Dp has gone

[nevergoodenough]

I feel broken. I have name changed.

He's just driven off, I don't know where he's gone nor do I know what to tell our 2 dc in the morning. I suppose I'll tell them he's at work.

It's porn related. Please don't anyone come here and tell me I am over reacting as that is the last thing I need right now. Porn has been a thorn in our relationship for years. It has caused problems in our sex life and at times has caused me to feel useless, unattractive, resentful and him to be secretive and dishonest. Tonight I had had enough.

I tried to initiate sex/foreplay earlier tonight. He said no, he was too tired. I thought it was a little odd as we have been at his parents for the weekend and hadn't had any 'us time' so I thought he'd be pretty up for it but at the same time we have had a busy weekend so I understood. I was a little hurt but I didn't let on. I have low self esteem/confidence, but I have been working on it lately, seems like wasted effort now though.

He went to bed shortly after. I felt like he was hiding something so rightly or wrongly, I checked his phone and discovered that he had watched porn earlier in the morning (whilst we were still at his parents house) so that would explain why he wasn't interested in anything tonight. I started crying and shaking which woke him up and then he saw what I had found. He asked me if I wanted him to go and I told him to fuck off so he started packing a bag and off he went.

I feel so hurt. I dislike porn for many reasons but the fact that he uses it instead of coming to me, making our sex life suffer, making me feel second best, especially when I have been making more of an effort lately despite all my hang ups, hurts the most.

My mental health has suffered so much over the years and this is part of the reason why. Every time this comes up he promises he will stop, but eventually I find out he's been doing it again and it's just the same old shit over and over. I can't carry on like this.

I don't really know why I'm posting, it's the middle of the night and I don't have anyone in RL who I feel comfortable discussing this with. I don't know what's next for us. I love him but I'm hurting. I'm sorry if I don't reply but just posting this has been cathartic and has allowed me to calm down somewhat, so thanks to anyone who has read this far.

Relate can help as it's affecting your relationship, or try www.atsac.co.uk

I was upset and angry, we all say things when we are upset. I don't see what was wrong with saying he had driven off, that's what he did. Whether I told him to or not is irrelevant. Looking through his phone wasn't my finest moment I admit but it has opened the doors on wider issues within our relationship so in the grand scheme of things checking his phone isn't the issue.

I don't find your advice helpful really but thanks anyway.

Of course you don't, you clearly just want the thread to be one way.

Carry on.

I think you are spot on to not put up with this. It sounds to me like you have just had enough, so people should not judge you for your anger when it sounds like you've he already knows your feelings about this issue.
He is clearly already breaking the boundaries of trust in your relationship in my opinion and if not taken to task over this when he knows its not OK with you, how far will he let his boundaries slip?
He has to sort this out with you and maybe counselling will help him understand the damage he's causing in your relationship.

Not at all Sherlock

But clearly some people don't see an issue with their partners choosing to use porn over having a healthy and active sex life. That's up to them but I would rather not live like that and I'm grateful for the advice I've received informing me on how to go about changing things.

I agree that the wording of the title wasn't the best though. Forgive me as I was in bits at the time and not thinking straight.

OP, it sounds like you're having s horrible time of it. On a personal level I wouldn't accept pornography being a part of a partners life either.

I think for now I'd be saying prove you want help by going and finding it yourself - I'm not doing it for you.

Oh and forget the pooper poster - it's obviously hallucinating.

I agree that the wording of the title wasn't the best though. Forgive me as I was in bits at the time and not thinking straight.

Don't apologise, OP. Sherlock is obviously not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Plenty of women are OK with porn + intimacy in their relationship. Doesn't mean they'd be OK with porn instead of intimacy. You're not controlling for maintaining your own boundaries.

I hope he pulls his head out and realises what he's about to lose.

I'm a little mixed on this I mean if he was going to masturbate anyway not watching porn won't help, he'd have still masturbated and the result would have been the same.

We don't know if the DH tries to initiate and gets spurned generally so perhaps this time didn't try, and I don't think you can dictate if someone masturbates. Would posters be supportive if an OP said her husband is trying to stop her masturbating so he can have sex? I don't think so.

