Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Need an outside point of view

17 replies

meowmix · 12/02/2007 06:03

I'm kind of lost at the moment and I could use advice. DH and I have always had a very close reln and ups and downs have been easily managed and got through. But lately we're just not connecting and I can't seem to get through to him. He snaps at everything I do or say, spends all his free time in front of the computer (admittedly he's a programmer so thats not new), we've just had his friends here for the best part of 3 weeks and I felt completely left out. Our sex life is probably completely average for people with a toddler. Ie few chandelier moments but ok.

DH is a sahd and I think me being his sole adult is putting too much strain on the relationship. But he won't think about working till DS is in school for more than 3 hours a day (about 2 years time) which is ok with me, as I do believe DS is the priority (schools here drop hours in the first 2 years from the hours of nursery). We moved overseas for my work last year and its been challenging but good, and I'm working less hours than I did in the UK and travelling less. Money is a little tight in that we're not saving as much as we expected to, which he is now beginning to throw at me as an issue, so I've taken on some writing work that will bring in some extra cash on top of my full-time job.

In my view, we actually have a pretty good life - we go out once a week together, have all mod cons, cleaners regularly, good circle of friends (admittedly mainly through my work), I do all the housework the cleaners don't deal with and all the childcare when I'm at home (DS is in nursery 7.30am-2pm five days a week). He is working on a project that could be amazing and I've helped him with contacts for sponsorship - but he never follows up.

I don't know what more I can do. He won't talk about this, says he's not depressed just that he doesn't get enough time of his own, and I can't take much more of my best friend being off with me.

So my question. If I were your DH/DW what would you expect from me? Am I missing something? What more can I do?

I'm sure I am bloody annoying at times by the way and don't expect roses all the way. But this can't go on.

OP posts:

Quootiepie · 12/02/2007 06:08

What does your DH do from 7.30 - 2, 5 days a week? Does he get out, by himself much?

Original poster

meowmix · 12/02/2007 06:13

he takes ds to school (30 mins each way) and works on his project

OP posts:

Original poster

meowmix · 12/02/2007 06:14

by the way if I'm being unfair I do want to know. So [shakes in fear] don't hold back. My marriage is too important to be blind to my own faults.

OP posts:

Quootiepie · 12/02/2007 06:14

The situation doesn't sound a bad one, but, it seems he doesn't have time out of the house without you or the kids. You have work, so get interaction that way. Can he join any clubs? Gym? Socialise somehow abit more on his own? Do you think that would help?

Quootiepie · 12/02/2007 06:16

I don't think you are being unfair at all! You say you have a cleaner, and you do the rest. He has 5 mornings off a week, by himself, and weekends with you helping him. It doesn't sound like he is being swamped in work - just bored I guess. You can get into that rut, I am in it now pretty much - everyday is the same, only DH to interact with mainly and it gets "depressing".

sheenanewmom · 12/02/2007 06:17

see my b/f made me quiet my job becasue i wasn't spending enough time with the kids but now he's not working and i'm not working and what messed up is that the next day after i quiet he called me a lazy b**8

Original poster

meowmix · 12/02/2007 06:17

I'd love for him to do that but he never sees it through - he'd arranged to meet some other coders for drinks, then it got postponed and he didn't follow up. If I rearrange it he'll go but then I feel like I'm being interfering mummy not wife if that makes any sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

meowmix · 12/02/2007 06:20

I think boredom is a part of it. Admittedly I am a fascinting creature but probably not enough to keep a grown man interested 24/7.

OP posts:

Quootiepie · 12/02/2007 06:24

I guess you will have to organise it for it, until he gets into it more. Give him that big push. Ban him from the house in the mornings

Original poster

meowmix · 12/02/2007 06:37

oh with my dh telling him to do or not do something is a sure fire way to invite disaster. Plus where would he go? this town is not set up for socialising during the day.

OP posts:

NewDKmum · 12/02/2007 09:01

Hi Meowmix

Don't know if I can help, but I'll try. I am in a similar position to your dh - my dh and I moved from Europe to the UK because of his work. I started out working too, but am now a sahm and we have recently moved to a new area (new job for dh), so have to start over meeting new people. Like your dh, I am not depressed, but at the same time I am not the happy and outgoing person I used to be.

It is really hard when you don't get the confirmation of your own worth during your work as well as natural interaction with other adults. It is hard not to get stuck in a vicious cycle where you feel bad about not accomplishing as much as you want to and feeling inferior and uninteresting compared to your partner.

What has helped me in the past - and might help your dh? - was when we sat down and hada talk about what I felt was missing in my life and then doing something about it. What does your dh mean when he says he doesn't have enough time to himself? Does he want to go out an evening during the week and take up a sport? Does he want to join some kind of club? Are there any other things that make him feel bad about himself - does he want to lose weight / change his appearance, does he want to do something different from the project he is working on? What are his dreams?

Another thing that has helped my dh and I - we chucked out the telly when we moved - you won't believe how much we talk during the evenings now! And no feeling guilty for slumping with daytime tv.

Sorry this became a long post - hope it might be of any help.

Original poster

meowmix · 12/02/2007 09:28

thanks newdk - telly not an issue here in the middle east, its all pants (have you ever seen BBC Prime? on the plus side I have now seen 1992's hot sitcoms.... twice...)

He wants to do his project. Years back he nearly lost a job because he got obsessive with a project and it may be those days are back.

Argh. why are men so crap at talking?!

OP posts:

AngharadGoldenhand · 12/02/2007 09:32

If he won't talk, can you write him a letter and leave it for him to read?

Original poster

meowmix · 12/02/2007 09:52

god no he sees that as aggressive, done that before. might have to seduce it out of him, last thing I feel like right now!

OP posts:

anorak · 12/02/2007 10:01

Forgive me if I am wrong, but I am getting alarm bells here about the possibility of his being addicted to the internet.

This could involve porn but not neccessarily. It's possible to become so involved with the internet that it starts to seem more real to the person that their real life. I know this might sound funny but it is a recognised medical condition nowadays and I have seen it happen to a friend of mine.

Unfortunately it often does involve porn to a lesser or greater degree and that can lead to the person's becoming quite detached and remote from their real relationships. It can stem from a lack of feelings of value in real life - not your fault but as someone has said working alone can leave a person quite bereft of stimulation or recognition. (I work alone at home so I understand this).

An internet life can mean the person can assume a new persona for themself where they are admired and valued. The fact that it is all artificial is something they become blind to. My friend even told me that at the time he felt very troubled if he left his computer for too long - even to the point of being shaky and dizzy.

Can you get away for a few days without any form of computer with you? To do so would be very telling. I am willing to bet that your DH will resist and in fact refuse to be separated from the internet

This is not an easy problem to solve.

NewDKmum · 12/02/2007 10:09

Hmmm, if he does want to do his project then it does seem like he needs a bit of a push to follow up on sponsorships etc. If he doesn't like you to do it directly, have you thought of any other ways?

Does he read books? How about you take up reading Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist and tell him what a fantastic book it is. If you don't know it - it is a fairly easy read that gets you thinking about pursuing your dreams and seeing your projects through.

Original poster

meowmix · 12/02/2007 11:24

Ok crickey its not the net! He's a programmer, so he's writing computer programmes. Bloody brilliant my husband so I'm told. Def not porn but thanks for the concern! He gave up programming for about 2 years after ds was born its just now ds is at nursery he's got back to it with a vengeance.

I think I may stage an intervention though and accidentally bump us into some people. He'll sulk for days but might shake him out of it.

OP posts:

Flip