Help, I just completely lost my shit and now feel awful

[camberwellred]

Hi there, I am struggling with a heavy bout of PMT and the red mist is clouding my judgement over both mine and my DP's behaviour. Please help!

My DP and I had a brief argument on Friday eve, I shared a past trauma with him, which I had brought up before, it took a lot of courage to discuss it, I quickly felt very uncomfortable and shut down the conversation by saying I didn't want to talk about it in detail , he scted v put out and I got really angry as I didn't think it was a) empathetic or b) supportive and due to the trauma happening to me I didn't see why it was for me to make him feel better?! ISometimes I feel as a woman everything is so bloody rigged for us to have this incredible capacity for taking shit and still making people feel better and I am clearly running low with this super power.

Fast forward a couple of days and his unbelievable appetite for holding a grudge, I'd spent the best part of last week completely cleaning and blitzing the house, we're currently mid-renovation and have been since April so I'm keen to sort before Christmas! since I've been working the weekend it's an utter tip. I'd spent the best part of the morning cleaning but was due to go to work and as he got back from a bike ride (waiting until he'd had coffee, settled in etc etc) I lightly brought up would it be ok to just have a clear up of all the stuff laying about as tomorrow he's away and I have a house full of people coming for Halloween and didn't want to spend my day off with the kids at home cleaning the hangover from the weekend. I'm freelancing so have loads of work to do, plus lots of additional stuff int he house to sort.

I didn't go into that much detail though I simple asked him to please just have a tidy up, nothing else. He immediately got very angry (definitelycarrying on from our previous argument) and shouted at me saying things like it wasn't his mess (we have two children) and thst how dare I accuse him of making such a mess, and a load of other completely unreasonable accusations. I kept my cool and repeated what I was asking, stating I wasn't accusing him of anything, just simply please could he have a bit of a clear up as I'd spent a lot of time sorting everything out. He then went further to criticise my efforts to sort our shit tip of a house out and was shouting at me.

My son piped in (he often does this in an argument which makes me feel awful) taking my DP's side, He has been up since 6 this morning and as I said he wasn't allowed to watch TV or go on his Xbox, he has been anable to engage in anything other than following me around and purposefully trying to irritate me into allowing him to switch on a screen. When he piped in, I brought up the fact that I didn't appreciate his behavious this mornig either. He then shouted I was an idiot and sotrmed off (he's 10yo)

I then completely lost my shit. First at my son for calling me an idiot, then running down to where my DP was, threw the driers with clothes hanging over the TV room, swearing and shouting at my DP how dare he talk to me like that and why is it ok for him to shout at me but I can't shout at him back, I'm only human and can take so much etc etc, I was simply asking to have a clear up.

He then went upstairs with the kids (I have a 5yo daughter and both children were obviously upset which I feel utterly awful about) I apologised to both children and wished them a good day, I also said to my son that I don't appreciate being called an idiot but I wished him a good day and that I love him and sorry for losing my rag, I'm only human and can take so much etc...

My DP then accused me of scaring them, which I responded by thanking him for effectively gaslighting the situation. and how was it acceptable for him to shout at me and take his anger out by twisting my words into a ridiculous argument.

Then I left for work and now I am feeling utterly awful. 1) My children - how have I just behaved, absolutely no control and probably scared the life out of them 2)the whole street has probably heard me so I feel deeply ashamed 3) I know that I've now made it far worse with my DP and due to his ability to hold a grudge we're likely to have an unpleasant few days ahead...

I am so bloody angry, and teary and I've actually scared myself with my temper and feel a bit sick... I v rarely get like this... All I asked was for the bloody house to be tidied up a bit so I didn't have to deal with the fallout and now I'm questioning my mental health and my relationship will be in the bloody pan. Getting any recognition of bad behaviour on my DP's part is like getting blood out of a stone, and whilst I completely lost it and feel awful, I also feel v wronged in his behaviour leading up to it, and the expectation that I should take it and that's completely fine...

Help and advice most appreciated, thank you! And how do I talk to my kids after this blow out?

Aghhhhh.

My ex used to do this all the time.

Some people are so smug, she lost control, which is just that, something you can't control ! Not a choice !
When your husband raises his voice to you or things feel like they may escalate, walk away, leave the room, get in your car, whatever you need to calm it down so this doesn't happen again. When things are ok with your husband tell him that's what you'll be doin, when he acts like a dick you will be removing yourself from the situation. You're only human don't be so hard on yourself.
I'd tell your husband to talk to your son about calling you an idiot, he's learning shitty behaviour from him. Let him try right some wrongs

Thanks for the supportive posts.

I think I'm figuring out what to do. I've emailed my DP apologising but also stating that I don't want my behaviour to overwrite events leading up to this.

I do feel wronged and whilst I've apologised I've also asked for him to acknowledge his wrongs. I have little hopes that he will within a reasonable time frame.

I'm going to chat to the kids when we have a quiet time together. I haven't entirely figured out what I'm going to say yet.

I f I don't hear back from my DP then he's ignoring me and I'll choose to stay at work late and catch up on a huge work load, I'm not sure of anything I'm doing as being right but I wonder if going back into the house when there's clearly a lot of tension in the air and he's ignoring me is a good thing for the kids. I also find it utterly torturous. I've apologised and also explained my upset.

