Being told I have to "try"

[DisneyedOut]

I've name chanced for this as I'm pretty I'm very recognisable under my last name. And this could end up being either very long or I'll have to drip feed. I'll try to keep it to the basic facts.

Anyway, 2.5 months ago I told my dh that I no longer felt like I was in love him and I don't actually want to be a couple anymore.

He was devastated, and to be honest has been completely unable to cope with it.

The reasons for me feeling like it is that over the years, when he hasn't gotten drunk (2-3 times a year approx) he's been incredibly rude to me. I'm not going to say abusive, but just an arrogant twat.

Or he'll get so hammered we can't be intimate together even though I've given him the wink wink nudge nudge.

In addition to the above, I don't feel he's very supportive, in the last 18 months I've lost my grandfather who I was VERY close to. Moved house, had a hysterectomy (I'm 32), had a car accident and then just general life on top.

When I was recovering he did the school runs etc because I couldn't drive but never actually asked how I was, offered affection whilst recovering, nothing.

I have since made a friend online, a man that is in a similar situation to me and we've met for a coffee a few times.

Ex isn't happy about it at all. He believes this other person is the reason I won't "try". He doesn't seem to understand what he is asking me to do.

He's asking me to "work at it and try and make things work and try and love him again". I've explained it isn't as easy as that because to work at it etc, you both have to want to. And I don't want to "try" because I don't want to be with him.

He is saying that I should be doing what I have to do for the sake of our family, for our daughter. I've said that I'm happy to cohabit, us to be friends and raise her together (I know this is ideal, but I have to consider that dealing with my mother throughout all of this is going to be even more hellish, she's another thread just on her own).

I've told him that he can go if he can't handle it, and he's putting ALL the blame of our situation on me and the friend I've made.

I'm at a completely loss as to how to get it through to him that he just can't tell me that I have to try and work at our marriage. I've explained that he may as well pick a random off the street and ask me to fall in love with them. He think I'm talking utter shit because we've been together 16 years etc (since we were 16).

I'm at loss and I don't know where to turn.

Youre being incredibly tight on him and you need to leave.

Sorry I've not abandoned this thread.

He is rude to me and talks to me like a child, very frequently. And then on top of that, 2-3 times a year he's vile. It's not every times he's had a drink. At other times, he just gets utterly bladdered and is embarrassing. Always is more drunk than everyone else.

We've discussed this multiple times and every time he agrees with me that he needs to calm it down.

It never changes. And then he always says he never agrees with me from the last time and just says he does to shut me up.

I don't have access to online banking or anything.
I set up my own bank account and asked that he gives me money each week, for housekeeping/petrol/stuff for dd so I can manage the budget for that sort of stuff rather than call him and check all the time. He did this for two weeks and decided it was too much hassle.

I told my husband before I started talking to coffee man that I felt we were done.
I told him because I thought it would be best to rather than keep pretending.
Since telling him I've agreed to go to counselling, which we've done. The counsellor said he was very indignant about the whole thing.

I suppose in a way he is but I hadn't really noticed
I accept that saying the "stranger on the street" remark was harsh. But I didn't know how to get through o him in any other way.

I do want to leave, I can get job, I'm happy to. But I've not been able to have one in the marriage for various reasons.

He saying he won't let me go. We WILL fix this. I feel like I'm being rather cornered.

He does sound abusive, actually. Certainly financially abusive.

Talk to a solicitor. Considering the financial abuse you could get help, including legal aid.
Women's Aid may also be able to advise you in practical terms.

Do you have family or friends you could stay with for a while?

Also to say that you've certainly tried enough already.

He is definitely abusive, and he doesn't seem to have any interest in changing.

Time to leave.

Oh, Im sorry OP, I didn't get from your OP that he was that bad.

I still think you've been a bit unwise - you don't just tell people you're going to split up with them in ...what...6 months time, it's not feasible. If I were you now though, I would secretly plan and get ready to get out. Do what you have to do to get through the next few weeks, but raise some money to leave. It's ok to leave, honestly - you don't need his permission.

