Am I wrong to be angry at my mum

[sammyjayneex]

So my mum ringing me saying it's doing her head in not seeing me and my kids yet she won't get on a fucking bus and visit us. She expects my DH to go pick her up and bring her over because he drives and she doesn't. If my DH can't bring her due to work and petrol costs she will ask my uncle as he drives but he's it around much as news flash he has his own life but she moans she doesn't see us yet can't be arsed to get a bus!!
My DH probably could pick her up before he goes to work but he says why should we make all the effort and why should he spend his petrol picking her up when she could get a bus. Am I right? Arnt mothers supposed to make an effort???? She waits until she can get a lift to see her grandchildren or expects us to go to hers!!! Just to point out she's in her 40s, isn't disabled or anything so she's quite capable of making an effort. I have kept my distance from her to be honest because of her lack of effort.

where does it say op is reliant on her DH

Read the op. The dm is reliant on Sammys dh to ferry her to and fro and Sammy is reliant on her dh because with 5 children she can't get the bus. As neither appear willing or able to use public transport or learn to drive who else is doing the running around for them.

Thanks for all your replies

Just to point out I have every right to rely on my DH we have kids together and I can't learn to drive because i can't afford to. I don't have the money for lessons and tests. I have 5 kids to support. We decided amongst each other what our life would be like. The things is she never made an effort. I have always made the effort and I used to get public transport every week when I had 2 children to see her. She has NEVER got a bus to visit me. She didn't even come to my wedding LOL her excuse because she has nothing to wear, we offered to buy her something but she still didn't come. Who the hell doesn't go to their own daughters wedding?

My wedding was 10 years ago and my grandparents managed to come but not her lol

Sorry to derail but I'm just wondering how old your mum is? I thought you said 40 but you got married 10 years ago?

'Actions speak louder than words'

Always.

My parents are similar OP. They live in Ireland so I'm not expecting a weekly visit or anything but they virtually never visit me - 4 times in 14 years at last count. They are fit and healthy, can easily afford the airfare and we have a spare room so they wouldn't have to worry about hotel bills. I used to have to listen to lots of moaning about how much they missed me, but they almost never made the effort to do anything about it.

Some parents seem to see it as the 'child's job to visit them, even if you're now a grown adult with a full and busy life of your own. I completely understand why you're feeling hurt and angry

Just read the bit about your wedding. That is really dreadful. How incredibly hurtful for you.

Do you think she's jealous of you at all? Does she put you down, treat you like a child, show little interest in your life?

Op - are you sure that your mum doesn't suffer from some sort of panic/anxiety disorder? It's much more common than you think and people find it very hard to admit to. I know two people who get severe panic attacks on public transport when travelling alone. One of them didn't turn up to my wedding and I was incredibly pissed off at the time, but, since finding out why, I'm a lot more sympathetic and and only wish they had felt comfortable enough to be honest about it tbh. Can obviously understand why you are feeling hurt though!

Whattodo, if op's mum was 46-49 now, she could have had op aged 16-19 which would make op 30 having got married at 20. I think its completely possible!

Hello just to clarify. My mum is 47/48
I am 28 (29 in Feb) I got married aged 18.
She has always been anxious but doesn't help herself to be honest. She doesn't want to do anything that steps out of her comfort zone if you get me but we all have to do it

I can understand why you're upset op, but to be fair to your mum, if she has an anxiety disorder\panic attacks, it may not be as easy as just "helping herself" or pulling herself together. It's nothing to do with her physical health. She may need professional help. Does she go anywhere else by herself on public transport? Have you tried talking to her about it?

Not expressing this very well - my family member wants to visit her sons - but can't do it. It's not about the amount of effort she puts in ifyswim.

My mother drives and only lives 30 odd miles away. She has never once, in nearly 3 years come to see me or my son. It sucks and hurts a lot. I sometimes go and see her if I'm deliberately doing something in her area. She doesn't make any more effort than that.

No advice, but watching with interest, my mil is still to visit us and our new baby (7 weeks and first grandchild!).
We don't think going to her would be sensible as she smokes in her house and has a jumpy/snappy Alsatian.
It makes me so sad for my OH as my parents are round at least once a week and showing a real interest in little one

Panic disorder and agoraphobia are treatable. It is the anxious persons fault if they choose not to have cognitive behaviour therapy. Some people are reluctant to relinquish the sick role.

I think that is a little harsh 2rebecca. CBT isn't a magic cure for everyone. Agoraphobia can be one of the hardest mental illnesses to overcome. My relative lives in Wales and she attended an NHS six week course of CBT which worked a bit initially but the effects wore off. There was nothing else on offer locally, and she was very motivated to get better, so she then paid for some private sessions to see a therapist which meant she was no longer house bound, but she still can't travel long distances. And it's taken her years to get to that point and she still has relapses. It's hard to see her suffering so profoundly tbh.

Obviously, I've no idea if this applies to the op's mother or not. But it took years for my relative to be open about her illness because she was very ashamed about it.