He doesn't actually like me does he?

[MagicSocks]

I've been texting someone for about three months who I 'met' online but haven't met him yet in person because my circumstances make it difficult (I separated from my partner earlier this year but for financial reasons haven't been able to move out yet). He says he's happy to wait. I really like him as far as it's possible to tell without having seen him in person but I feel he's been giving me mixed signals.

He's very sporadic about getting in touch - I would say it's about once a week, which is fair enough as we're not able to meet in person yet, but if I do text him I get a rather perfunctory message back maybe a day later. I asked him about this and he said it was because he's just started a new job and is doing very long (70 hour) weeks. I'm still not convinced it's that hard to send a pleasant message back though, it's not like I'm constantly messaging him.

Anyway we've strayed into sexting territory which I know is silly, but I am feeling a bit miffed as I messaged him on Wednesday and we had a bit of sexual chat but he kind of cut it short and I haven't heard from him since. So I feel a bit stupid really. He was off work last week so the long hours excuse doesn't work, and he may have actually been busy when I texted but I thought he'd get back to me later the same day and I'm actually offended he hasn't bothered to get in touch since. Is this normal dating behaviour? My judgment is a bit clouded because of the fact we haven't met up, I don't feel I should have any expectations but on the other hand this feels a bit rude, or at least definitely as if he doesn't like me that much. Should I just move on? Or should I not be taking it so seriously at this stage?

Well, since it's now been a week since I heard from him I can't help thinking he's trying to let me know he's not that interested beyond sex. That's what you do isn't it? Just keep the contact spaced out and not too 'real'. Regardless of not meeting yet, he has said he understood my situation and liked me a lot, and yet he's left me feeling stupid after last Wednesday. I wouldn't mind that much if it was casual chitchat but because it was sexual in nature it feels like quite a humiliating way to be treated - just a sudden dropping of the conversation and nothing since. I'm struggling to see how that's me being oversensitive actually.

Move on OP. He's not using you for sex, you've not met him.
Live your life in the real world & meet someone, who wants to actually see you. Forget him

Honestly, this is a bit cray cray, I'm sorry, the mans been texting uou for three months, you've never even met him, because you've chosen not to, how can you possibly think he was only using you or interested in sex?

In fact it seems the opposite, he didn't want to sext a woman he hadn't met and was showing no inclination of wishing to meet him any time soon.

I'm sorry, but the bad here is yours, how can you expect a stranger to be at your beck and call for this long? I'm sure he does understand, but there is a limit.

Either meet him or move on.

HIJNTIY.

Just move on.

what does HIJNTIY mean?

I know it sounds, and is, a bit crazy. I struggle a lot with these things, I just don't know how to interpret his behaviour outside of this though. He's very private, doesn't really tell me anything much about himself. Facebook snooping aside I wonder if he is married? There's no sign of it on his profile but it's not really a very 'personal' profile, just a handful of photos and very basic information, and sharing things like music stuff and articles. He has two children and has told me he is separated, but he never says anything about his personal or day to day life really. I'm such an idiot, I don't know why I'm so hung up on him. He's really creative and interesting in a way I wish I was but somehow never had the confidence to pursue, I think it's fuelled a rather unrealistic crush.

He is just not that into you.

You're not an idiot OP. You've just set yourself a low expectation of what you can get from a relationship. Don't use FB as any form of barometer either.
You can learn from this & move forward, to much better things

Thanks. I just feel as if I've failed somehow, and if I'd been different things would have developed a lot more. He's the sort of person I could have been with if I'd reached my potential I think, rather than the kind of person I can realistically be with now I've turned into such a boring person. I used to like music and books and writing and all the stuff he does, now I haven't played my instrument for years, barely have time or energy to read, little to no social or cultural life really and I just look at someone like him and it fills me with regret. Sorry to take this on a bizarre tangent.

Right well here's this pop-psych answer to why you're fretting over him so much when actually it's been pretty limited in scope between you - it's not him as a person, it's what he represents to you. Good news is, you don't actually need him at all, what you do need is to get back to being that version of yourself you like. And you can do that. Start putting aside some time and energy towards reading, playing your instrument etc. You will feel a lot better.

You're not an idiot OP but you've made the common OLD error of getting emotionally invested in someone before you've even met. When you're in the right place to invest time properly in OLD do it differently- meet someone within a week - maximum 2 - of first messaging to see if there is potential.

In the meantime it sounds as if you need to invest sometime in yourself - rediscover your past hobbies and spend time doing the things that you once used to enjoy. This should help you with your confidence too

If I were you I'd move on from this man. It doesn't sound as if he was using you for sex seeing as you didn't even meet let alone have sex but I imagine his patience wore a bit thin messaging someone for 3 months with no date. My patience would have.

