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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've forgotten what it's like to have a life!

12 replies

Nellycake · 10/02/2007 13:14

Just feel like having a bit of a rant, if I may!

Our lo is 7 months old. While I was expecting her, dh was fantastic, completely devoted to me, always doing nice things, taking me out, making sure I was happy and had everything I wanted/needed. In a word, I was spoiled. However, since dd arrived, I seem to have slipped by the wayside. Dh dotes on dd and she adores him, but I can't remember when I last had some real fun (with adults!) I get no time to myself - even when dh gets in from work, he takes over with dd (and I do want him to be able to spend time with her) but I have to get dinner ready and do all the housework I haven't finished. To top it off, he asked me yesterday if I wanted to go to the pub with him and our friends to watch the rugby today and when I pointed out that we didn't have anyone to look after dd today, he took that to mean that I would stay at home with dd while he went (as happened last weekend). With the six nations on, it might be April before I see him at the weekend again!

I'm so annoyed with him I haven't been able to have a constructive conversation with him about this and if/when I do, he'll get all defensive. The other thing is I know that he'll make more of an effort if he knows how I feel, but then it'll be like he's only doing it because I said something, not because he's thought about how I might feel. We won't even be doing anything for Valentine's Day as all our usual babysitters are going out themselves.

Don't get me wrong, I know dh loves me, he's just being a bit thoughtless but I'm going to go mad and start resenting him if we don't strike some sort of balance.

OP posts:
liquidclocks · 10/02/2007 13:21

I remember going through that stage so well!

I have to say, the only thing that sorted it out was me taking charge and saying 'i need, to go out today, so I'm leaving DS with you, bye...!'

potawitty · 10/02/2007 13:25

yes do that you'll feel much better after a bit of me time. Restore your sanity!

sasa15 · 10/02/2007 13:57

ds is now 2.6 and since 2 months I found the courage to call a babysitter that comes sometimes maybe once a month and babysitting
while ds sleeps....I go out locally as I live in a good area...so if anything happen
she call me in a mobile and I will be back
soon....

I could do that before...but I was panicking
to leave him....

now I think everything is ok!!!

it could be an idea.......

wartywarthog · 10/02/2007 14:19

next time he takes over with dd, don't do the dinner or the housework. it's not going anywhere - it can wait. go and take a long, hot bath with a glass of wine. you've got to take your time where you can. and don't feel guilty about it!

lupo · 11/02/2007 09:47

I'll often leave ds 2.6 with dh at weekeneds for a couple of hours and i go out when he naps in the afternoon so dh can have some tme to watch dvd etc and i can get out the house, tbh would go stir crazy if i couldnt do this, as we all know toddlers test the pateience of a saint, def go out and leave dh to get on with it..do you all the world of good

moondog · 11/02/2007 09:50

I think we've all been through this.
It's really hard but if you insist on making time for yourself and allowing him to see how much work looking after a baby involves,he will understand better.

My dh is away for 6 weeks at a time,but when he comes home,he takes over the 2 yr old and 6 yr old completely.
Otherwise I would be a basket case.

NappiesGalore · 11/02/2007 10:01

i agree w all these posts. and is good to remember, youre doing such a good impression of coping and being fine with everything, he can happily assume thats whats happening... you do need to let him know (which of course you know)
i know what you mean in that, you know that speaking aboiut it with lots of resentment in your tone will cause friction and you dont want to start a fight, you just want him to see your POV and support you better... so take a step back from bottling up (i do this and it just means youll explode at some point!) and next time he comes home make a point of saying; ' listne honey, can i talk to you about something? this is gonna sound more confrontational than i really mean it, but i need some more/different support from you!' which opens up the conversation and you can go on to explain that you know he hasnt realised, youre not attacking or blaming, but heres what you need.... etc... its totally totally understandable that you need 'me time' you are, afterall, human

Bucketsofdynomite · 12/02/2007 14:13

It's so hard, they just assume everything is hunkydory don't they? You just have to remember that not only are they not psychic (like us women) but they often have to be maually programmed. This is worth a read, lots of tricks for manipulating your other half without coming across as the naggy fishwife stereotype!

OrmIrian · 12/02/2007 14:39

"but then it'll be like he's only doing it because I said something, not because he's thought about how I might feel."

Please don't expect him to be psychic. He may be but somehow I doubt it . You need to tell him what you need and that you aren't happy. He won't think about how you feel unless he knows there's something he has to think about iyswim. I spent years torturing myself because DH didn't behave like he used to when we were first together - ie thinking about me before everything else, always putting me first etc. The simple answer is that things/people change and a child accelerates that process x100!. If your DH is anything like mine he'd be very upset to realise his behaviour was making you unhappy and resentful and once he knew that he'd make a big effort to make things better. If I actually tell DH that I'm going somewhere/seeing someone he'll drop everything to make sure I can go. But he needs to be told I'm afraid.

BettySpaghetti · 12/02/2007 14:51

I used to do what some of the others have said -Saturday afternoon (when DP would more than likely be watching sport on TV anyway) I would just say "I'm going out for a couple of hours".

I would just go shopping, wander round town, go for a coffee etc .Its great if you've other friends in a similar situation so you can co-ordinate with them and meet up.

Bucketsofdynomite · 12/02/2007 14:55

Oh and a family organiser calendar helps too, with a column for each member of the family. That way you can book in when he is to be in charge of the LO (because he won't look at anyone else's columns.) Make it an unbreakable rule that it doesn't happen unless it's on the calendar (you may have to suffer a few slipups of your own in order to get the point made though .)

Tortington · 12/02/2007 14:57

i think if your relying on your dh for a social life then frankly its a recipe for disaster. you need to get one of your own - easier said than done - but like below just going out for a bit - joining a club, the gym, weight watcher, whatever - somethign to get you out

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