Would this irritate you / be a red flag?

[HoursOfFun]

Due to having been in an EA dysfunction relationship before I sometimes doubt my judgement so would be grateful for advice.

Been seeing someone for a few months. For various reasons (partly distance) we don't see each other that often - sometimes once a week, sometimes less. When we do it's great.

We chat a lot online.

He is very warm and loving but.......I feel wary and a few times I've nearly just ended it - because I feel really worried about getting hurt (after hell of last EA relationship) but also because sometimes I feel my instincts are telling me to.

A couple of times he has let me down about arrangements which has put me on red alert. - tho he was very sorry and gave explanations about family illness that rang true so I gave benefit of the doubt.

But anyway today, this again leaves me wondering if I am just hyper sensitive or if there is something else.

As I said , we chat a lot during the day online, usually. Then this morning I sent him a normal message along the lines of 'how's everything, what's happening with you?'

No reply for hours and hours (which is unusual) though could see he was on messaging site talking to others.
Eventually just now, this eve, I get message, not answering my mesage or saying 'sorry so long to answer' etc but just saying
'I'm a bit tipsy (he doesn't drink much usually) I adore you, you're so gorgeous xx'

Now I suppose in a way that's nice? Is it? Or is it annoying? Why do I feel pissed off and why are my instincts being sent into red alert? I mean, I don't feel like answering him. I sort of feel like I did when he let me down last minute. Am I over reacting? Thanks for advice.

I don't think it's a case of wanting men "begging for your attention" (that indicates someone desperate and clingy which you don't want either).

You ideally want to keep things a bit low key in terms of contact at this stage or you rusk turning into "text to pass the time when bored but don't really like each other IRL buddies".

I agree with pp's, I think he's losing interest (or never was that into you in the first place)

The important thing to do now is scale back contact yourself (in a low key way - you're busy with work rifht) and see what steps he takes towards tangible meeting IRL.

Don't burn bridges but I'd start looking at other options and building up your personal confidence outside of the (often weird and intense) dating world.

This isn't a relationship. Technology being the main form of contact, amounts to lazy, basic communication from a man either isn't particularly that interested in you, or has another woman/women on the go. So spending time with you isn't important. I never understand why constant text messages are deemed a sign of endearment when you don't see the man's face from that day to the next.

He can have multiple conversations, send a message in seconds, and you would never know. You don't know, because you don't spend time with him. He makes sure he stays in your mind tho, via messaging you and knowing you are waiting for his messages, thinking of him in between messages.

Know your worth and cut him out of your life. If man wants to be with you then he will get off his arse and be with you full stop. You will see him spend time with him go out with him, thats what courtship is. He won't be sat wherever he is constantly tapping out messages on a phone.

You'd be able to be your real self, hopefully not getting into some of that bewildering stuff that is sometimes advised ie playing it cool, backing off, not telling you him you want to see him in case, you know, you come across too strong and horror of horrors, frighten a man off . You're both grown up people no need for gameplaying and you can't choose someone else's reaction anyway.

& you chat a lot in the day? Where is he in the evenings, and do you see him weekends? It doesn't sound as if you do. In your shoes there's no way Id think of this as a relationship nor would I put all my eggs in 1 basket

You know that little voice in the pit of your stomach that nags away and says "woah". It's worth listening too. Knows far more than it lets on.

I think he is acting like someone would if they were feeling a bit stifled, but is worried about sauing so. If i am one train of social or work interactions and someone from a different part of my social life contacts i often leave that comtact to later, just so i can give the right bit of me to it iyswim. Silence by text cant always be attributed to a deliberate silence. The worry i would have is that you are asking his thoughts to be always on you otherwise you infer or more accuratelt look for negatives which is going to exhaust you!

Yes thanks everyone - good advice.

When we first met I was so scarred from precious relationship that I was ultra careful. I didn't respond to his messages unless he tried two or three times. It was the same with meeting . He said he thought I wasn't interested - I was but I was petrified. I also took the sexual stuff really, really slowly.

Last time I saw him he said he was worried about being 'took keen' and putting me 'in an awkward position'.

If I don't contact him, he 8/10 times initiates contact.

So I do think this situation is partly to do with my own issues. I just cannot trust any of it.

But I do think posters who say there is too much OL contact are right. I think in some ways I have been treating it as a 'comfort zone'.
Also I think I don't know him well enough to know if he plays games - I suspect, a bit.

Tbh I don't care if he is seeing other people at this stage - we haven't had 'the conversation' about that. When we see each other he couldn't be lovelier or warmer.

Also at the beginning, when I was very doubtful and we met a couple of times platonically he said 'I just want you in my life in any way, if it stays platonic so be it'.

I met him 7montgs ago - I know it sounds like less from my descriptions. We meet usually one day or evening a week. We went away for a long weekend and it was bliss (a couple of months ago).

But I can't trust it. And maybe it's not meant to be. Also I can't tell him how I feel. I just can't do it. So it's a bit f*cked really.
Thanks for all the replies.

Also sorry - not meaning to drip feed - certain things only get clearer to me or memories only come up as I write them down.

Hours, I wrote nearly the exact same post as yours a couple of months ago.

Have been in an abuse relationship in the past and so I'm always in the look out for red flags in any new relationship.

I was dating a guy who I had that uncomfortable feeling about. I couldn't quite articulate what was making me feel like that about him and I was concerned my subconscious was picking up on abusive traits.

He cancelled a lot last minute, didn't answer his phone when I called, didn't text back for hours and hours but when we were together he was so great, telling me everything I wanted to hear.

Turns out that feeling was knowing deep down he wasn't ever going to be a good partner in the long run (of course me being totally messed up when it comes to men it made me desire him all the more). He was lazy, selfish and assumed he had 'got me' because we had slept together.

I dumped him in the end as I couldn't be bothered with his games anymore. It does drive you crazy after a while and I think any man you have to analyse to that extent just isn't right for you.

I'm dating someone new now and he's reliable, consistent and has made his feelings for me very clear from the start. The problem is I don't fancy him at all as I mistake that arsehole feeling with attraction. Be careful that's not what's happening with you and this new man.

Ok this can make things a bit different with the new disclosures. It's not healthy or sustainable for him to be relentlessly pursuing you to make you feel secure. I can see why his latest behaviour does make you insecure but I think that your communication is obviously not ideal in the first place.
He doesn't want to pressure you but knows he has to put the work in. I think you need to have this honest chat now about 'where things are going' and establish some groundwork here of what you both would like. It's been 7 months. So that might be more face to face contact now