Please be gentle with me, Part 2

[StEthelburgaOfBarking]

I started a thread yesterday night, which some of you will remember.

I have now re-read it, and am in a panic that I might have outed myself, and that the man concerned might read it - so I'm starting this one instead.

I have read all your comments, and am very grateful to you all. I was scared to post yesterday because I thought I would be flamed for being pathetic - so thank you for not making me feel that way.

Several people mentioned counselling. I think this is a good idea, and I will go back to the GP (who, as I said, was very sympathetic) to ask again for a recommendation.

I think that part of my problem is that I had such a long marriage with no affection or warmth that I am at the moment bound to soak up any droplets of love.

The poster who said that I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other is right. And I suppose things have improved in a way. A few months back, I ended up in A&E. I was so desperately unhappy that I didn't know what else to do. I know it's a waste of resources, so please don't flame me for it. I just cried for about four hours. They eventually summoned a Crisis team. I had to pull myself together because I was afraid they would say I was too miserable to look after my DC - which is another reason I was scared of counselling (a fear that I would be deemed unstable and unable to look after them. Despite last night, I am normally pretty sane and responsible!)

I did ring the Samaritans a couple of times, just to cry. They were very helpful, just by being there. I do have a collection of very, very good friends - but I can't ring them at 2 AM. Especially not when I have bored on about this subject all day!

Those of you who said I have to try to build up a life that doesn't revolve around him are quite right. I feel it is impossible, but I know in my head that it isn't. In the same way, I know that I could love someone else one day - though that, too, seems impossible at the moment.

Evenings are the worst. That's when I get chance to dwell on 'why hasn't he rung me' etc. And I know that drinking is not the answer, as it just makes me feel worse after the initial (ten minute) anaesthetic effect.

Thank you, all.

Don't understand why in 2016 it is still not possible to edit posts on Mumsnet?

I hope OP you feel better today. Do you think you may try meditation?
Please, don't drink in the evenings as it doesn't help you at all. If he sees you like that he may freak out. Try meditation as it should make your mind stronger which you need.

Hi OP

Yes, I just caught up with part one....

As Dylan Moran said "gin isn't a drink, it's a mascara thinner". Nuff said.

I'm not doing down your feelings, but things always feel worse at night....alone...whilst drinking....and drinking gin. I don't know why specially gin. There's something in it that's just not good for some people. I'm one of them OP Anyway, all of the above is a bad combination. You wouldn't have been thinking clearly at all.

How are you feeling today? Will you have a talk with DP?

I read the thread from last night and saw a very scared insecure lady screaming for help and support.

I am very sorry you are in such a bad place.

Gin isn't the answer but you know that.

I really think you are taking the awful after effects from your awful marriage into your current relationship. You acknowledge that because you didn't get love from that marriage you are crying out for it now.

Stop blurring the two relationships.

You need to heal from your marriage first. All the lack of love, the way it made you feel needs addressing. That is your priority. Until you recover, you can't form a healthy relationship with any one else. Get counselling to unravel your feelings and hurt. You owe yourself this. You deserve this.
Counselling won't cause you to lose your children, it will if anything strengthen your bond with them.

Your current relationship is built on dodgy foundations because you are too needy, too dependent on it to 'fix' the past. You want too much from someone who due to their own sad past has issues of their own.

You need to focus on yourself, getting the help you need, to be a strong independent individual. Get counselling, focus on yourself and find the strong rounded individual that you are, buried under all the hurt and self doubt. You are stronger than you think. Reaching out to a counsellor isn't a sign of weakness, its a sign of strength, that you're ready to face the pain of the past and wanting a better future.

You're new relationship is irrelevant, it doesn't define you or help you. Only you can do that. So find your self worth and take that step.

I wish you well

My advice would be to journal.
It doesn't look good to be a needy adult.
But the journal won't care!!
In it can go all of the angst, the insecurity etc.
But also in it can begin the mending.
You stroke me as one of those old school women who thought a man was going to take care of you for life.
And how did that work out eh? Exactly.
So time to do all those things they say....get to know yourself, learn how to support yourself, increase your confidence.
I'd really recommend a journal, for those long nights of needing feedback (which you can give to yourself) and needing to make a plan.
Get self help books, write about why they relate to you, make a plan and learn how to support yourself through that plan.
Do not constantly lean on others for it is a huge turn off I think.

I think that your other thread may have been your watershed moment. If you re-read it (and I think you should try and print or save it for yourself) you will see quite a bit of self knowledge. As you say, you know what you need to do, you just have to start doing it.

So, take one day (or evening) at at time. Acknowledge that there will be pain and it will be hard. But acknowledge also that with time and effort that pain will go away and it will become easy.

Keep busy. Set a timer to keep from contacting him. If you can, get out in the evening for a brisk walk. Seek counseling so you can discover what you truly want in life and how to get it. But, above all, stop drinking (at least for now). If you find that difficult, seek help.