To have or not to have another baby

[sister]

I have two children who are very close in age and are both under 4 but are now at the age where they are out of nappies and they are easy to look after.
I would really like another child but my DH is 100% against the idea. I really enjoyed being pregnant and the baby stage of my children and would love to go through the experience again. I am over 35 so my time is running out to persuade DH that it would be a good idea. It's even gone through my mind to start forgetting to take the pill. DH says that it would be completely impractical as our car only fits four passangers and our house is a three bed. He also says we can't afford it (we pay out £600 on nursery fees at the moment but this wont be for much longer). Has anyone got any ideas how I could persuade DH that another baby would be a good thing. Maybe refusing sex isn't the answer!! Do any of you think I'm being unreasonable? Maybe I should be happy with my lot and get on with it?

Perhaps your DH is happier now that your kids are easier to look after and finds the thought of going back to nappies less than appealing? Also he may be looking forward to the extra cash when the nursery fees don't have to paid any more. Please don't stop taking the pill, imagine if the situation was reversed and he tricked you into getting pregnant! In the mean time keep talking, would probably help if you had practical solutions to his objections, such as kids sharing a bedroom. At the end of the day if he really can't tolerate the idea start thinking of all the good things about stopping at 2.

How old are your 2? Maybe once they start school you could persuade dh? I know what he means about the car issue, that has crossed my mind when thinking about the possibility of 3 children, although I admit that seems silly, doesnt it? I mean, plenty of people seem to manage it somehow! I am expecting my second in Oct when I will be 36, but havent completely ruled out having another, how old are you? I have a mental line drawn at 39 that I am not anxious to cross, although my mum had one at 24, 28, 39 and 44!

Enid, I have just turned 36. His main objection is that DH says it would be unfair on the children we have got already. I'm not really sure what he means by that but I find it very difficult to talk to him about it as he gets angry. I don't he was against the baby stage as he rarely ever changed nappies anyway, and I was the one who got up in the night.

What is his relationship like with his own brothers and sisters? Sounds like this is an emotional time for him - perhaps he's just not ready yet. Maybe you should leave it a little while without mentioning it...what do you think would happen then?

Does your DH come from a big family? Does he feel he missed out on things as a child because money was tight? Maybe he feels that it will be too much of a strain to have another if you're both working long hours? Have to admit that DH and I both have days when we just want to collapse when we get home and running round after 3 kids is a struggle!

angharad,enid, He only has one brother and I don;t think they have ever been close. From what DH says he feels he did miss out a lot when he was little. I only work part time and so I now feel I have the energy to try for another!

I get the impression that because his brother has got two children he wanted two children as well. We met in our thirties got married and had our family very quickly. At the time he was really keen to have a family. I feel as though I would like to try for another child and that this time it would all be so much more relaxed and even more enjoyable. After we got married I didn't get pregnant for quite a while and got so worked up about it I even got DH running down to the hospital with a tube of sperm to be checked!!!
I know we could afford it if we both wanted another child and I think it would be a positive thing for my ds and dd to have another brother or sister. Maybe I'm being selfish??

I don't think you're being selfish and I do feel for you, I don't know what else to suggest,esp as you say your DH is hard to talk to about this. Could you go out and talk, he won't be able to get angry in a restaurant/pub, even if he does after!

Thank you angharad and Enid for your help. If I feel brave tonight I'm going to bring up the subject again and I'll let you know how I get on. Maybe I should ask him if we can have another baby when the World cup is on , hopefully he'll say 'yes' without listening to the question!

I missed this at the end ....

Sister

Good luck and be gentle with him.

I know if dw suddenly started wanting to have No3 and came at it like a raging bull I'd go through the roof (No2 is still to come so that is enough for me).

Thank you SimonHoward. Very difficult to remain gentle when it is something you really desire but I promise to try my best!

At least you have already had your 2nd, my dw wants her 2nd soon and I'm not sure that I'm going to be ready for it.

Hopefully if it is really what you want your dh will see this and find a way to work it out with you.

I would recommend waiting until your children are in school so you at least wont have the child care fees and a little less stress. That can be very draining of your wallet. I understand both of your reasons for wanting and not wanting another child. I dont think your being unreasonable. Maybe the time is not right financially to your husband. I really feel you should wait till your not putting out so much money for the two you already have. I know when it comes to the finances having another child can be pretty scary if its not the best time.

