Extremely angry at ex husbands mother

[Asaroe91]

My son stays with his dad on weekends however he was ill this weekend after having injections so I told my ex husbands mum, who was meant to pick him up, that he wasnt well and that I was keeping him with me. She seemed to totally understand however when she visited today she went back and told my ex husband that I was lying just bcz my son was happy and playing nicely. He didnt seem ill to her im guessing. Hes had a temperature since weds which seems to spike at night so he has sleepless nights. She isnt exactly seeing that. I feel really annoyed that shes come and spied and then allowed my ex husband to send me abusive texts off her phone. Am I wrong to have said she is not welcome anymore? This would then mean that my son will not stay with his dad on the weekends. Not that it helps, 99% of the time he comes back ill and upset.

I send your son and leave them to it.

There are a lot of women who don't think that their exes or exMILs are capable of looking after them. If you think there is serious neglect going on, pursue a court order. Otherwise, send your child to his other parent, ill or otherwise, and let them deal with it. He's never going to know how to look after him when ill if you don't let him.

My exh doesn't look after our children in the way that I would, I don't do things the way he would. I think he's wrong, he thinks I am. I disagree and so does he.

But I'm not the boss or the owner of the children.

Maybe with a bit of practice he will not to do.

It is irritating when mothers (and it's usually mothers) hold their child's other parent to exacting standards, insisting it's their way or no way, in order to limit/restrict contact.

Do you feel that your ex doesn't deserve to spend time with your child?

Or rather that you child doesn't deserve the opportunity to develop a relationship with both parents equally?

What you're describing isn't ideal, but he won't get better at being a parent without practice. I'm sure you don't always get things right or know what to do. Maybe you even defer to asking a friend/relative for advice when you're not sure; someone you feel might have some wisdom to share...

I wouldn't send an ill child, it's not fair to move them when they feel poorly and they just want their home comforts.

But it doesn't sound like your DS was ill really - a reaction to a vaccination and the possibility of running a temperature at night doesn't sound like something his dad and grandma couldn't cope with. I'd have mentioned it, packed calpol and left them to it.

And I certainly wouldn't be mad at mil. What on earth has she done wrong? You withhold contact and then mil sees him playing and looking fine. Of course she's going to mention that to her own son. Wouldn't you, in her shoes?

You need only tell your ex that you made a mistake, over-estimated how poorly he was, or that he bounced back quicker than you expected.

So much angst, bad feeling and unnecessary conflict over something so trivial.

But she went back and called me selfish n sly and I got a load of abusive texts. Even after saying she understood bcz he wasnt well. She should say it to my face instead of going behind my back then maybe id have been able to talk to her about it. I dont allow my ex to come here because he abuses me and calls me nasty names and it upsets my kids.

I understand I should have let them handle it but after a number of times not being able to handle it Ive not exactly got any confidence and I dont want my son to be in that kind of situation where someone isnt going to care for him properly when hes ill. Thats not fair on him to send him somewhere like that.

It's the first you've mentioned of abusive texts. From your ex or mil? How do you know that she told him you were sly and selfish? TBH, in their shoes, I might think that your actions were less than honest too.

Your DS has two parents, and you both have a different outlook and a different way of doing things. You think you parent better than your ex. Your ex probably thinks he parents better than you. Unless your child is in danger or at risk, let your ex try to be a dad. The only way he'll learn to look after a poorly child is by looking after a poorly child.

Your DS deserves a shot at having two involved parents. If he knows he gets a good reaction from telling you every minor thing your ex does wrong, he'll tell you. On some level he'll know you don't like his dad and don't trust him to care for his child properly. Try to talk about your ex positively in front of your DS, and see whether you can't work towards communicating about parenting issues at least.

then allowed my ex husband to send me abusive texts off her phone

it is mentioned in the op. Making a child sick and not caring for a poorly child properly are not differences in parenting and I'm pretty sure learning to take care of a sick child doesn't go on for weeks and doesn't generally involve calling the other parent to come get him.

. We shouldn't assume that the OPs ex and in laws are competent, or ever will be. There are people who are genuinely clueless about looking after children, and need supervision to make sure they don't neglect damage the child. I have seen a granny go to apply nappy cream to a baby's bottom without having wiped it clean first.

Banning mil and therefore making contact as difficult as possible sounds like a big overreaction to me, based on what we've been told.

Sorry missed that ex sent op angry texts from his mum's phone.

Are we talking about one child here or more than one because you refer to children in your later posts? How do you know your ex mil said you were sly and selfish?

We have two children together but nobody but myself and my family cares about our daughter. Our son stays with my ex weekends. Ive discussed and got advice now. I will be getting a seperate number for my mil to contact me on and my mother will be playing mediator as I do not want to see or speak to my ex. He makes me extremely ill with his abuse and also blackmails me and uses the kids as a weapon. I cant handle that sort of communication right now. N it affects my ability to care for my babies. Thanks for the comments.

He has a dd he doesn't see but does see ds
That's bizarre. He sounds unhinged

I think you need professional advice, perhaps woman's aid as he is abusive? Or the health visitor could have someone to suggest?
He is abusive to you and the MIL is facilitating it, plus he neglects his DS, I can totally see why you would be upset and want to protect your DS. I am guessing your DD is very young so that's why she doesn't go at all.

I would not be letting him see either of the children if he doesn't want to see one of them.

Im not the type of person to be horrible like that though. Ive always made sure that theres some sort of contact. When we was speaking I used to video call him so that he could speak with our son. Ive always said his family can come around to see the kids if they want to but they dont. They wait for the weekends to come so that our son is bought to them. Our daughter is 9 weeks and nobody has come to see her other than my mil and her sister whom she doesnt talk to. Ive always stuck to my agreements about weekend contact unless I feel that my son shouldnt go like this weekend and I always get called selfish and have abuse thrown at me. Ive never used my kids as a weapon but they do it to me alll the time and between eachother. When he comes back upset its because he doesnt like arguing and their norm is arguing about something or another everyday.

Oif course you are worried. No doubt you wouldn't send your son repeatedly anywhere else if he was so clearly upset each time. I think exposure to arguments can be harmful and abusive and you suspect the arguments are harming your son. Your Ex can't be trusted to not be abusive to you. Do you worry he's not in control of himself when with your son? I think you need advice too. Women's Aid.

My gs lives with me on a residence order. His paternal grandparents collect him, not his dad because of his unpredictability (violence, offending etc). I always worried if he was ill, but as he has got older they have to realise that this is what they wanted and have to take the rough with the smooth. It isn't always Disney times and that if he is ill then they must accommodate that. In the past they have actually expected me to "give" an extra weekend because gs was ill and they did not want sick etc in their house. I don't put up with this nonsense any more.

I know you are trying to care for your ds, but your ex must take his share of responsibility. Why don't you tell your ex to collect him unless there have been previous issues in this respect as that will remove MIL's influence. I am afraid this is pretty par for the course with contact and I have had much worse snarky comments made. Ignore.

ElsieMc sorry to hear your story. I pretty much have the same story as you other than the residence order. Ive been called alot worse also so being called sly and selfish is nothing. It just annoyed me that I was seen as selfish for trying to put my son 1st. I thought about if I was ill I would want to be in my own home and sleep in my own bed. I understand what everyone says about sharing responsibility. I have calmed down although I am abit annoyed but I am waiting for friday as my health visitor is coming to visit and Im going to see if anyone contacts me in regards to having my son the weekend. No doubt there will be alot of name calling coming my way 1st but I know its coming so Im not going to be suprised at all. Thanks for all the comments.