Tell me good things about being long term single as an older woman

[LittleOyster]

I am currently in a bad marriage that I am trying to work my way out of. I am determined that, once free of this relationship, I shall never again live with or become financially entangled with a man. However I do hope that one day, however far in the future, I might meet someone and fall in love. However, my DM has advised me to come to terms with the fact that I may not ever meet anyone else. She thinks it's important that I leave my marriage with this understanding. This thought makes me sad because romantic love (or at least the idea of it) has always been important to me. And I suppose I find the prospect of many years of being without a partner somewhat daunting (I am 34 currently). However, given my experiences, I can certainly see the advantages of singlehood. So I am posting here to ask those of you who have experience of thus kind of lifestyle if you would share your experiences/reflections. I love to hear that it's possible to live a full and happy life without a partner, as it would really diminish many of my fears of separating.

TIA

Another poster who thought you were going to be in your 50s/60s! I think my DM thinks you just put up with crap in a relationship too. She has been married 30+years and won't leave but isn't happy. My sister is in a LTR with someone who's a bit crap but I'm the crazy one for being long-term single

Don't stay out of fear of the future.

Your mother wants to keep you married to your current partner. That's all there is to it.

Of course you're going to meet someone!

I left a long term relationship of ten years when I was 31, had a few years single, and am now happily married. But I can honestly say that those years that I was single in my thirties were some of the happiest of my life. After being so unhappy for so long, it was brilliant having my own space, making my own decisions, and doing exactly what I wanted to do. I vividly remember standing in my tiny flat once I was free and just dancing; feeling so joyful and ecstatic that the weight had lifted. It was a million times easier to be single than to be in a relationship where we were both so unhappy.

My DM has a lot of single women friends in their 60s and they just generally seem happy. I have noticed that they all have good support networks, and they make a deliberate effort to be there for each other, but they also seem to have the most incredibly active lives; socialising, doing hobbies, travelling etc. Nothing to hold them back, really. Many of her married friends seem attached to these grumpy, depressed men.

I'm 46, last relationship split amicably when I was 27, shagged around for a couple of years and no sex since I was 30. I see other people (men and women) ground down by shit relationships and would rather stick pins in my eyes than go through that.

You shouldn't be trying to find reasons to be single, if being married is making you unhappy then that is your reason

34 is very young. You have lots of time ahead of you to find another long term fulfilling relationship if you want. However I'm 51 and I have a few younger lovers and have a brilliant time. Life for ' older women' has changed so much these days that you can have a fantastic time as a single woman.

And anyway much better to be a happy single woman of any age, than in a miserable relationship!

34 LMFAO! 😂

Goodness I thought you'd be 60ish reading that... I've been single for almost two years - I'm 48. Never been married, have a 5 year old, had relationships on and off. The last one lasted 7 years. I'm honestly quite happy on my own. I never lose sight of the idea that there's all sorts of fun to be had in life single or with someone. Don't let life pass you by.

Why would you not meet anyone else in, say, the next 34 years? (i.e. BEFORE you become an older woman!) Do you live on a remote Scottish island?

Having said that, you shouldn't base your choice of whether to leave on how quickly you can get a new partner. If you need to leave, you need to leave. And how sad if you think you are not enough on your own to enjoy life, pursue your interests and make friends. Maybe you need to work on loving yourself?

Well!
Being an "older woman" at the age of 61. If I manage to meet partners since I left my grumpy, controlling, abusive, lazy, impotent, ungrateful, LTP of over 30 years, I'm sure you will. Best thing I ever did. If only Mumsnet existed when I was 34...
Your mother is most probably frightened that you WILL meet some one else and that you will neglect her somewhat. Or that you will not miss out on things like she did.

Love yourself, love life. Enjoy life.

Yes, Nowstrong, hooray for Mumsnet! So glad to hear you have made this change for the better in your life.

I suppose by 'older' I was imagining how I might feel in thirty years time, if I had not met anyone else.

Thanks so much to everybody who has posted with words of encouragement. There are so many inspiring and happy stories here that I shall re-read on days when I am feeling despondent.

