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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When did you know it was time to end the relationship

18 replies

GlenBelt · 03/11/2016 21:22

I've been with dh 12 years, 2 kids and we were 'childhood sweethearts'. We have often had a fiery relationship but have had some lovely times.

Since having our youngest I just feel like we're alienated from each other. We sleep in separate rooms (dh thinks baby will keep him awake, though he has never tried) we argue a lot and spending more and more time apart. But then some times we have a lovely day or seem to start getting on well again, just enough for it to seem like our marriage is worth saving.

I love him dearly and when separation has been discussed I worry about how he would cope. Ideally we would have a trial separation but that would mean me having to tell family which I really don't want to do.

I don't know how to think about this logically, I don't think I even know how I feel. Every time I think about separation I feel so sad, I wanted another child for my other to grow up with (our first child died) I don't know whether this is colouring my decision, I also wonder whether I'm clinging onto the idea of the family I wanted, I desperately don't want a failed marriage.

If you have left a marriage, how did you know it was time to end it?

OP posts:

Offred · 03/11/2016 21:51

Have you talked to him about this?

bluecashmere · 03/11/2016 21:56

I think there's a lot going on here. Have you thought about counselling (for yourself) to help understand what it is that you want?

fc301 · 03/11/2016 21:58

OP I'm so so sorry to hear that. Sounds like he has 'switched off'. Grief is a terrible thing. Surely counselling would be the starting point not separation? Hugs.

fc301 · 03/11/2016 22:01

My cousin lost her first child, leaving a lone sibling. They have now had a 3rd so that remaining sibling was not an only child. Abs does not replace the one they lost but very much a newfound positivity, so your longing is understandable x

clumsyduck · 03/11/2016 22:02

The thing is op it's going to be different reasons for everyone when I read your title in my head I instantly thought " when I realised I didn't love him anymore " yet clearly for you that isn't the case .

I'm sorry to hear about your eldest child I can't even begin to imagine how that must effect you . Have you ha counselling maybe that would be a place to start ?

Original poster

GlenBelt · 03/11/2016 22:09

We have discussed, he keeps talking about separation during arguments then says he doesn't mean it but I know he does. He had telephone counselling as I believe he is depressed and made him go to doctors but I felt he wasn't truthful, he won't do couples counselling but we couldn't afford it anyway. He has switched off but doesn't see it, says I'm the problem. Maybe I am too but don't see it?

We were meant to be going on a family trip tomorrow. I said to him 'if you drink all 8 cans of super strength lager you are not driving tomorrow' to which he replied 'Well we aren't going then'. A ehole argument ensued then as I'm being a bitch and making out like he's going drink driving. Apparently seeing as he started drinking at 5:30 and has been sick several times he'll be gine for late morning. I am not prepared to take that gamble with our child. Reading this back makes me feel so sad, this isn't normal is it.

OP posts:

Original poster

GlenBelt · 03/11/2016 22:12

Maybe counselling for me would be a good idea, anyone know how to access support when you don't have enough to pay for counselling?

OP posts:

clumsyduck · 03/11/2016 22:16

Ask your doctor they can refer you and I believe there are nhs run programs that you can self refer to you have to have a look on google for your area :)

Normal no maybe not but then you have been through a massive trauma so I guess he drinks to Excess like that because he is depressed ? I'm not condoning it at all but maybe that's how he deals with it all and he needs help but also I guess if he is unwilling then you can't be expected to put up with it indefinitly

Counselling for you will be a good starting point I think

Offred · 03/11/2016 22:17

Eesh... so he is a problem drinker... that's the problem...

fc301 · 03/11/2016 22:28

GP. Cruise bereavement charity may be able to offer help.
Drink is not THE problem. Out of your long post 4 pertinent words stand out. Our first child died. You both need help and support. And you do still care for each other.

fc301 · 03/11/2016 22:29

You both need to take a step back from this and admit to each other 'I am not coping'.

Gildedcage · 03/11/2016 22:31

Yes his drinking is certainly a problem. But grief is a strange thing. I don't think either of you will be in the right place mentally to make a massive decision like ending a marriage.

I agree with the pp that NHS can offer counselling. Also our local church supports a family centre who offer free individual and couples counselling. I know that approaching the church would fill some with dread, however my experience was positive I never felt as though I was being lead in any particular direction and certainly not evangelse. Do you think there may be something similar near you? Perhaps speak to your GP as first port of call.

You sound like there is still love between you but there is obviously a massive hole as well. It might time a long time for it to scab over, and it will never be quite the same again. But if there is still love I think you will both regret not really giving it your best try.

Offred · 03/11/2016 22:36

If he is losing himself at the bottom of a bottle like this he will not be able to engage effectively with counselling. Unless he tells his GP he is using alcohol like this he won't be offered the right support.

Original poster

GlenBelt · 03/11/2016 22:47

I'm going to come across as drip feeding but I left out our whole awful history so advice was more objective based on when do you know it is right to leave. I'm pretty sure if I mentioned everything in the first post most would say ltb.

Dependance has been a factor for the entirety of our relationship (though I wasn't really aware at 15) He smoked weed for a long time, then he lost a parent and started drinking, then we hit crisis point and he started exercising ( I think this also became an 'addiction' but this was a happy period) then we lost our child and it went back to drinking. We shouldn't have tried for another, it wasn't the right time but we were desparate to fill the void. I suppose what I'm saying is his drinking hasn't always been down to grief.

I can't figure out whether I just care for the man I have grown up with or whether I love him. I feel so sad thinking about ending our relationship but don't want to keep delaying it if it is inevitable. I think counselling for myself would be good. Thank you for your advice, I've never considered it for myself as I've always thought I have been coping.

OP posts:

Offred · 03/11/2016 22:54

You should be able to do more than just cope though.

Maybe not at the moment, but ultimately.

FWIW it is good if he doesn't want to sleep near the baby when he has an alcohol problem.

fc301 · 03/11/2016 23:16

Sounds like he's self medicating. And has an addictive personality. But you don't have to be happy about it. None of us are well placed to tell you what is best for you,

TheNaze73 · 04/11/2016 08:07

The addictive personality side to him needs addressing, if this is to work.
Personally, I could not live like this

Gildedcage · 04/11/2016 08:12

Yes he does sound like he self medicates. It just happens to be alcohol at the moment . Any change with this regard can only come from him. You can't make him ask for help.

Have you ever had some counselling just for you? I think this would help to be honest. There's a lot going on here and counselling would give you a way of working through your feelingsearch. Your GP can help you if you explain your home situation.

I agree with pp that at least he isn't sleeping around the baby in this state. That's one plus at least.

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