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Original poster

Complicated realationship - AFFAIR - FRIENDS -COUPLE?

54 replies

user1477428275 · 25/10/2016 22:56

This is very very long winded but I need some advise, I am not here to be judged either, so please bare this in mind.

I'm mid 30s he's mid 40's. I've 1 child, he's 2.

We met 20 months ago. He was going through a divorce and I was in an unhappy marriage. We had a sexual affair for nearly a year. we supported each other, me through his divorce and he through my decision to split with hubby. 3 months after his divorce he decided to try again with his ex. as closure/sink or swim/for the kids thing I think. Anyway, I was OK with this at the time as I had my own problems, I could see he was hurting and reluctantly backed off, so our last sexual contact was 8 months ago. We have remained in contact ever since. with periods of no contact, occasional texts as friends, meet occasionally at work too.

This weekend we spent 3 days solid together with a mutual friend for work. Prior he said he was looking forward to it and it included lots of flirting, eye contact, ending with a hug (he doesn't do hugs) before we went home. He knows I have split with my hubby and when I asked how he was in his relationship with his ex he replied "ok, its ok, its not perfect but its ok", we chatted about general stuff too and tbh I felt this 3rd party did acknowledge and felt a gooseberry on occasions.

Monday I texted him to say how I enjoyed the weekend and esp. our time together. I got no reply, but I know in a week or so we will meet again. What' s going on with him and his mind?

Obviously I would like something more and deep down I feel he does too but something somewhere is stopping him.....how do I play this, he knows I love him and I want more and he does love me.

Any suggestions?

Thanks

OP posts:
Dozer · 25/10/2016 23:31

Don't blame "lurve" or your heart for shoddy decisions and thinking that will, in any case, result only in angst and heartache. If you care about heart, take care of yours!

Teabay · 25/10/2016 23:33

Then don't give him up yet - follow his technique! Date a couple of other people, chat warmly about them to him and you'll see how he feels and how many lovely unattached people there are who would be devoted to you

clumsyduck · 25/10/2016 23:35

teabay
Yes!

Starlight2345 · 25/10/2016 23:43

One of my EX's was having an affair.. I wasn't angry he didn't want to be with me..Angry he didn't let me move on while he was busy shagging someone else.

In this case he is doing this to both of you. I think you need to block his number so you can move on...You deserve better than this.

Original poster
user1477428275 · 25/10/2016 23:45

bit hard as I come into contact with him at work.......

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 25/10/2016 23:47

How do you know he's not living with her?

Original poster
user1477428275 · 25/10/2016 23:50

Been to his house a few times recently and I know its not the family home

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 25/10/2016 23:50

I think you should just really try to imagine yourself in 5 years in the same situation whenever you find yourself about to flirt with him or wanting him. How depressing would that be?

Fairenuff · 25/10/2016 23:51

Why were at his house?

Myusernameismyusername · 25/10/2016 23:51

Why did you go to his house?

You can't be friends with this man. He's not your friend.

Original poster
user1477428275 · 25/10/2016 23:52

true.... myuser

Fairenuff..... nothing sexual, just friends, coffee, catch up

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 25/10/2016 23:57

We have remained in contact ever since. with periods of no contact, occasional texts as friends, meet occasionally at work too.

Going to his house is a bit more than that though.

Milklollies · 26/10/2016 00:00

Honestly if a man chose someone else over me then I'd tell him to do one. You need to put yourself first. No matter how great you think he is- he isn't that great.

Humblebee1 · 26/10/2016 00:02

Op, why, why do this to yourself? I can't understand why people wade into so much shit, and wonder why they are miserable. Shit happens to the best of us without seeking it out. Get out and move on, preferably with someone available.

JoJoSM2 · 26/10/2016 00:03

He's sending clear messages that he's not open and available for a relationship with you. You'll just end up upset - I can't see any positives in pursuing him.

forumdonkey · 26/10/2016 00:11

Are you absolutely sure he's back with his Exw? I think like tribpot, now you are free and available he doesn't want to commit to you. There may well be another OW and rather than admit that, he's saying he's trying to make it work with his DW. I don't buy it, the fact his dcs don even know their parents are back together, yet they're trying to make it work.