I'm definitely not looking for a soul mate or a 'happily ever after'. I'd run a mile from cohabitation or - yikes - remarriage. I am coming to accept that I am just not made for domesticity. However, in the past I have definitely allowed myself to become totally absorbed in relationships, expecting them to make everything else right (I stupidly married on the rebound from a very bad breakup). So I think a good amount of time alone will certainly required, in order that I can build my confidence in myself. Right now I am working on getting a job, sorting out my finances and trying to make some more friends (I don't have many, which encourages me to over-rely on romantic partners).

KateLives, sorry to hear that you are also struggling in a bad marriage. Good luck.

Good plan OP
I'm horrified by the number of posters here who say they are in a miserable relationship and have no friends
Living with someone isn't for me either.
Go forth and enjoy!

Thanks very much, Lorelei.

But in reality you need to choose to leave to be on your own and build a full and happy life without a man. Because it's only when you're strong and independent you'll find someone worth having

^this, said by Garlic I think. If you follow that you can't go far wrong, and if it happens it happens, if not, there will probably many other wonderful things that happen throughout your life :-).

I think people probably over-romanticise coupledom. I was reading recently it was only after the 12th century that love between a man and a woman became so idealised. Before then "love" was considered such a powerful, and potentially spiritual dangerous experience it should only really take place between a guru/spiritual guide/teacher and their student! Love was, I guess, mainly for the Gods.

I think I said on another thread recently I was on holiday recently (I am single btw) and I noticed a lot of British couples at the hotel and they looked half-dead and miserable! There were a few who seemed much more 'together' and even in love but not that many. I think for a lot of people marriage and relationships are just practical things, its what "you do" because its what your parents do. And some people are more suited to the single life anyway, for whatever reason, from Germaine Greer to Theresa of Avila.

OP!!

Like other posters I thought you were going to be at least 60!

I am almost 29 and at least half of my friends are still single, and probably won't be getting hitched in the next few years - you are bonkers to be worried about eternal singledom!

My husband was 29 when we met and had the emotional age of a 21 yr old – many men your age and older will be significantly less mature than you.

Thanks, FromTheTree. It's very interesting to take the long view of love. We give romantic love such centrality in our epoch, don't we?

I definitely think that I am going to try to cultivate as many other types of 'love' relationships as possible - with friends, siblings, and of course my DD. It might stop me forever hankering after Mr McDreamy, which would be no bad thing!

You're 34!!!!!

Thank you, Quim. I have a habit of going for older me (H is 46), maybe this is what is making me think/feel older than my years??

Either you Mum is one of those 'old before your time' types or she is trying to put the fear of god into you as she thinks it will be better if you stay. Either way, stop with the doom and gloom!!

Largely irrelevant, because you need to get out.

The possibility of meeting a 'love' without throwing your whole lot into it is also possible. Many (sensible) people are a lot more cautious and retain their independence 2nd time around. Doesn't mean there is no love...

The world it out there... go and find it :-)

34!!!????!!
The world is your oyster and there are many wonderful and relationships waiting for you. My goodness me I thought you were going to say you are in your 70s!
Get out of your marriage, lick your wounds for a while then get out there and enjoy your life.

I thought you had one foot in the grave lol

Better a good single life than staying in a bad marriage.

I had a great single life between marriages and I married again at 63 after meeting dh when divorced ( just) and 56.

I only wanted a cinema, meal, days out companion but got a husband instead...so be very careful who you date. He might be lovely, caring, kind affectionate, sexy...and before you know it...bang...you might not just be shacked up together ...you might end up like me...shackled together... < grin>

Thanks, all.

I wouldn't mind being shackled to a man such as you describe, Dowser. Where can I find myself one?!

My mum said something very similar to me when my very long relationship ended this year. I was 49 at the time and recently turned 50 - can't believe I'm that age and single, but I am. I hope the rest of my life will be great and that I'll meet someone in the future to have a fulfilling relationship with. As some posters have already said, I don't plan to co-habit again though.

Sounds like you've done the really hard bit, Cat and are now on track to make a very fulfilling life for yourself. Good luck.

And I am of your mind on the issue of co-habitation. Who needs the hassle?!