promise this will be the last time I will mention this.

We have been separated over 2 years and I have finally got going o divorce, which is absolutely what I want. He was unfaithful and behaved really badly in the aftermath. I have had several threads on here under different names - basically, he's a shit.

Aside from my feelings (really don't think I love him anymore) and my concerns about the children, I do think he is largely motivated by his lack of money, shitty flat and lack of prospects. I know he has built up about £5k of debt over the last few years and would be bringing that back to the marriage.

But I am really scared of antagonising him as he has so far said he doesn't want any of my pension. I also fear that he may start being increasingly difficult about access to the dc - though he creates some difficulties with this anyway.

He should be receiving the divorce papers next week so I feel like it's really poor timing and I can't just not reply.

Any advice would be great.

I would just say you have read it but, as he's identified, 2 years down the line you've rebuilt your life and do not want to try a reconciliation, and that you hope he will respect that even though it's not what he wants, however you know you can both work together to be great parents for the children.etc. Then ignore anything further as he has said he won't mention it again.

Ignore ignore ignore. HE makes no sense

I'd reply with something like:

I'm so glad you realise that I could never trust you again. Your wishes do not meet my needs so you should understand that any hope for reconciliation on your part is futile as I'm not interested.

My dearest wish is to ensure we work well together as both-parents for our fabulous kids. There's no reason why our boys shouldn't be able to trust in the fact they have 2 parents who love them and have their best interests at heart.

Don't reply.

He's already said he will never mention it again. So any response from you will result in him feeling justified in mentioning it again.

Of course you should reply. Not replying will antagonise him. It is extremely passive aggressive.

Make some reference to his request but shut down any reconciliation simply but not rudely. Then focus on the good and working together

Definitely ignore. Just deal with him "officially."

Imho, because you are sure, with metaphysical certitude, that you will never get back with him that you should not reply. The divorce papers are in motion and the timing of his email should not be allowed to disrupt that. Radio silence. This is the new, stronger you.

Responding in any way shape or form will give him hope simply because you did respond. Even an emphatic, clear and in no uncertain terms "no!" would be dismissed and the game is on to get that "no" into a "yes". Therefor, imho, a response followed by receipt of divorce papers would be more cruel than just silence.

As said before, any contact should be administrative regarding dc only.

Not replying seems petty. You share children, it isn't like you will never see him again. I'd respond with 'While I can appreciate you feel guilty over your behaviour, the marriage is over. I no longer love you '

I think he wants to work out the relationship. He's feeling very sorry for himself and desperately wanting a second a chance. Third? Fourth?

I did this with an ex, wasted many years living in hope. Would never do it again. I always think if someone can really hurt you once it is easier for them the second time around. I no longer give people the second chance :)

Don't reply. Be strong.

I actually would reply, but purely because it will look a wee bit shitty if you don't and he just gets the divorce papers in the post next week. that's the only reason.

See, he's said this: "I know now may well be far too late and if this is so, then all I can say is I'm truly sorry."

You can reply to this line only - "Thanks for your email, yes you're right, it is far too late. Divorce papers will be with you next week".

Otherwise I think he might get more aggro, if you don't give him a response/heads up of what's coming.

If he isn't likely to get aggro (but from what you've said, he is) then I wouldn't bother, just let him find out for himself - but if no response + papers out of the blue will wind him up, then brief response would be better, IMO.

Dear X,

Thank you for your email, i have given it some thought;
You are right, it would be impossible for me to ever trust you again, too much has happened and now, ultimately, too much time has passed for us to ever reconcile. I think we both know that it wouldn't be in the best interests of the children, or ourselves, to reopen old wounds by trying again after all this time.
I think we should instead work on building a strong coparenting relationship in order to support the children and provide them the stability they need from us both, whilst moving forward with the divorce so that we can both emotionally move on with our lives,

Op

the reality is u do not have to reply at all, and generally i would say not to engage is the best route. but it depends what you want to do. if he thinks it acceptable to not return the children and switch his phone off for a whole day," then he neither cares much for u nor respects u, and whilst it's oh so tempting to spell out to him how that act in itself would have blow any mans chances at reconciliation, let alone his, i would be nervous to antagonise him, he's clearly capable of behaving like an arsehat and is using his kids as a weapon against you... so maybe a pleasant thanks but no thanks email is the way to go...

Please don't ignore him. It's got nothing to do with conceding anything to him, everything to do with conducting yourself properly within a grownup Coparenting relationship. If you look at it as genuine (let's be charitable), treat him with respect.

Short and sweet, turn him down. Move on.

Ignoring will cause more problems.

A simple. "I've moved on and do not want to reconcile, but I hope we can coparent well for the boys and always have their best interest at heart."

Thanks