But on the other hand for many physical intimacy is a very important part of a relationship, and if he masturbates so much that their isn't any it's a problem. He needs to decide to stop or at least try to initiate with OP, but then OP has to similarly be prepared that if he tries to initiate and she doesn't feel in the mood, he may masturbate and not be in the mood later if she is, it's a balancing act of getting in sync with eachother and I hope they can work it out and he gets help and both he and OP can be happy!

Obviously if you have other issues with porn apart from that he masturbates and then isn't in the mood it's a whole other level and a real incompatibility there in thinking which is an issue in a marriage to varying degrees and if you feel strongly then that's how you feel and for it to work he will have to change as its unlikely you will and you shouldn't have to it's not like a disagreement about ketchup being in the fridge or cupboard . if he has an issue, he may find hard to overcome so it could be a long road ahead

No, I'm not down with porn either for a lot of reasons and it would not be okay with me either.

I believe, as a lot of people do, that it's actually damaging. It's not controlling. You're not saying he can't masturbate.

He knows that this hurts you and he's choosing to do it anyway.

Best of luck OP. I'm sorry.

It sounds like you both have issues, I would be careful with all of the sort of ordering him around. I wouldn't put up with that for very long.

CheerfulYank just to be clear as your post was right after mine, I didn't say she is: i said if it was about him not being in the mood, he may well have masturbated without porn therefore If the lack of intimacy is the issue then it would be the same outcome thus porn may not be the issue in itself a contributing factor sure. Then I said if he was to masturbate without porn then I don't think you could stop him, but perhaps more communication could lead to more intimacy say if he tried to initiate instead.

My second post then covered about it not being madturbation but actual porn usage

How does one seek help for a porn addiction? Would the GP be his first port of call? I have no idea.

One doesn't seek help. One is a grown man and just stops looking at it!

I have to say I am not comfortable with the idea of demanding someone not look at porn, but if that's your deal breaker then the choice is his. If he feels you are being unreasonable then he can stay away.

OP, all this is horrible for you.

The 'thinner, younger' thing . The majority of these women will be poorer, more desperate and more trapped than you.

Get him to go and see I Daniel Blake : it might help him to see the women behind the porn-posing fantasy.

Thanks everyone. He did come home in the end and slept on the sofa. I am very tired. But the show must go on for the dc.

I forgot to mention in the op that the other reason I was upset is because we had ear marked Sunday night for us time as we knew we wouldn't get chance whilst we were away over the weekend. So to then find out that the real reason he wasn't up for it was because he'd managed to find the time to watch porn earlier in the day stung even more as we had specifically set time aside for us

TheStoic

Ah that old chestnut, insult someone's intelligence because they happen to share a different view. Oh so very grown up.

It doesn't really matter what anyone else finds acceptable in terms of porn use in their relationship.

You made yourself very clear OP, and regardless of whether anyone thinks you're controlling or whatever, you were clear with your partner about your feelings on this.

At that point, the first time this issue was raised, he had the choice to either accept that you didn't want him to watch porn and use it as a substitute for a sex life with you and continue in the relationship OR watch it and wank until his knob drops off knowing that if and when you found out you'd be hurt, angry, and it would damage your self esteem.

He had that same choice the second, third, fourth time, after seeing how devastated you were and how it's affecting your mental health.

He chose porn, every single time, and I'm sorry, but you made it so easy for him every single time.

I really hope this is the final straw for you but I fear you'll just fall into the same pattern again because he's back home now, on the sofa for a night or two, making all the right noises about getting help, blah blah.

Why should he believe you this time that this really is it, his last chance?

If youre not happy, end the relationship. Its your responsibility now as clearly your partner likes porn and that isnt going to chamge and he's not in the minority.

The sooner porn is banned, the better. Future generations will look upon on it like fucking psychological syphilis.

I feel for you OP, not s nice situation. You've made plans, got excited and been let down. You don't sound unreasonable and had he been unwell or genuinely tired then I'm sure you would've been fine. But you justifiably are upset that he sorted himself out whilst you were probably deal with the children etc? Then when it gets to time together he's no longer wanting it?

I'm not anti porn myself, but I am anti that sort of selfish behaviour, which leads to you feeling second best and upset.

One thing I have noticed on this thread is that all the very pro porn posters come across very aggressive, condescending and defensive. It's like no one is allowed to have a view that's different to theirs?

FWIW I think you will sort this out, but only if he works hard at it!

Good luck OP