Is it your lack of confidence about your appearance that's stopping you from meeting him, MagicSocks? That's the only thing that I can think of because if you are waiting to somehow lose weight or make some other kind of time-based change before meeting him then you never will.

I think that this is the most likely reason why you won't meet him because you've been doing the friendship and chit-chat - and sexting bit. Of course he's going to want to meet you but if you put it off then he's going to think that perhaps you're a bit disingenuous and is cutting his loss. Of course, he doesn't know that you're eating your heart out because you physically can't meet him just now.

I could be wrong but I don't think I am. This really sounds like lack of self-confidence because of the way you look. There's no easy fix to that because it's how you feel and, if you could meet him, you would. You'd find a way to make it happen if it were just shyness or being scared... this is bigger than that, I think, and if I'm right then no, don't meet up because if he doesn't like you in person then that will really damage your self-esteem.

I would stay off online dating until you feel happy and confident in yourself so that you're 'good to go' if you start chatting to somebody nice - within a reasonable timeframe, ie. a couple of weeks.

Drop him. If you've not met up after 3 months yet he's still around for s/texting, he could well have a partner and is stringing you along.
Do you want to take that chance, imagine how you would feel if that turned out to be the case, given how low you're feeling ATM.
Some good advice before about getting your own happiness sorted. Take it.

PS, of course he may well be single, but you do not know that and you want to look after yourself.

Update: I've investigated a bit more. Total online stalking tbh but anyway, it turns out...he's married. As in not separated. Unless he's separated but still wearing his wedding ring for some reason . So I guess my sense that something was off was correct. Really disappointed although I'd kind of started to give up on him anyway, there's got to be a reason someone is that excessively private. I thought it was just because he wasn't sure if he liked me that much so I've been convincing myself I'm not good enough somehow. Turns out being happily married was probably more the reason (although presumably he doesn't like me much either if he's happy to be such a lying tit to me).

Oh dear, have you seen happy pics of him with his wife? If not don't assume he is married.

However as you've never met this man, nor actually really intend to, then I think your behaviour is not quite right here.

You also sound s bit depressed, what's all the nonsense about not reaching your potential? Are you ninety with a terminal illness? If not, then sort yourself out. Get off your backside and do something and stop obsessing over blokes you've never met or chose not to meet.

No, but I've seen a very recently uploaded YouTube video of him playing his guitar with his wedding ring on.

I am a bit down at the moment, I've had a pretty tough year and I've hit some issues to sort out to be honest that need to take precedence over dating anyway. You're right, I'm 30, I've got my life ahead of me, a fresh start, and I shouldn't be moping.

Got, not hit

You can't take anything from that video, does it explain when it was actually videoed? Men wear their wedding rings for a number of reasons, sometimes just taking them off is hard.

And no, you shouldn't be moping and acting daft, get off your arse, arrange to meet him if uou like him, what the hell have you got to lose.

At thirty nonone should be saying they can't reach their potential. We all have tough years, all your doing is wallowing innself pity, shake yourself off, put your big girl pants on and get on with your life.

❤️

Yes, very recent (July) and says it's new songs for the summer. He said he had separated early this year. I really don't think it's anything to do with not wanting to take it off, and anyway if he hasn't done that then he's no more ready to date than I am. It's all a bit ridiculous. We both are. At least I'm not lying to abyone though.

Otherwise I take your point about the other stuff

I asked him about it, he just said again that he was separated and offered no further details. I know this is stupid but I feel a bit sick, unless the separation is far more recent than he said I'm definitively sure he's lying to me. It just feels horrible . I feel I want to believe him but it's just so blatant now that I think about the signs. But there is a small chance he's not lying and if I ask him anymore about it I'm just going to look nosy and paranoid.

I'm not really understanding why you're still pursuing him.. you're not able to meet him, you think he's married, he doesn't seem particularly interested (sorry). Why not just let this one go, work on your self esteem/get your life back towards where you want it and then go back to dating when you're able to meet up?

The way you're talking about him makes him sound like your boyfriend but you haven't actually even met him. I think I'd be moving on if I were you.

You'll find somebody when the time is right.

MagicSocks I've been where you are. Was introduced to someone via social media and we didn't meet for months, just skyped and whatsapped.

I became overinvested very quickly (actually cried when he went away on holday ) He was happy to keep chatting, we met just 5 times in 8 months. He broke up with me twice in that time, only to come back each time (with no prompting from me). He told me he loved me, talked about marriage and told his family about me. The third break up was the final break up with no reason.

With hindsight I see that he was an utter arse, that I not only wasted those 8 months but an additional year obsessing about him and why he broke up with me.

Don't make the mistake I did.

I then met a man through OLD, we met within a week of talking and met regularly after that and spent alot of time together. It was much more real. Because of my first experience, I thought it was strange he wanted to meet so quickly. But he was right and we are now married!