Trust

[tracy1011]

Hi,

I was feeling very depressed and really wanted to share this with someone..my dh calls up and says how much fun he had in bourbon street till 5 am with his colleagues! He also mentioned that he drank a lot! I may be sounding very silly but with all the drunken people hanging out there..would you let your husband go to Mardigras!? My dh calls up and says that while he was in the bar with his friends, some unknown girl came and asked for beads then she hugged him n kissed him!! How do you think I should REACT!!!!!!

We've been married for 4 years. One thing that I have seen him do in the past 4 years is "lie on small issues" so that I wouldn't get mad at him! For instance, he would go with a lady colleague for lunch and would tell me that he had ordered lunch in his office, despite promising me on not having cigars anymore..he would have cigars with his boss and not tell me about it!! I dont understand the point in doing this! This is one of the reasons I am worried about..he will do something wrong and I may not even know about it He may not even do anything but I cannot trust him for this kind of behaviour. I can't share this with anybody but you.
I am one of those super possessive ones and the moment he told me about this I am really upset and depressed. A feeling of insecurity comes on my mind..I don't want the bad dream to come true. How do I handle this situation?
Please advice

Please help me.

It sounds as though you are putting yourself through a lot of pain and turmoil.

Trust is a lot like forgiveness - you do it for YOU, not someone else. Can you see a way to trust him, for example, letting him just be him - little 'untruths' included? Demanding that he be different from the way he is is bringing YOU hurt - he is fine, evidently and reasonably. I didnt trust my ex either - it was my problem and i grew it and grew it and in the end it was one of the major factors in the breakdown of our marriage.

Trust is for you, respect is for you both. Perhaps you could tell him how you feel without blaming him for your emotions?

Whilst this might be difficult try to keep some perspective. MardiGras is mad and it is traditional for beads to be handed out and kisses given. There is usually nothing in it so don't presume anything has happended as it would be very unlikely.

Having a cigar with his boss - he might have been in a tricky position and would have been hard to say no. I sometimes have lunch with male colleagues and it is always platonic. They often ask advice on their girlfriends, wives or even boyfriends!

Don't torment yourself or worry about the small lies. It's the big ones that matter.

Thank you for taking time to reply to my post. He does not have a good past and he also did few bad stuff while we were getting ready for our marriage..but I did forgive him and I do trust him but when he does these kinda stuff it really hurts.

Ever since he told me that a girl kissed him I am going crazy..call it "possessiveness" but I am just going all nuts and dont know how to talk to him about this.

it's a bit of a catch22 because he's told you about the kiss, he didn't lie. so if you go all balistic / paranoid he's less likely to tell you the truth in future.

only you know whether you can really trust him, but perhaps one way of starting to make him trustworthy is to act like you trust him. so accept what he says and say 'OK, i don't like women hugging and kissing you, but i'm glad you told me about it. i trust you that you didn't take it any further.'

by being suspicious of him, you encourage him to hide things. and if you go over the top when he does confess then he's less likely to confess in the future. ultimately you have to accept him for the way he is. he likes smoking cigars and he doesn't want to stop.

that's what i think anyway.

Thanks, but I have question for you..what would you do if your husband comes and tell you that a girl came to him, asked for beads..then hugged and kissed him?

I would have replied that it sounded like he was having fun!

And acknowledged to myself that he was actually Telling me about it...

What is it that you are most upset about? He cant control the actions of another - ie someone coming up to him and asking him for beads - but he can control his responses - which it sounds like he did?

To be honest with you I always tell him that I acknowledge the fact that he tells me the truth (sometimes) but for how long should I keep consoling myself with this phrase! I am scared to death that one day he will come up and say he did a "bigger thing" I will be shattered.

Frankly I think you need to work on some assertiveness and self-esteem for yourself. There's more to being a valuable and worthwhile person than policing another human being's every thought, burp, fart and footstep and, if you can give yourself something interesting and positive to think about, so you're not spending every waking moment wondering what he's up to, has been up to or might be up to in the future, you'll just feel so much better.

Someone once taught me an acronym for fear - Future Events Appear Real. We cant predict the future, really we cant. We can have a guess, or an informed opinion, but thats all it is.

I am sorry you are feeling so

He told you so that you can trust him, love. Try not to blow it ot of proportion.

Dear Friends,

I feel a lot better after sharing this with you. Couldn't thank you enough for all the support you have given me. Special thanks to 'squidette' for the incredible help.

Thanks,
Tracy

tracy, i'd ask him what his response was, and then if he says he didn't respond i'd make a joke of it and cuddle and kiss him. if he did respond, well, then there's a reason to get pissed off. but not when he's not done anything wrong.