SimonHoward, Go for it! I found out I was pregnant with 2nd when ds was 6 months old. This meant that I feel a bit cheated as I couldn't enjoy the baby stage with a gap inbetween. Because they are so close they are good friends and play together really well now. I'd say having them close is really nice although hard work at the time. You always find a way to cope how ever many children you have don't you?? With in reason

You do cope, but I think if we are going to have more than 2 I'll get some advice from a guy I know who's dw is currently expecting No 10.

Threeangels

Having one is enough of a drain, how my parents managed with 3 of us and my father having very poorly paid work for most of it I will never know.

Sister - please don't think I am being harsh but I think it is a really, really bad idea to try & persuade someone to have another baby if they don't want to. Had you discussed children/how many before your married?

I was always adamant that I did not want children & made this very clear to my DH before we married - he agreed with me - however, in our 40s & after 12 years of marriage he was very keen to have a baby & I allowed myself to be persuaded. However, I was adamant that I would NEVER have another - he did get quite keen to have another one some months ago (at our age we would have had to be pretty quick!) but I stood my ground & now DH says it was right to just have the one.

I know every situation is different - but every child deserves to be very much wanted by both parents.

Anwyay, you could leave it a few more years - I had my DS just six weeks short of my 43rd birthday!

Good luck, whatever you do.

I can only add my own experience as a mum of 4 (aged 10, 5, 3 and 1). Imo the biggest and most drastic change is having your first, as the whole world has to change to look after this little pink scaarp in your life, but going from one to two didn't seem to bother me that much. Going from 2 to 3 though is another matter. It becomes army manoeuvres every time we want to go out! Everything takes so much longer and definitely was a lot harder, food bills grew disproportionately I found, cars felt smaller and so does the house! From 3 to 4 is probably the hardest to deal with in terms of cars, because it means an upgrade to a bigger more gas guzzling type, but after having 3, for some reason feeding and coping with 4 seemed fairly easy in the practical sense( although we now have to do shopping as a duo because we need 2 trolleys!). The hardest part of having a lot of children is the lack of time to myself, and that when I do get it I am too tired to do anything but lie semicomatose on the sofa!This is despite the fact that dh is around a lot to give a hand. It's always noisy, always messy,there is always one of them complaining about another one, so there never seems to be any real peace. On the plus side my children are all very close, it's lovely watching them when they do finally sit down and get on, mealtimes can be amusing listening to their days, and watching their faces at times like Christmas is magical. I like to think that as I get older they will have grandchildren and how lovely it will be then when we all have get togethers. So although i only ever saw myself with two children I wouldn't change my life with them, but it is very very hard work!

Thanks for the advice. Last night was definately not the time to bring the subject up with DH as DD decided it would be a good idea to rip her border off in her bedroom! I would never have another child if DH was against the idea but it is still something on my mind

hi, Sister.
I'm new to this site and a 'Virgin Poster' but was very interested in your situation. When my husband and I met 14 years ago (ouch!), we both wanted a big family. After a few years of marriage I became pregnant and we had our son and after a year or so. I was quite keen to have another baby. My husband, however, was dead against it, which upset me greatly. We had enormous relationship problems after our son was born, to the point where we almost decided to separate. I think these were caused partly by the total shock and change in lifestyle all parents experience after suddenly becoming totally responsible for another human being, and the fact that he went through a bit of a mid-life (at 30!)crisis. Anyway, I did become pregnant again and our daughter is 2 years younger than her brother BUT it was very hard in the beginning. I have always assumed complete responsibility for the home and the children, despite, in the early days, working full time myself, so I didn't really get a break and was exhausted a lot of the time. Also, if we had a row (and there were lots!) about the kids, my husband's ultimate argument was always "well you are the one who wanted more children" : true, but still hard to take!
Things gradually improved and my husband loves the kids to bits and as they grew a bit older, began to get more involved with them. Then, after 3 years, I began to yearn for another baby. At first, he said no, even though he acknowledged that he has none of the physical stuff to do (broken nights, nappies etc) and then, after much persuasion, he said he would be prepared to consider it later in the year, and when baby number 3 came along late last year, he was surpisingly delighted. I don't know if its just to do with maturity or the fact that he is much happier in himself after changing jobs, or the fact that our relationship is so much better these days, but he loves the baby to bits and is much more involved with him (tho. still not getting up though night etc.) than he was with the other 2 when they were little. I have to admit though, it was a pretty big risk to take and whenever I mention that a fourth might not be out of the question in a few years, he changes the subject pretty swiftly!!

Good luck Sister, and I do not think you are selfish for wanting more kids, just be prepared to live with the consequences.

Good thread to catch up on, I wonder of there was any baby related updates from OP re no.3? 😍