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Original poster

Narc ex has moved back home, advice needed

15 replies

OhBlissOhJoy · 26/10/2016 09:33

I've posted about this man before under a different username.
I threw out my narc ex a couple of months ago after finding out about his affair with a much younger girl. He moved in with her at her parents house.
Apparently it was only ever a temporary arrangement and yesterday I got a message from him saying he was moving back into our house. I asked him if he could give me a couple of days to sort somewhere out for me and he said no, he was in fact already there. He is refusing to look for somewhere else and that I have nothing to worry about, he will stay out of my way. I don't believe him. I think he will hurt me. I genuinely do, although he has never been abusive before his behaviour since we split has been unbelievable. Flying into rages over imagined slights, attacking me, blaming me for literally everything. He blames me for turning people against him who have shown disapproval of his affair.

I booked into a hotel last night and again tonight but this is a short term solution to a long term problem. No close family or friends that I can stay with. We have the house on the market and an offer accepted but it will be at least a couple of months before completion and we can go our separate ways.
Does anyone have any advice how I can keep myself safe? I can't afford to stay at a hotel for long. No DCs.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhBlissOhJoy · 26/10/2016 10:04

*Sorry - verbally attacking me not physically - however when I refused to open the front door to him once he did kick it in.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 26/10/2016 10:07

Go back and if he verbally abused you or intimidates you call the police to have him removed.

You can get an order to have him removed from the home if there are genuine reasons. I forget what it's called.

Gymnopedies · 26/10/2016 10:19

Look for shared accomodation, you usually don't need a big deposit.

Gymnopedies · 26/10/2016 10:19

Oh, have heard that airbnb is reasonably priced too.

THirdEeye · 26/10/2016 11:43

Do you co own the property or are both your names on the lease?

THirdEeye · 26/10/2016 11:45

I just wanted to add, that if you need to go back could someone stay with you? Also, if you feel threatened/he flies into a rage then call the police straight away.

Original poster
OhBlissOhJoy · 26/10/2016 11:48

Have looked into Airbnb and is not cheap round her as I live on the edge of a big city. I have registered with SpareRoom.com and am hoping to find somewhere cheaper there.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhBlissOhJoy · 26/10/2016 11:49

We co-own the property so he has every right to be there.

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 26/10/2016 11:57

Well, he has every right to be there but no right to be nasty to you. Can you use different rooms, have separate shelves in the fridge etc to stay out of each other's way as much as possible? And as others have said - if he is a complete nightmare, just ring the police.

Original poster
OhBlissOhJoy · 26/10/2016 12:05

So do you think I should go back? Even though I feel threatened?

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 26/10/2016 12:11

Well, don't go back if you feel threatened and can't face the prospect.

Original poster
OhBlissOhJoy · 26/10/2016 12:17

It's a 2 bedroom house and he has said he will stay in the back bedroom and keep out of my way but I just don't trust him to do that, especially if he's been drinking. Sorry, don't mean to drip feed, just posted initially quickly - he's been drinking a lot recently and lost his licence and subsequently his job. This is one of the reasons I don't feel safe - his behaviour is erratic at the best of time and if he's drunk there is no chance that he will be even close to reasonable.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 26/10/2016 12:21

If you feel he is dangerous then I wouldn't go back. As well as spare room, ask around at work if anyone can take on a temporary lodger? Lots of people have a spare room but don't want a lodger they don't know, or a permanent arrangement.

MostlyHet · 26/10/2016 12:23

What a scary situation, OP. I think in this sort of scenario, your instincts should be listened to - if you think his behaviour is erratic and he is unreasonable, and things might escalate into physical violence, you should not ignore those warning signs. The problem you have is that (legal people may want to correct me on this) I think it's very difficult to get an occupation order if there hasn't been physical violence.

I don't know what size of town you live in, but if it's a university town, it might be worth phoning the university to see if they have any spaces in student accomodation - by this time in term they've often had people drop out of courses and have spaces available. Failing that, people looking for lodgers? A room is cheaper than a flat and is manageable in the short term, perhaps. Can you afford a few months (until completion on your flat) of rent on a room?

I know in an ideal world you should be able to continue to live in your own house, but from what you have said it doesn't sound as though it would be safe. But worst case scenario, if you had to stay, could you put a lock on your bedroom door, for instance?

jeaux90 · 26/10/2016 12:47

Gosh OP so sorry. Narcs are awful people. I know it rarely escalates into physical violence but you always always feel threatened by them. I hope you can well the property quickly and move on, cut contact etc xxx

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