You talk about the ideal situation being a happy co-parenting relationship. The thing is, that is YOUR ideal situation, it might not be his. It might be best to just aim for being out of this situation for now.

I also think the whole coffee man situation is...daft...with you both complaining about your difficult marriages. It's just not a good idea. Please confide in friends instead.

Best of luck.

I recognise where your DHE is coming from. It's a total shock if you don't see it coming and you love that person. My experience is not the same as such but I know that shock and that determination to save it.

My ex told me she didn't love me anymore. Then I found out she was having an affair and she left me and the kids for another man. All I wanted was for her to try. Even though she was abusive at times I loved her with all my heart and wanted to protect my family. I would have forgiven her anything just to have her back (back then, definitely not now). Now you are probably nothing like my ex (I hope) and from the sounds of it I am not like your DH. But the point is like my ex it sound you have made up you mind. For you it is beyond repair. No doubt this is completely heart breaking for your DH. It was for me. But if it is passed the point of no return that's life. Sadly it is over and you need to find away to make it clear and to hopefully work things best for the kids. The trouble is sometimes it's hard to understand why the other half will not try when you are fighting tooth and nail to save a relationship you value so much and to save your family.

Good luck and hope you can find a way to split on the best terms

I am in your DH position as my husband has left, even though I suspected things it was still a shock, all I can say is please don't be deliberately cruel.
You have had time to decide this, he hasn't
I hope you get it sorted amicably

1DAD2KIDS and WorriedWife2016, were you also financially abusive and horrible to your partners?
If so, they owed you nothing.

You want out, he's telling you that you can't go.
Not acceptable.
See/contact all the agencies, CAB, Women's Aid, anyone who might be able to provide help or advice. Your GP because this is bringing you down and you might need counselling or other support.

This man is a prick and you have every right to leave him. (You don't need a partner's permission or co-operation to end a relationship even if the partner is an OK human being you simply no longer want - though if your soon-to-be-ex hasn't behaved badly, you should try to be kind and fair about the separation).
But you have had finanicial and mental abuse off this alkie dipshit for years. You are under no obligation to 'try' when he has repeatedly refused to change his behaviour. I would suggest having a word with Women's Aid on how to get away and build a new life.
The other man may not be your future partner, but very often a new person is the factor that helps people see their way out of a shit relationship.

She does have every right to leave him and that's what she should do - leave.

Does it matter what he says? Will it stop you taking the necessary action?

Thank you everyone for your support and advice.

He really isn't abusive, just a ducking arrogant dickhead that speaks down to me when he's had too much to drink. So I suppose low level abuse at worst. And a bit financially controlling, yes. And that is reason enough. I know.

Actually controlling in a few ways but they've been so low level that I haven't noticed until "coffee man" has said that isn't right.

I have asked him to break the habit of not being a twat when he's drunk. I've never told him to not drink (I have asked) and I've said on numerous occasions that he wants to drink don't come home to me, sleep elsewhere, so we don't argue and I don't feel like shit.

It's never ever changed. I even walked out of the house at 3am with our daughter because of it.

He has done again since, even after promising and crying in front of my mother that he won't.

I'm at my wits end with it all to be honest.

Interesting to see half the posters on here projecting wildly and jumping on coffee man as the root cause of all this, rather than your DH being a serial arse.

Being rude, being a horrible drunk, being unsupportive and allowing you no access to the family finances are each reason enough to want out. Saying he won't let you leave raises a small reddish flag.

The usual advice to women who find themselves in your situation is get all your ducks in a row, lawyer up, and file for divorce.

Ease off on coffee man though - even though you're just viewing him as a friend his intentions are not likely to be platonic, and I'm guessing he has a wife who will take a dim view of all this. I know you need support, but this will just make everything messy and unclear.