ex husband feeling sorry for himself.

[Fattytwoshoes]

I had my ex husband here today as he came to visit kids, which idon't mind. But he's always sitting there feeling sorry for himself talking about the most bizarre things. he self harms has had councelling been told to stop drinking. It's a year and a half since we split. I have met a new partner that has moved in, was pehaps abit too soon when he did but i suppose i fell in love and couldn't wait to be with him always.
My ds2 has took a real shine to my dp and he has never had a very good relationship with his father basically because he never spent any time with him when he was with us. My dp is away visiting family and he rang why ex was here and my ds sprung up and wanted to talk to him on the phone. Well ex p went mad saying he never speaks to me on the phone blah blah. I know it's hard for him, but what can i do i can't help it if my ds gets on well with dp and dp spends time with him. I dunno what i want really just wanted to release some issues in my head and it helped to write this down sorry for ranting on if you've got this far!! What would you do??

i think it's up to you who phones you at home and that it's not any of his business. i can slightly understnad why he went mad but hten that's his fault for never spedning time with him. children are great at understanding who really wants to spend time with them. it sounds like your dp has become a father figure for ds2 and that it's this that has put xp nose out of place. he needs to grow up and accept the responsibility of his actions. as for what i would do, i think that i would have a "chat" with him when children aren't around and remind of how things were when he didn't spend time with his son. but hten i can be nasty in reminding people of things when they can't remember

i just read that back -sorry if i sounded preachy

i wouldnt let him in my house.he should go to the front door to pick up the children and not be invited in.

my xp was the same,he was always wallowing in self pity and going on about how terrible his life was.then he would accuse me of slagging him off to the kids if one of them didnt want to see him(er-no,its cos you are a miserable git).he thought he had the right to 'vet' anybody i got into a relationship with,as they were going to be around his children,but basically it was an excuse to still have some control over me.

when he realised my relationship with dp was serious,he pushed his way into my house and hit him,thinking dp would hit him back which would then 'prove' he wasnt suitable to be around children.dp didnt retaliate,the kids saw their father for what he really is and now they dont want to see him atall.

your ex is not your problem,and he needs to see this.tell him you're not prepared to discuss anything with him other than the children.dont try to be his friend.

He's a very self-indulgent man and it sounds like his counselling isn't working. He needs to take some responsibility for his life and his relationship with his kids.

If he carries on like this again, just tell him that with any relationship, you get what you put in. If you don't put much in to a relationship with kids, you won't get much back. Pretty obvious really, but it obviously needs to be spelt out to him.

amazingly, my ex also goes on because the children dont phone him!
er, why dont you phone them yourself???

I second the suggestion already made - dont let him in the house at all.

i agree; he can collect his children at the door. it's obviously up to you wo you let in your house but he's using his ability to gain entry to your house as a control issue and he needs to respect that

I wouldn't let him hang around my house moaning tbh. My ex h spends loads of time at our house but he's kind and nice to dd and helpful and I like having him here, as do dh, ds and dd.

That should be my ex DH, he didn't do anything warranting the removal of the D!

it's nice when people get on like that.
it might be nasty to say but am glad dp doesn't have children with his xw, she is a nasty piece of work

Thanks guys, just had loads of txt messages saying all sorts. He wants to kill himself and all that sort of stuff. I don't wanna do the drop the kids off because my ds1 will never see him because he won't go. I know it's not dp fault and i'm not blaiming him at all. All my familiy really like my new dp because he's made my ds so happy he's really changed. I feel guilty i suppose, i don';t want to everyone keeps telling me not to but i can't help it. i suppose i was trying to be his friend. but for the sake of the kids really. He knows why i left, and has admitted it was his fault. but i feel well i don't know how i feel. crap i really want my dp but he's away. thanks for replying. as i sit here weeping.

Poor you, pet. Remember it's not your fault and you're not responsible for this wet fish of a man and his issues. SOmetimes it helps to treat whiny adults as you would whiny LOs, with gentle, cheerful disdain and a refusal to be dragged in. "You feel lonely and you hate yourself? Oh dear. Cup of tea? With a bicky? Only I've got to get on with unblocking the S bend soon."

lol