Move on from today, don't wait around for him to make the move or you'll set yourself up for heartache. If he does chose to be with you, brilliant, but don't put your life on hold, just in case he does.

MrsLupo · 26/10/2016 00:39

I think you need to find a way to view this man as having served his purpose in your life, OP. It sounds as though your relationship with him provided you with the impetus you needed to leave an unhappy marriage, but in all honesty, based on what you've written here, I think it's run its course. Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear. One day you'll be able to look back and be grateful for the escape route he gave you without feeling crap about how he messed you about. Sometimes it's just not meant to be.

TheNaze73 · 26/10/2016 07:54

It sounds like you've both been played & used. He gets the ultimate thing a bloke could ever want, in a relationship with the mother of his kids, yet not having to live with her & put up with the day to day routine bollocks.
You're best off avoiding him, he's no good for you.

Yourarejokingme · 26/10/2016 09:44

Could he actually be lying about being back with his ex wife And he isn't in a "relationship" with her at all. If the kids don't know what of contact with them or are they older, but saying that he'd surely want contact.

He does want his cake doesn't he.

A lot of mixed signals from him and you might not be having a full on affair but it's now an emotional one.

Time to stop and look at the bigger picture me thinks.

Block his number
Date
Get out and do other things
He isn't for you at all.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 26/10/2016 10:19

Don't hang on for him. Think how you would feel, to find out that your dh had slept with someone and still in contact. He is being deceiving and I feel sorry for hid wife.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 26/10/2016 10:20

'His' sorry typing error

JakeBallardswife · 26/10/2016 10:26

Yes agree with most of the other posters. He's sounding like a real charmer. Become unavailable if he wants to meet for anything else other than work related things. If it is a work thing can you meet with anyone else in his department instead?

It'll end up being better for you in the long run and you'll feel happier.

HappyJanuary · 26/10/2016 10:33

The only important fact is that, regardless of what is or isn't happening in his life, he knows you're single and hasn't pursued a relationship with you.

Whether he wants his wife, or someone else, or nobody at all is irrelevant. He doesn't want you. If he did, he'd be doing something about it.

What he does like is the massage his ego gets from knowing he could have you if he wanted. You are his back-up. Find some self respect and move on.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/10/2016 10:39

I was in a similar situation but no marriages or children.

This guy and I started talking. A lot. I knew I liked him but I had a boyfriend whom I couldn't split up with yet (going on holiday and I didn't want to make it awkward). He had a girlfriend he claimed to be really unhappy with.

Our conversations got really flirty but we said nothing would happen until we had both broken up with other people.

I broke up with BF and he came to visit me. He said he hadn't had chance to break it off with GF but he was definitely going to. I stupidly fell for that. He came to visit me another time after that and we talked all the time.

I didn't want to be the OW so I gave him the ultimatum of dump her or lose me. He said that he had been meaning to tell me for a while Hmm but he still loved his GF and wanted to give it another go. We tried to stay friends but he started getting flirty again so I cut it off completely. It felt like a knife through my heart at the time but it's been the best decision for me. I now have a wonderful DP and DD and I couldn't be happier. He eventually broke up with her (she dumped him) and now has another GF.

OP, you are better off without. He isn't going to change!

Sweets101 · 26/10/2016 10:46

Right now there is only one choice, and it's yours.
Do you want to maintain your self respect or not?
Even if you hang on and one day he comes round and chooses you, you will always know that you are not his first choice. Second choice at best. You know this because he has already told you. It'll chip away at you, your self esteem and eventually your relationship.
Or, you'll hang on just long enough for both of you to lose all respect for you and quite possibly come to despise you.

Or you get a grip of yourself, recognise that what the heart wants is sometimes far too damaging, listen to your head, maintain yourself respect and dignity and move on to a happier future. That is your only chance for a happy ever after in your current situation.