Arsehole BIL and what to do for the best

[MusicalFuckYouParty]

NC'd for this but am a regular. This is going to be a bit of an essay, so apologies in advance.

Long story short, DH and his DB fell out about 4 years ago. This was DH's (then DP's) fault - they lived together at the time, I'd not long escaped a violent relationship (DH and I got together soon after, we'd been friends previously though), and DH moved me into his house with my baby DS. It was a big move for me, about 5 hours from my hometown. DH told me he'd cleared it with his DB, and that he was fine with me moving in - there's no way I'd have done it had he not been okay with the idea.

It turns out that no, his DB was not okay with it. He confronted me when we were on our own one day, and said he'd had no idea I was moving in, and was seriously pissed off about it. I was shocked, told him I was under the impression that he'd known and given his approval, and suggested we talk to DH together and try to sort it out. He stormed off. DH came home from work, I asked him what the fuck was going on, he admitted that he'd only sent his DB a text to tell him I was moving in and had had no reply! Now, I KNOW DH is the one who fucked up here, and there's no denying he was absolutely in the wrong.

The atmosphere at home was awful. BIL ignored us both, unless I was in the kitchen washing up, in which case he'd dump all his dirty plates in the sink and storm off. Eventually, I'd had enough of it, and told DH to clear the air with him. DH has always seemed a bit scared of his (10 years younger) DB, and was reluctant too cowardly to 'upset' him, so I knocked on BIL's door and told him this needed to be sorted out once and for all, as the current situation was helping nobody.

BIL told me to fuck off. I repeated that we had to sort things out. He shoved me, hard, knocking me over. He then proceeded to slam my foot in the door several times, resulting in a trip to hospital to check nothing had been broken. DH helped me up, but said nothing to his DB. As I mentioned above, I wasn't long out of a violent relationship, and I was distraught.

BIL was forced by MIL to apologise to me, but it was completely insincere and wouldn't have happened had MIL not put him under duress. The atmosphere continued til BIL moved out a few months later. He refused to speak to DH following that.

DH's DGM died recently, and her funeral was a couple of weeks ago. I had the DC so couldn't attend, but DH went on his own. BIL was there, he shook DH's hand and they made small talk. DH seemed disproportionately delighted about this - in the past, he'd had very low self esteem, and always tried to please the wrong people. The worse he was treated, the more he'd try to do to please that person. That might have some bearing here.

On his return home, DH sent BIL a text, thanking him for shaking his hand and saying he hoped they could move on. BIL hasn't replied, and it doesn't look like he had any intention of doing so - no doubt he was keeping the peace in order to save my already distraught MIL from any further upset at the funeral, but had no real interest in smoothing things over with DH.

Now DH is very eager to build bridges, and he's upset that I'm not very supportive about it. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that falling out with close family is awful, but I know DH is very often too keen to sweep past issues under the carpet. He's grown a lot of backbone in the nearly 5 years we've been together, and doesn't take nearly as much shit, but this business with BIL is a bone of contention between us. The thanking him for the handshake just came across as desperate to me, like a dog who still rolls over even when it's been kicked. DH says I need to stop bearing a grudge, and to support him, to which I replied how can he be so happy to make up with someone who assaulted his now wife?

I really don't know what to do for the best here. I'm the first to admit that I'm a champion grudge holder - I have BPD, so I'm all too aware that my thinking is very black and white when I've been wronged - but I don't think that BIL should be forgiven so easily. I know for a fact that DH wouldn't ever bring up what happened, nor would he say that I needed a proper apology. I've made it clear that whilst DH is free to build bridges with BIL, he's not welcome in my house (and yeah, I do get the irony there!).

So what do I do? Do I let this go for DH's sake? Is there any way around this? Thanks for reading, if you got this far!

I could never forgive your BIL for what he did. You feel his apology was forced and he isn't exactly knocking your door down to make things right now - your husband is reaching out to him despite the fact that he treated you so badly and showed little remorse for it.

Yes in an ideal world everyone would get on well but your BIL assaulted you. This isn't just a run of the milk argument. It was an assault. I would be livid with my DH if he was behaving in the same way as yours is!! Thanking him for a hand shake?!

And to those of you who blame the OP for the BIL's behaviour - get a grip of yourselves and think about what really happened.

