Frustrated - DH doesn't want to do ANYTHING

[SparkleSausage]

Ok I need some perspective here please. DH & I have a generally happy marriage, we have a 4 month old DD and obviously things have been a bit stressful but no more than usual with a newborn (I don't think)
We moved to a new area near DHs parents when I was pregnant and since having the baby I've made a huge effort to get out and meet new friends/go to groups etc and me & DD have a lovely little social life. DH works freelance and has between 1 and 4 days off a week. He's generally good round the house and pulls his weight with everything BUT when he's off work he just wants to stay at home all the time. We have only done a handful of outings together as a family since DD was born. He generally sits on the sofa looking at his phone, never ever suggests going out and any of my suggestions are met with such a lukewarm response that I usually give up and find something else to do instead. We have a happy DD who is generally pretty easy to deal with and he doesn't do any of the night time get ups so I don't accept he's too tired... He's just lazy! I sometimes wonder where the DH I met has gone! Why doesn't he want to make an effort to spend nice time together? Do I need to just give him a break? Every time I bring it up we end up arguing and he says he'll do whatever I'd like to do. Is it unreasonable to expect some thought or initiative?! I'm genuinely confused!

He needs a rocket! If he doesn't get his finger out a bit you are going to end up being totally fed up with him in a very short space of time.

Tell him this!!

I have one of those but he has a busy job and we have three kids (two with autism) but I do all the day to day stuff. Come the weekend he sits about on his phone and doesn't really want to do a lot. I feel for you it's as frustrating as hell.

My husband is like this. He never wants to go anywhere. So DD (16) and I go out without him.

We have dragged him out reluctantly before but he spoils it for us because he clearly isn't enjoying himself. He really only likes going to the pub, going for walks and watching rugby.

The one time we persuaded him to come to the zoo with us the chimps escaped and the zoo was evacuated.
He doesn't like doing the things we do and we don't like doing the things he does. But it isn't a problem at all for either of us.

That's the pits. What did he expect family life to be like? I think you should actually ask him this question. When there's an opportunity to get out you should do, it definitely makes babies particularly more enjoyable and everyone feels better after a nice autumn walk if nothing else, (at that age you can still even go out for nice food!). It took me a long time to hammer this into my dh that we need to make an effort. Even now I usually make the suggestions but he's more amenable to activities at least.

What did you together before you had the baby? Has it changed since then?

My dh is like this- he's so negative and lazy. In the past he's said no before I've finished saying "shall we go...". What's worse if I just go somewhere he moans about being left out!

Thankfully we did have a long chat (read weeping breakdown on my part) where I explained how tiresome it is. It made me lonely. It doesn't set much of an example to dds either. He recognised what was happening - 'me becoming resentful and him old before his time- and he works to not get stuck in a rut. He is much better now and compromise has been reached. I can't see us getting to a point where he'd make suggestions though

Go out a lot. Ask him if he wants to come too. If so, book a babysitter. If not, leave him looking after the baby.

I agree with RunRabbit

Could your DH have social anxiety disorder? It sounds like he is avoiding meeting people. He is happy and comfortable at home with you but anything outside that seems like 'a threat'. Also the thing with social anxiety is the less contact you have with people outside home, the more it increases. Having said that, the fact that he doesn't get up at night to do any feeds is a worry too. As he's freelance he can't use the excuse of getting no sleep. Could he be depressed? Generally people would have some sort of interest in leaving the house or doing something. Does he do any hobbies on his own? Or meet his own friends or anything like that?

If he says he'll do whatever you'd like to do, start there. Plan an outing, tell him where you're all going. Tell him what he needs to do. Ignore the lukewarm attitude / lack of initiative. Just get him out and doing. That may help.

But - depressed people don't necessarily look or feel sad. Sometimes they just can't see the point of getting off the sofa and are convinced their loved ones are better off without them.

in our house most weekends

Me: what do you want to do?
Him: don't know

Come Saturday, he doesn't get out of bed till gone10 am by which time I have got fed up and taken the kids out to the pool/park etc.

Then, he has the audacity to complain that we never do anything.

Get out of your fucking bed, you arse.

OMG that feels better :)