Scared to leave, scared to admit it's a mess

[Justfeellost]

Hi, first time poster here. In a 10 year relationship, two children, just bought a new home. Desperately unhappy, and feel very alone. I want to leave, I should have left long ago, but I don't want to put my children through what I went through (divorced parents). Partner is controlling financially, and clearly isn't happy but refuses to leave. Feel very stuck. Any advice?

Go to a solicitor and have your free half an hour - or go to CAB. Leaving will not seem so frightening if you have all the information you need and have got all your ducks in a row.

Two happy parents is better than two miserable parents, together or apart. My husband's parents stayed together 'for the kids' - the kids who were in fact utterly miserable their entire childhoods and neither of whom have any concept of what a healthy family dynamic is. The kids who sat their own parents down when they were 11 and 14 and asked their parents to get divorced for Christmas. Being together in a happy, loving relationship is a great model for your children, a miserable relationship just means they feel unsettled all the time they're around both parents, just waiting for the next squabble where they feel stuck in the middle.

Thank you. Dinah85 I do agree with what you are saying, I just know that he wont make it easy, and i worry about them. At 4 and 6, they won't understand, i certainly didn't, not until I was a teenager myself X

Coming from someone who had parents who were absolutely miserable in their marriage (and were often verbally abusive to each other and at some point, even physically...); I would have preferred they had gotten a divorced than stayed in it "because" of me. Which, they have at some point blamed on me.

I would hate, God forbid, that your children end up feeling the way I felt when I saw how miserable they were, which in turn made me miserable (But, I also suffered horrific abuse by the both of them).

Please, if you are unhappy and you've already tried to salvage it.. such as counseling, sitting down one-on-one to communicate the issues (if possible)... Do not stay in it and do not drag it out. You will give your children a much happier (and smoother) life if you get out of it sooner rather than later. Again, I only urge this option if you've already done EVERYTHING to fix it.

At some point, you have to realize when the 'risk' is worth the end. Also, if your kids are of age, and you're close enough with them, i'd even go to them personally. While it may seem awful to bring such a scary topic up, sometimes...they already see the misery and will often blame themselves for the misery. IF I were a parent (which I'm not), I definitely would not want my children to feel responsible for the 'shams' of the marriage.

I wish you the best of luck. Just remember, it can be more detrimental to stay in it than leave. Assess your situation, list out your options, and attack the best solution. :)

Your abuser won't leave; he is as happy as a clam having you around to control and lord over.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?
Do not do your bit here to show your children that a loveless marriage is their norm too. You and in turn your children as well are being abused by this man.

Staying in this is no option at all and will lead to more misery. Also these young people cannot and must not be used as glue to bind you and he together. You've already stated you want to leave; find your inner strength and act on that to get out. Seek legal advice from a solicitor and find out where you stand legally; after all knowledge is power.

He will likely make it as difficult and protracted as possible for you to leave him because such men do not let go of their victims easily. It is still no reason to remain with him though.

I can tell you horror stories about what my parents not divorcing put me through. I can tell you about how they blamed me for their misery, well that's how I saw "staying together for the sake of the children".

You are worried about the horrors of divorce because of what happened to you. What did happen? What your parents fail to help you with? Do you know why it was so bad for you?

What happens when you try and talk to your partner?

Do you have someone to talk to? perhaps a counsellor to help with your thoughts. Once you decide to leave you will find a way, there is always an exit route and a solicitor will help you.

Separating when the children are younger is actually easier as they seem to adjust better. I am just going through the process, my ds is upset but H and I have remained positive infront of him and I'm sure we can minimise the damage. I truly believe it's the conflict that causes the damage for children and that can happen in a marriage or out of a marriage.

Have a chat with Womens Aid if you haven't already.
0808 2000 247
They can point you in the direction of local support services and with an exit plan if that is what you want.
The lessons you are currently teaching your DC are not good ones.
This is why the abuse cycle continues and continues.
If abuse 'victims' left and showed the DC good examples of what people should and should not put up with then abusive relationships would be on the decline.
Don't stay 'for the kids' that's never wise and often more damaging.
In fact SS now say that seeing abuse is basically the same as being abused and do all they can now to keep children out and away from the abusive parent.
WA can help you see this for what it is then you can make your plans if you want to.