Realising you're the other woman and deciding what to do. Please help

[maybebabysauce]

I don't want to drip feed so I will try and be as detailed as possible.

I'm 27 and I've been dating a 50 year old man for over a year. I moved to the area where he lived a few streets away, around 2 years ago. I met him in the gym, and we later realised we were both members of the same volunteering group (I don't want to say what exactly), and I also have a part time job in the local shop. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that when I met him I felt like I had met my other half. And Im very cynical usually, so it took me by surprise. Age gap hasn't bothered us at all, he's young for his age and I'm old for mine.

Throughout the last 14 months, I've seen him nearly every day and spoken every day on the phone on the few days we haven't seen each other. I've been to his house, but never met his kids. This hasn't bothered me, we talk about them lots and I always figured I would meet them one day when the time was right.

Before there was ANYTHING sexual between us, and as we initially got to know each other, he told me his ex wife lived in the same house and that they lived separate lives. When we eventually got together, he told me she couldn't know about us because it would screw things up for the kids. I accepted this, mainly because she worked away a lot and he told me she did this because they preferred spending as much time apart as they could, with a plan to sell their house once the kids left school in 2 years, and then they would buy two smaller houses. He's a great dad and I thought that unless he and I were properly serious, then we may as well not bother disrupting anything. I've also spent many nights at his house and seen their separate living arrangements, and there's nothing in the house to suggest they are 'together.' If anything, its the opposite... plans to sell etc.

Fast forward 6 months ago, and I see a text come up on his phone when he's driving, from the 'ex wife.' She's asking what he wants for tea and there's lots of kisses at the end. I pick up the phone, he grabs it off me, I say immediately that I want to read all texts from her, and he deletes the thread. I was so angry and told him that there would be no reason at all for secrets on his phone if they had a purely civil 'housemate' relationship. He told me he felt awkward about me reading personal messages. The end of this argument culminated in him telling me that she did want to separate in 2 years and sell, but if she knew he was seeing me now, then she would be 'very upset' and 'she sometimes tries to make it work' even though 'they both know it won't.' He painted her as crazy, (showed me examples of this, earlier messages and emails where she had been quite nasty, a video recording of her smashing up the house etc).

At this point, I knew that in some way I was essentially the other woman. And I carried on seeing him. I feel sick typing this because I started to realise that she probably is trying to make their broken marriage work, while he is having an affair. And I'm part of it.

And now I want to tell her. But I'm scared because he has painted her in such a crazy way, I'm worried about what she might do (i know that's pathetic on my part). I also worry about the effect on the kids.

I wouldn't be telling her because I want to be in his life. I don't trust him at all anymore. But I feel so guilty that I carried on. I hate myself for it. Should I tell her? Anonymously or otherwise? Will I have ruined her kids lives if I do that? What about having to see him a few times a week at the local shop (he will still come in), and at the gym?

My mind is such a mess and I don't know what to do anymore. I wish I had never met him.

[MissMargie]

Why tell her -- why - is it revenge to make life difficult for him after you've broken up or what?

Time to move on. Look for another job. Go to new gym and don't chat to 50 year olds

[pklme]

Let go and move on. When if he and his wife have split properly, he will be ready to be in a relationship with you. Not before.

[springydaffs]

Op has said she wants to tell the wife so the wife knows her husband is a cheating liar bastard.

What's so incomprehensible about wanting to warn another woman? yy op could be the sort who wants to get rid of the wife so she can have him to herself - but she has made it clear she is not interested in him now she's discovered the monumental lie he has spun for 2 years.

I don't think you were naive, op. If naive means that in your wildest dreams you couldn't imagine anyone spinning such a detailed lie then, yes, you were naive in the technical sense. Which makes us all naive imo.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

Honestly. I'm not the brightest of people but I would have known that I would not have had a relationship with someone living with their wife. Red flags alert!
Why did you not think it was odd, that you never got taken to the house or meet his kids.

[Roussette]

OP did get taken to the house. She stayed the night there!
I've also spent many nights at his house and seen their separate living arrangements

Why on earth would anyone start a relationship with someone who is still living with their wife, even if it does look like seperate living arrangements.

OP just walk away, cut him off, block him.

[c3pu]

Just dump him and never look back.

Don't contact his wife, she won't thank you for it and it won't bring you any satisfaction in the long run either. Just walk away.

[EssentialHummus]

First things first, end it. Change gym. Get on with your life.

Personally, if I was the other woman in this situation, I'd want to know: how long you saw him for, what he told you about his wife, how you found out the truth. Ideally with some evidence (texts?) so that he doesn't try the "bitches be crazy" line on her, too. Then just leave it. However much you feel duped, she will likely see you as a bit of a homewrecker.

[WuTangFlan]

"I don't trust him at all anymore" - because he has broken and abused your trust. You can't have a relationship where there's no trust. He's not the person you thought he was. Mourn the loss of that person, and move on.

[IBelieveTheEarthIsFlat]

You were lied to. You have been confused since you realised you were being duped. End the relationship, change gym, no contact at all. Don't be the bad person by telling the wife, there is no need to do that. It doesn't matter if she is crazy or not, whether he was lying about their relationship or not - if you tell her, you will be being cruel, and you don't need cruelty on your conscience

Walk away with your self respect and move on. You will meet someone else when you are ready.

[ImperialBlether]

I'd say she's probably crazy because she doesn't understand what's going on in her own life. If she did know, she'd probably become sane in an instant. It does terrible things to your mental health, living with someone who's leading a double life.

[PocketWatchFob]

Did you post about this before: Is this the same as this?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2746463-When-you-realise-youre-the-OW-do-you-tell-his-wife-Feel-like-Im-drowning-in-guilt?pg=1

Very similar wording:

"there was nothing in the house to suggest they were together."

"I've also spent many nights at his house and seen their separate living arrangements, and there's nothing in the house to suggest they are 'together"

If not, have a read of that thread, same problem, same answer. You know what to do.

[adora1]

We've heard this already?

You are 27, you got involved with a man of 50 still married and still very much living with his wife, you choose to believe his crap, lesson learned I hope and I hope to god you are not seeing him anymore, can't believe you carried it on even after you found out, you should feel bad, bad move!

[Lunar1]

I don't know why but I think the only thing worse than the affair is the husband showing personal messages, texts and videos to their ow. It's a disgusting invasion of privacy and makes the person who is happy to read them just as vile and revolting as the bastard having the affair.

No matter what the state of their relationship, private messages between them is none of your bloody business and you are a real creep to have looked at it.

Stay away from her and forget everything you think you know about her.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Ugh here comes the spam - reported.

[springydaffs]

Offensive post, ahsan, re ageist.

He's not 80 ffs.

[nataliemej]

You can't knock her beleiving they wernt together, my friends parents were divorcing but her dad was renovating the new house hed bought they lived together under the same roof for about a year before they finally moved out, they were both seeing other people and they had separate bedrooms and lived separate lives, just shared the same house so it's not like it doesn't happen
As I said in my previous post thought you still need to cut him out of your life and move on let them be his wife will soon find him out on her own without your input

[ravenmum]

I was thinking the same thing as ImperialBlether. The wife might just have had the "I love you but I am not in love with you" speech and think they are going to do counselling and work on their relationship. Or she might still just be begging her husband to explain why he won't look her in the eye any more.