sex (don't want it)

[sunnyjim]

well I'm sitting here feeling crap cos Dh has just come downstairs and said "I thought you were coming up to bed" (sex)

Here's the background. My libido has always been lower than his, before DS i was happy with 2-3 times a week DH prefers 5-6 times a week. Post childbirth I've nearly completly lost interest, DS has been very ill for alot of his 22 months and still doesn't sleep through. So today is typical, I've had 1 full nights sleep in the past 7 days when DH took over, all other nights have been waking up at random hours to deal with a screaming toddler. Last friday we were in A&E with DS, up until wednesday of this week DS was still pretty poorly, listless and very thin.

I have also been trying to deal with my first month in a new job (teaching) and having my mother-in-law staying to help out with childcare. the minute MIl left DH started tlaking about sex again. Last night at 9.30pm after i'd been up since 4am he started saying he wanted me to get dressed up in my new boots etc etc. I said I was too tired and didn't feel at all sexy.
He asked 'when would i feel sexy' I said I didn't know but probably when i'd had a bit more sleep.
Today; DS is mostly better - but of course that means he has loads of energy to work off, I've been up since 5am and I am sitting listening to DS coughing still.
All i want is quiet time to sit still, surf the web a bit and let my tea digest and possibly go to bed early.

I daresay you might also feel more sexy when you are less anxious about sick ds and new job (both v stressful). Doesn't help when dh gives you his libido to worry about too.
Of course he may well see it as giving you something nice to help you through this difficult time.

Well, if you had a higher libido, all of the things you list wouldnt stop you from wanting sex more often than you do now.

However, I think your DH has to appreciate also that circumstances have changed, and that he needs to help you in order to remove some of the factors that are currently standing in your way. So, getting up at nights to deal with DS etc.

It is also important to feel desirable again. He can play a large part in that - romancing you, taking you out on a 'date' etc and not pestering you, or assuming that every cuddle or show of affection will lead to sex.

At the same time, perhaps you need to recondition yourself to the fact that sex can be relaxing, de-stressing, and basically enjoyable. It's not such a terrible way to unwind.

"recondition yourself to the fact that sex can be relaxing, de-stressing, and basically enjoyable. It's not such a terrible way to unwind. "

how do I do that? I'm not into romantic stuff, the thought of candellit baths etc isn't at all relaxing or sexy for me.

We have talked a bit tonight - and managed to have good sex! one of the issues for me is that my 'cycle' for sex is about 30 minutes, from warm up to Big (or small) O. For DH its about 2 hrs!!!

What are the things that do make you feel inclined towards sex (apart from having had enough sleep...). Talk to your DH about how you can get those things.
I know that the general advice about long baths, candles and new shoes can seem a bit irrelevant and patronising if none of those things particularly work for you (they don't interest me much either) but the sort of core message - think about what you'd actually like to have and ask for it - is not so bad.

Cos it's miserable all round to get locked into that mindset where one party wants sex and keeps pestering and the other party feels that they might want sex again one day but is starting to think of sex as a chore somewhere between emptying the bins and filing the credit card statements...

um, quite male things actually - ie I like erotica/porn.
I also love being touched, but not on my front - that makes me tense up. I adore back/leg/feet massages.

Can DS maybe go to his grandparents for the ight every couple of weeks or so? Then you and DH can get some good mucky DVDs and pizza and beer and have a good dirty night - maybe a bonk on the sofa or something...
(For sexy DVDS I recommend either Relish or Harmony, probably Harmony to watch wth a partner but not Doll Theatre and &definitely not Foxy&Badger.)

There are so many posts here, in particular today, saying "sex, I don't want it, how can I change that".

Please, if you don't want sex, if you are not interested in sex, just tell your DH, and he eventually accept it, and your relationship will be so much simpler.

It's just nice to know there are other people in the same position out there! And no, I don't think many dhs would 'eventually accept it'.

I agree, Drifter, there aren't many DHs who would eventually accept it. I also think that there aren't many women who would be happy never having sex again (although I appreciate that there are some.) I think that having a baby makes it difficult on so many levels - lack of sleep, altered body image, body not feeling your own if BF, tenderness/pain, getting used to a new 'role' the list goes on. I am currently experiencing some, if not all, of them and am looking forward to conquering them and getting my libido back good and proper (instead of the poor excuse for a libido I have at the moment!)

It does get better, doesn't it??

I don't want my DH to accept it and i don't want not to want to have sex.
What I want is to fix whatever is wrong with me so I enjoy sex again!

We are talking about rtying to make more time for us, GPs are a 2 1/2 hr drive away but we might be able to do once every couple of months, and maybe have Nanny/Uncle stop over a few times so we could go to a hotel.

Getting a night or two away with your DH will probably help - it will give you both something to look forward to.
On another level, you're undeoubtedly stressed with having a sick kid to look after - are you getting a healthy, balanced diet yourself? Sounds basic, I know, but missed meals and junk food can slow your libido down like it can slow down your imagination, concentration, enthusiasm for life, etc.
Good luck. It will get better.