I'm going to pour a large glass of wine snd have a fag, then probably feel shittier about myself for doing this and head home. I don't really know what else to do.

I think as well as apologising to your son he needs to be told that calling his mother an idiot and getting involved in a discussion solely between you and your partner is not acceptable on any level. As for your partner, id be looking carefully at what else he does and deciding whether you want to stay with him.

I don't think you should blame yourself. Why are you apologising??! Two big massive flags in your post. 1. Your son felt it was ok to call you an idiot in the midst of an argument between you and your DH. Big massive flag! Children pick up on who holds the power in family dynamics pretty quickly. It says something that A. He felt it was OK to be derogatory to you with his father there. B. He knew dad would be OK with it. C. He pretty much emulated your DH behaviour. The second red flag is that your DP feels it's all fine and dandy to shout at mummy in front of kids. And is teaching his son that daddy doesn't need to help tidy up.

Where is the respect you're due here? I think you don't realise how much you've been undermined, insidiously, over time. You have nothing to apologise for. Your DP however, owes you a massive apology. But I think you need to consider if he has a decent level of respect for you. Good luck.

Op go to the cinema. Make him wonder where u are.
do not go home and do housework whilst walking on eggshells.

I think you need to be unapologetic.

"I think you don't realise how much you've been undermined, insidiously, over time. "

Yes. If you think about transposing this into another situation it might become clearer how wrong things have been allowed to become.

Imagine you were due a telling off at work. Would you expect to be shouted at? (not that your husband is your boss)

Suppose you were having a disagreement at work and one of your team (that you manage) overheard and piled in and called you "an idiot". How would you feel about that?

Suppose you said to a colleague at work at shift change (they're coming on, you're going off), "hey, I've done a, b, and c and I'm off in 10 minutes. Can you do d, e, f?" - you would expect them to say "sure" - or disagree pleasantly - "actually I think I really need to do x, y, z today" - and then you could discuss it. Would you expect them to kick off?

The insidious creeping lack of respect often develops after red flags early in a relationship that don't seem like much at the time, partly because you have no children. Then things build and you accept each little increment of disrespect because "he's so busy" "we're all under so much pressure" etc. And then one day your 10 year old feels able to pile into an argument and call you an idiot.

I remember talking to a 4 year old boy whose dad was a dick who disrespected women. I told him that horses eat grass and vegetables, not meat, as he thought. he (the 4 year old) shook his head in a despairing way, looking over his shoulder at the imaginary audience who could confirm what a fool I was being. I had seen his dad do that to his mum a thousand times when she was disagreeing, was right, and he had no argument, so decided just to shame her with male arrogance. they split up soon after.

Tell the kids that your voice is not heard. Tell the kids you deserve more respect. Tell the kids you wanted kindness.

I think it is important your kids undéstand that you didnt just lose your temper.

You had to explode to be heard. Did it work?
No. Not yet. Make it a catalyst.

Well I'm drinking wine and working. I've had a few texts exchanged from DP

I've stood my ground (again no idea if I'm right or completely damaging kids by not going home, I feel slightly insane tbh) I've said I'm not coming back until he's read my email and I know what I'm walking in to. I've told him to tell the kids I'm working late (which I am) and that I'm fine. He has responded by saying the house is spotless and it's up to me what I walk back in to and that a conversation now is the worst idea as we both know where it will go and that what happened is that he got momentarily frustrated an confused as he couldn't talk to meabout something (post me revealing my trauma) and that's it, that's all.

I replied saying actually it was quite a big deal for me and I'd appreciate a conversation before heading back into unknown waters. He has made it very clear he'll not engage on any level and will tell the children I'm fine.

I have a feeling if I went back it would have been passive aggressive and the best outcome would have been us thinkly papering over matters for the kids but I don't feel that's good enough. I've apologised profuself for losing my shit but actually I feel really wronged by him and I'm unwilling to go on pretending it didn't happen. Also this never works.

Do you think this is right?

Thank you so much for all the words of support it's actually making it a bit more bearable...

You sound very upset. About what has happened and about all the other things you are trying to deal with. I think your dp was wrong to treat you the way he did when discussing the trauma. Ok so losing your temper wasn't the best way to handle things but you sound like you are under a tremendous amount of pressure just now. You have spoken to your children to try and resolve things which is good. When are you next seeing your counsellor? I think it would be worth spending the next session focusing on understanding these events. It may help you cope better if you are feeling a similar way in the future.

My ex always used to pretend things hadn't happened and it was awful. It was like I wasn't allowed to still be angry at some of the cheating awful things he'd done and was suddenly supposed to be 'over it' and trusting again within a couple of weeks cue repeat of cheating. I was constantly feeling invalidated.

I think it's ok to leave the discussion for a day or two but it definitely needs to be had because it sounds like an unhealthy environment.

If you try to break the whole situation down does it help?
On Friday you tried to talk about a traumatic experience you'd previously mentioned, you then closed the conversation down almost instantly-is this the root cause of how you are feeling/acting right now?

I think u r right.
a conversation where you are heard is so long overdue