We don't talk anymore...like we used to do

[gottaloveascamhun]

DH and I have been married 7 years, together for 12. 2 DCs age 5 and 3. We don't talk to each other unless it's about essential practical stuff e.g. we're having work done on the house so he will say the plumber is coming tomorrow etc. He is good with the kids and works hard, earns well. I work as a part time professional. I think the split of Labour is fairly equal e.g. I do most of the cooking, cleaning and washing but he works more hours, we share bedtimes, he will take them to the park so I can cook a roast etc. We have a cleaner every 2 weeks for a couple of hours to help.
In the evenings we share bedtimes e.g. one child each or take turns so one night he can play squash, the next I can go swimming etc. Often we are both in the house in the evening but he never eats with me. If I start watching tv and he comes in he won't make eye contact and say 'how was your day'. He just sits down on the other sofa. We sleep in separate rooms. I sleep badly and he has a throat clearing habit so I initiated this. We haven't had sex for 2 months. I recently quit drinking and can't think how I would have sex sober. We don't even say good night to each other. Previously I've broken down about the lack of relationship and he has promised to try to talk more to me but it always slides back to this. If I start a conversation I get one word answers. If I hug him he flinches. I stop trying becaysecthe rejection hurts. It's harder now I'm sober, he still drinks and this makes us seem more separate. On paper we have a beautiful house, good jobs, happy children doing well at nursery and school. But I'm so lonely. I don't know what I want. Can anyone shed any light on this? am willing to accept responsibility as I know it's partly my fault.

I just read a book which was so helpful with good insights into long term love and marriage. It's called 'a Course of Love' by Alain De Botton, I read it in 4 days and it has really helped me, have a look and see if it could help you.

Thank you for replying and I'm sorry others are going through this too.

I think my marriage might be over.

We used to be like this and I posted on here saying similar things, especially about the complete lack of affection and communication. For us it was during our hardest times with small DC who had health issues that badly affected everyone's sleep. Since sorting that, we've gradually got back on track.

So I wanted to say that it can be salvageable. I had to sit DH down a few times and spell out to him how miserable it was making me to have been loved, and to have all that connection gradually disappear. Worse than living alone!

Could you both take a day off together and really talk, without the children around. I'd suggest day time if your DH is used to drinking in the evenings.

Have to say though, your description of your DS's party is awful, definitely not behaviour or attitude you should be prepared to accept from your DH.

A few years into my marriage, I realised I was trying to replicate my parents' relationship and so was he. Thing is, his parents had a relationship pattern I disliked (think Mr & Mrs Bennett in Pride and Prejudice).

It took a lot of discussion before we could move towards something WE wanted. We had a trial separaton before I could get him to talk properly.

Your relationship sounds as if it could go either way, but you both have to be working towards something you agree on. Just now, it looks as though he is sleep-walking towards divorce. My husband told me afterwards he knew he was being unreasonable, he just never thought I'd actually leave.

Sounds rotten op. Like the pp, I was wondering what his / your parents marriages are like. As we've got older we've definitely drifted towards replicating our parents relationships, and that has not always been good. It's getting easier to change things as the children are getting older, but we certainly functioned like a parenting team rather than a couple in our own right for a long time.

When you've talked to your DH in the past, what does he say about it?

When we talked about it last time he got very upset and cried. He said he didnt want to lose me and promised to communicate more. That was a few months ago. I don't know how many times I can let this pattern continue. The worst thing is he hasn't noticed anything is wrong.

I'm in the same position. I'm placemarking but will add my pearls of wisdom when they pop up (if they pop up )

I talked to him. He was genuinely surprised. Ffs

That's the thing. It may seem normal to him, depending on what he grew up with. I think most people drift towards becoming the same as whatever role-model was most influential when they were growing up (most often parents). So he could well be surprised that you want something different.

The only way out is to actually stop and try to analyse what you saw and decide what (if anything) you want to avoid. Even then, it is hard work to change your 'programming'. Most people just drift into it.

My sister married a man whose parents technically lived together, but effectively led separate lives. It didn't last because she wanted a marriage, where people talked to one another and worked together towards mutual goals (as our parents generally did).

That rings true for me.

My DPs parents are still together and look like they have a good marriage but his DF calls all the shots, doesn't discuss anything further, puts his wife down and is mysogonistic and quite horrid actually.
My DParents. Had an awful marriage, both miserable and ended in divorce. They tried to make it work but they both wouldn't settle for crap.

My DP is a crap communicator and not empathetic, brushes everything under the carpet. Raaah

Sorry to hear I'm not alone here. But thanks for sharing your experiences.
Interesting about following parents' relationships. My parents chat a lot, support each other, laugh a lot. DHs parents always eat dinner separately and watch tv separately. So yes, his idea of what is usual will be different to mine. He also went to boarding school and craves space. I didn't help things by suggesting he sleep in the spare room but I think that would be ok if we connected more during the evening.

Tonight we are watching tv together and he said in our second chat let's try to spend more time together. So that's good.

That's great have a good night x