That said I think there is more of a back story than we know about. I suspect that your DH did other things to piss him off prior to moving you in and that this was probably the last straw.

Tempus, I think I'll suggest counselling to him, but the thing with DH is that he thinks counselling is something you do when a major issue crops up - he doesn't see this as a recent enough thing (although it clearly is), and probably doesn't think a counsellor would be interested or would be able to help.

As I said in my OP, I have BPD and this can affect my personal relationships quite negatively - I hold grudges, cut people off easily, and have a very black and white way of thinking, but I honestly believe that in this instance, my thought processes aren't disordered in any way. My response to BIL's behaviour feels rational and rooted in ACTUAL events, not perceived slights, which is 'normal' in a BPD context. I don't feel that my emotional response has been blown out of proportion here. However, I may discuss the matter with my own therapist first to see what she recommends - I'm receiving ongoing treatment from the MH services, and am actually doing quite well at managing my more negative thought processes, and can differentiate 'real' from 'perceived'. No doubt someone will come along and point out that people with BPD are notorious for aggravating and confrontational behaviour though

pluck, that makes a LOT of sense. I said to DH that I'm concerned that his keenness to roll over and put himself at BIL's mercy in order to build bridges, is sending him a message of submission and is giving him all the power. That probably sounds rather dramatic, but in the context of all that's happened, I believe my concerns are justified, and not exaggerated or disordered.

I was certainly a very easy target at the time. I'd been absolutely destroyed in my previous relationship, I hadn't even begun to recover or piece my shattered sense of self back together. I had PTSD too, which a couple of years of psychotherapy has helped to address, but I was incredibly vulnerable and I was still very much in the mindset of a victim of abuse - I couldn't stand my ground or fight back, and the people accusing me of getting in BIL's face on here don't seem to understand the mechanics of abuse. DH had offered me a fresh start, which I grabbed with both hands believing it was all above board, and I don't believe that anyone in my position would've turned that down when the alternative was so bleak.

harverina, it's not a run of the mill argument, you're right! This is why I keep saying I don't believe my reactions to it are disproportionate, BPD or not.

If there's a backstory, I'm genuinely not aware of it. I doubt DH is too, to an extent - he went through an extended period of not seeing how his behaviour affected others, because his boundaries were nonexistent. I've had to point out to him, on countless occasions over the years, how some of his actions were rooted in selfishness and how those actions can negatively affect others. Part of him was still a child in a dysfunctional environment, telling fibs to avoid getting into trouble, and burying his head in the sand when things got hairy. I'm guessing it was a weird form of self preservation, and believing that he was incapable of keeping anyone happy unless he went along with whatever they demanded of him.

Quite the essay there!

I stopped reading at 'just a shove' and 'why did you leave your foot in the door'. Sorry OP - disgusting victim-blaming on this thread.

kitty, as soon as I read the foot in the door comment, I knew the knives were out for me on this thread. Some people are determined to trivialise matters and undermine my reaction to the situation. Good job I didn't start the thread when I was still very vulnerable and stuck in the mindset of an abuse victim - I would've taken every bit of it to heart. Thank you for being kind.

musical I don't think most rational people would put this down to "holding a grudge" or your BPD (ignore any fuckwits trying to minimise what happened) - your BIL committed a criminal offence!

I understand your DH's reluctance towards counselling, to admit it might benefit him would mean him losing his ability to stick his fingers in his ears and go "lalalah" to any situation or emotions that make him feel uncomfortable. But there's only so long he can carry on through life sticking his head in the sand without it eventually all blowing up around him. And you'll get fed up with bailing him out emotionally.

There are any awful lot of goady fuckers on MN these days Musical. Complete agree about posters being vulnerable and how destructive it can be to get attacked. It's very important for you to set and maintain clear boundaries around yourself in this situation.

BIL sounds like an arsehole but I cannot begin to imagine my fury if my 11 year older sibling unilaterally moved their partner and baby into my home without even asking. Maybe its the age difference as well, it's quite large, must have felt like living with parents again. It's not your fault at all OP, you had the best of intentions but I do have some sympathies with your BIL and I think your DH sounds frustratingly wet.

