is his behaviour unfair / selfish?

[missyB1]

Ok so I think our marriage has over the years developed this pattern of whenever i want to go somewhere / do something it can only happen if it doesn't inconvenience my husband. Its not that hes controlling about me doing my own thing, but hes not willing to put himself out to facilitate me doing something for myself. I however have always been expected to juggle all the balls of house / childcare etc.. in order to facilitate his career and interests. I gave up work due to childcare issues (he never took responsibility for any of that) and he was the main earner by a long shot anyway.
He works long hard hours in a stressful job and earns decent money and is very generous with it so no complaints about that. But because its always been about his career taking priority its as if that has extended itself to home life too. For example, I want to travel up to the midlands to drop Christmas presents to my family on a day in December, I need him to stay at home and look after our young puppy for the day. He says i can only do it on a Sunday as hes working all week and likes to go and watch Rugby on a Saturday, however the trains are crap on a Sunday and the journey becomes hellish. But he wont consider altering his plans, he says as he paid for a season ticket he MUST go to all home games. the same if i wanted to go anywhere or do anything really, it must not interfere with what he wants to do. However he can go to four or five conferences abroad each year (not compulsory, entirely voluntary he just enjoys them) and he doesn't give a moments thought about me on my own with child and puppy. Same with his Rugby games.
I have tried to raise this with him numerous times but he thinks im being unreasonable and is very clever at arguing his case. I end up feeling guilty.

Also I am very keen to get back into work, whenever i mention that idea he comes up with lots of reasons why that would be difficult. And I know the responsibility for childcare and dog care would be all mine.

I don't know how to get through to him. Suggestions?

You get one life. Don't make it this one.

Missy - do you get any time to yourself during the week to do anything you enjoy? Not sure how old your DS is?

Madinche I do go to Zumba and Pilates when ds is at school, I also go to mindfulness, I do all of these at a cancer support centre as I'm recovering from breast cancer. It's been more stressful trying to fit these in since the arrival of the puppy and I find myself hurrying back home because she's on her own. I need to fit in her walks now as well as housework, food shopping, laundry. I think I get more stressed since the cancer, I've made a good physical recovery but still working on the psychological side. That's why I find it hard to know whether I'm being reasonable or paranoid in complaining about my husband.

Your husband is a self centred are hole

All your leisure time is when ds is cared for elsewhere

And yet your H won't step up to take some of the shitwork load off you after all you have been through

Shame on him

Op, the dog wasn't even your idea? I'd take it back to where your oh got it.

You're recovering from breast cancer? Your oh is a selfish twat. He needs a wake-up call.

I think your hunch about the puppy may be on the money. What parent unilaterally gets their child a high maintenance pet that they expect their spouse to dance attendance on? At the very least he simply didn't care enough about your time to think it was worth considering. He's a manipulative arse. Why am I imagining him in tweed, twirling his moustaches like a Victorian patriarch?

Missy - I think given what you've gone through, your DH should be bending over backwards for you. Rugby - what rugby?

I'm in a similar position (ish) except I have 4 school-age DC. No puppy, but 3 high- maintenance cats and an exceptionally bizarre MIL, 200 metres down the road. My DH plays rugby too, on Sunday mornings, while I'm supervising 4 lots of homework plus cooking lunch, often with "help" from MIL herself Recently though, he has pushed it too far by bringing random stray and unannounced team members home to eat lunch with us. We have had words.

I bet your DH reasons that you have all week off doing pilates and this is why he feels entitled to play rugby on Saturdays. He needs to be flexible though. You're right the trains on Sundays stop everywhere.

Just put yourself first for once. I've started doing that more thanks to MN!