To give DH 2nd chance or not

[Anne09]

Hello..

Seeking advice here please.
Long story short- been with DH for 6 years, married for 3, DS one years old. Since birth of our DS DH has been suffering with PND (yes, happens to men too), he did not expect our lives would change so much and that I would have less time for him. Just before our DS turned one I have found out he is seeing someone else on the side, he says it is his coping mechanism as he doesn't have any friends and he already lost me as a friend because I can't dedicate as much time to him as I used to before. He swears and promises that they just 'chat' and it helps him to feel happy at home (I don't believe this for a second). He is begging for a second chance and promises to show he is a good dad and a husband.
My worry is he will hurt me in future, my heart is already broken and I know life is too short to stay with someone who puts himself and his needs above his family and wife. Equally I don't want to be selfish and I need to think about our DS having both parents. Still in shock and can't believe this has happened to us, we were so strong and I honestly didn't see it coming :(

He is having you on! PND, my arse. He's a selfish, immature, self-centred arse who is using his own child as an excuse to cheat. I'd not be able to have any respect for someone so childish, you and your child deserve better than this.

OP
Did you say he did the same thing with his ex wife? How did you find this out? This is as big a red flag as can be.

OP, are you doing the majority of the childcare? And therefore don't have as much free time as him? Not enough free time to pay some attention to him?

Because if he is leaving you to it with childcare, whinging that you don't have time for him, and looking to fill his masses of free time with an affair, then he is an irredeemable arse. There is absolutely no hope if that is the case.

I'm always amazed that people with young children have time to pursue an affair. The reality is that they normally just saddle the majority of the childcare onto their unsuspecting partner which leaves them with the free time needed.

'Coping mechanism'? I think I'd only be able to contemplate a second chance if he took responsibility for his own actions. He sounds incredibly selfish. So sorry this is happening to you. Hugs

@Kidnapped yes, I am doing ALL of the childcare. He's never put DS go bed, never fed him, never took him to the park alone. Only now he seems to have some interest as Ds started saying dada. Your comments give me so much strengh it's unreal, I think I am ready to leave him tonight. I am self sufficient and have no doubt we will be fine. It hurts, but it will be worse to live life in lies.
Re ex wife, yes, we have met as he was half way divorcing her. That was a red flag but I had rose tinted glasses on.

What was your terrible accident, Anne09?

About a third of the way down this NCT page you can find common symptoms of PND in dads. It does not include having an affair.

He's basically saying this is your fault, and making it your issue to resolve (lavish more attention on him, like you have any left to give). Aren't you exhausted from having to pander to him on top of caring for a baby?

My friends husband did this announced two weeks before their sons first birthday that he was off as she had neglected him since the baby had been born. He denied having an affair but suddenly three months later he had fallen for a colleague and within the year she was pregnant. After just over a year history repeated itself and now he shacked up with someone else who is - surprise,surprise - now pregnant! He is a ridiculous man child stamping his petulant little feet when he is no longer centre of attention.

Despite numerous hurdles to climb and battles with him my friend has gone from strength to strength. She has started her own business, has her own beautiful home, a fantastic little boy (no thanks to him) and has now found love with a fantastic chap. I am in awe of her and how she has picked herself up and your friends will feel the same way about you. Chin up and forward for the two of you. xxxx

I'd be kicking him out tbh. My ex husband was like this, was like raising a petulant second child. Couldn't deal with it after a while.

If you are doing all of the childcare already and are financially okay then there's no reason to prolong it.

I'm sorry. Someone who decides to put all of the responsibility of childcare onto their partner then has the effrontery to moan about having less attention from you is never going to change. Never.

I do think that some couples can recover from affairs eventually. But it needs the person who had the affair to take responsibility for it. He never will.

Good luck Anne09. My ex was like this, I done all the childcare, 90% of the housework, worked full time.
It was also 'my fault' that he cheated (which started with online chatting) as I was either too busy or too tired for him. He said he missed the 'old me' - the one who would happy sit up late at the weekends having a few drinks and a laugh together. The 'new me' was always tired (funnily enough, work, housework, night feeds, early mornings), didn't want to drink (breastfeeding) and didn't understand how hard it was for him.

I can't believe i stayed so long.

TimetohittheroadJack, omg it was exactly what he said!! Missing the 'old' me, how much fun we used to have, how many snuggles etc, and it is all gone now, well less tim for it because of the demands of the baby. How long did you stay with him?
He has also completely neglected the house - so many things need fixing, but he has no time for it, because he is stressted at work and can't think, or is trying to work on his business ideas (never seen him do that), or I am a nag. He also says by constantly nagging and suspecting I am pushing him away. Really? Ffs!! Selfish child, I am so over it right now. Love your support.

Get shot of him.

@Tribpod - broke my back

Very sorry to hear that, it must have been dreadful. Do you mean his reaction to your injury was a sign, or the accident itself?

I'm slightly ashamed to say I didn't leave - I forgave him , stayed and went on and had another baby with him. So ended up with a full time job, two children to look after and organise childcare for, still most of the housework, and now the added benefit of him being 'not happy' as his job was harder than mine, and how I didn't understand how hard it was for him.

your child will benefit more from a happy mum.

tribpot- the accident itself was the sign to not do it.
TimetohittheroadJack - yes, same here.. I work full time, take care of baby and housework and he just moans about how he doesn't get much attention and how his job is unfulfilling. Grow up!! He has never taken any responsibility for his action, he alway blames the underlying reasons or his childhood issues for the way he is. Selfish.

He's not sorry, he feels he's justified, that it was an ok thing to do in the circumstances, and that in any case, its your fault (I suppose it was the ex-wife's fault too). You can't make this work, you'd be kidding yourself and wasting your time. If he had been honest about what he'd done, the extent of it, and been genuinely sorry and willing to do anything to make it up to you, then you might have stood half a chance - if you both worked 100% on the relationship. But with him and his terrible attitude you're losing before you start.

Glad to see you have decided this manchild is noworth it

The only way your marriage could work is if you withdrew time and attention from your child and gave it all to him. Is that the kind of mother you want to be?