Tempus, this is what I've told him - I've said he's a grown man who needs to acknowledge that actions have consequences, and sometimes they're not very nice ones. I also said that my response is in direct proportion to the size of the transgression. He's having to think past his own learned behaviour (submission in the face of confrontation), which is something he still struggles with. It's overwhelmingly obvious that a third party in the form of an impartial counsellor could aid this - discussing these things with immediate family is too emotionally charged, and also feeds into the 'sweep it under the carpet, keep the peace' mentality.

Does your husband's attitude (in general) affect your DC? Or is this something you can live with for however long it takes?

kitty, I completely agree. I don't regret starting the thread, as I've had some very constructive support and advice amongst all the shit slinging, and it's allowed me to get my thoughts out and process them properly instead of stewing and getting myself into a tizzy! It's the wilful misunderstanding and the inability of some posters to focus on my original question that's really bloody frustrating.

Nicki, I completely understand why BIL was fuming, and I've never tried to minimise that. It's his actions due to the anger that trouble me, hence why I'm asking for advice as to how I should deal with the matter going forward.

DH definitely has his own issues with standing up to people - a fear of confrontation such as his is maddening at times. Believe it or not, he HAS got better, but it's a lifetime of submissive behaviour that we're trying to work through here, and that's challenging at times. I'm doing my best, but I do acknowledge that my own emotional disregulation often means I struggle to not be as impartial as I'd like to be, which is why I posted in the first place - I needed people to help me look at the situation impartially without my own negative feelings clouding it, if you see what I mean.

Tempus, I have no concerns about his attitude affecting our DC - he's a wonderful, loving father and fights like a lion for them if needs be. I think this is something that's going to take time, but as long as the DC know he's supportive of them and will be throughout their lives, to me that's progress and he knows that to model submissive behaviour will impact them negatively - he is trying.

0dfod, that's really kind of you, thank you It hasn't been easy, especially as I have a dual diagnosis with bipolar disorder too, but learning that a lot of my recovery is in my own hands has really spurred me on to try and manage things as best I can.

I would keep out of it. I would also insist that your husband seeks counselling. It's not your job to be his therapist and I imagine you'll eventually grow very resentful about this.

Matrix, I completely agree that being his therapist would do neither of us any favours - I'm his wife, not his carer, and something like counselling is best left to the professionals!

I intend to keep out of it, for my own mental health if anything. As PPs have said, it looks like BIL coming back into our lives may not even become an issue - I just wanted to be prepared in case it did happen.

Bloody hell, I'm astounded that some people are minimising what happened to you!

Your Bil knocked you to the ground, and then repeatedly slammed your foot in the door, so much so, that you were hospitalised. And some people are making excuses for your Bil's behaviour. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ASSAULT.

I'm shocked that you didn't have him arrested for assault (I would have done). I'm also quite shocked that you went on to marry your DH, when he did nothing to defend you and wants a friendship with your attacker! If anyone did that to me, my DH would knock them out.

I do not have BPD, and I can tell you right now, that you are not over reacting. I would never trust this man again. And fwiw, I couldn't stay with your DH. He is betraying you in the worst way possible. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I suspect that your DH did other things to piss him off prior to moving you in and that this was probably the last straw.

Then BIL "should" have attacked his older brother. Instead he took it out on an easier victim.

I have BPD but it didnt make me move into a house where I wasnt welcome and expect someone else who didnt know me to support me financially.

BPD doesnt give you excuses.

More deliberate misunderstanding Flab?

OP, the more I read, the more impressed I am by how well you've dealt with the issues in your life and worked on your own recovery.

I still don't quite understand where Flab is getting this 'financially supported by BIL' bullshit from. I don't use BPD as an excuse either, but anyone on here with half a brain has already deduced that.

Sang, thank you. I think Flab may be projecting slightly.

I have three siblings and if any of them needed me to live with their other half and baby I would gladly do so because I fucking love them.

Totally this ^^^^^^^

Flabulous applying your logic, all SAHM that are financially supported by their DH, should accept being assaulted. Really? Really?

Had he pushed her, she stumbled and fell, and then he was horrified and apologised and helped her to her feet, that's still wrong, but maybe maybe could be smoothed over. But that's not what happened. He shoved her so hard she fell to the ground. Her foot was in the doorway, so he repeatedly slammed the door on to her foot, so much so, that she thought that bones may have been broken. That IS assault. No "LOL" needed here.

If you would accept this from anyone if your life, you need serious help.

As I said, so many goady fuckers....