I am in a very dysfunctional relationship (we are not married) with a man who is self destructive and in many ways; slowly destroying me.
Everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong (I don't want to bore you). I have no more excuses for his behaviours and am now three months pregnant with a very much unplanned child. A miracle, as we have had very little sex in the last year (twice under the influence of lots of alcohol), we are both a bit older and I had lots of gynae issues.
I have very little resource left from when I met him, I am unemployed and have a badly injured back. I am quite vulnerable and am increasingly being spoken to badly by him because of his frustrations (and his own depression). The venom with which he speaks to me now (as he really and truthfully didn't want the child), is destroying me. He says he loves me. Says he will change, that he says things he doesn't mean in the heat of the moment - but he doesn't. His faux calm lasts 36 - 48 hours and the resentment and the vicious snide remarks begin again.
He says he's accepted the child and even tries to feign some sort of excitement, but his commitment and interest in it is not really there. I can feel it. Actions speak louder than words and there are very few. Just HIS tiredness, HIS needs, HIS annoyance, HIS stress. HIS fear for the future (about having to be responsible - emotionally and financially), HIS need for cuddles and reassurance - when I can barely walk and have all the symptoms early pregnancy can throw at you. He gives little to me - it is all about him.
Now I am pregnant, I can feel his resentment of me. It's palpable.
I am increasingly being belittled and disregarded and this is escalating in ferocity. As of yet, it has not become violent and has been curtailed to stomping around, slamming doors, calling me unpleasant names.
As I type this I am in floods of tears as I know this can't go on - for my sake and for the sake of the little one I'm carrying. The atmosphere is toxic and I have absolutely no self esteem or confidence left. I have given the relationship my all, but how can I realistically stay with a man I really did love (on his good days which are very few and far between unless there's a jolly amount of alcohol involved), but who in all truth, is a Manchild? Who puts his needs before all others and resents me for refusing to abort our miracle child and for having a bad back and for, well, everything?
I am the focus for his vitriol (I often say I am the 'dog he likes to kick') and the salve for his tortured soul at the same time. It is a hideous position to be in.
I have no family with which to turn, my friends are disparate and I am so critically depressed, I wish I'd left him when the relationship was formerly on the rocks, rather than trying to be the eternal optimist, hanging on in there and then subsequently getting pregnant. Although now I am, I so want to experience a little joy. A little shred of excitement over the baby. However, I am being denied this. He is robbing me of it and I know will only continue to do so throughout the whole pregnancy and beyond. Any dreams I had have been well and truly shattered.
Consequently, I would very much appreciate any advice.
Is it best to get out now before the child is born? I'll have to approach the government for housing assistance, etc. But is it better to do that to reduce the stress long term? How would I deal with parental rights? Should I even put him on the birth certificate to exonerate him of his responsibilities? I just don't know what to do.
Anyone got any ideas/experience in this? Because right now, I'm truly frightened and scared for the future and very very lonely.
Your help would be greatly appreciated and sorry for the incoherent rambling.
x