DB bullying 75 year old Mum

[tormentil]

I spoke to my Mum last night. She said, 'I'm waiting for your horrible drunk of a brother to get home so that I can give him his tea which is waiting for him.' On further probing, I discovered that DB, who is 49, is regularly drinking at weekends, coming home drunk and being abusive.

Mum hates the way he behaves, but if she tries to talk about it, he argues with her and gets aggressive. He's my younger brother and bullied me in childhood, I know how horrible he is, but he's always been Mum's favourite and I've been a lone voice.

Dad died last July and she's had a lot to deal with. She doesn't need this. How can DB be so inconsiderate and selfish? I have another very much younger brother who also living at home - he's in a steady job, does his share of the cooking and housework and pays his way. Mum said that when he steps in to support her, 'well, then it's fisticuffs'.

At the moment I'm too far away and can't travel to be there with Mum. My son will go shortly and spend the weekend there. He has a better relationship with DM than I do and will cheer her up. But practical solutions are needed. If I thought my youngest DB would do it, I'd say call the police the next time this kicks off - but I suspect that he's not assertive enough and Mum would be too ashamed...

Any thoughts?

Sorry to hear about this OP. What a terrible situation. Perhaps if your mum is unwilling to involve the police at this moment in time, your younger DB could keep a diary of incidents ready for when the police may have to get involved.

I don't have much advice to offer but hopefully someone more qualified comes along soon. Best of luck

I wouldn't send my son there whilst this is ongoing. I know that feels like punishing your mum but I don't think it is good for your son to witness abuse from your brother.

Do not send your son to your mother's house.

Unfortunately your mother has a very unhealthy co-dependent and enabling sort of relationship with your badly behaved brother. You wrote it yourself; he has always been her favourite - and he still is. She still waits on him, enables him and rewards his bad behaviour. She is part of the reason why he behaves the ways he does, she has to take some responsibility here for the part she has played here. Nothing is going to change unless she herself has a sea change of attitude which is unlikely.

I would raise your boundaries higher with your mother and make yourself less available to her.

Poor you and your younger brother! Does the younger one come off badly in these exchanges of "fisticuffs"? Would he be able to press charges, or would your mother lean on him?

Definitely don't let your son go. Who knows: she may try to get him onside, undermining you and your other brother!

Oh! I didn't realise that people had replied. I stopped checking after no one replied after two days. Thought my post had got lost... Thank you for responding.

I contacted my siblings and my three children - thought that I should see if everyone was as concerned as me. Two of my three siblings replied. Younger DB said that Mum was 'just having a bit of a moan' and that yes, these things had definitely happened, but there was no way to change things at the moment as bullying DB is managing some of my late father's business and until this is dealt with he has to be tolerated. DSis thinks there is nothing to be concerned about. DS (27)is a regular visitor anyway, he took his girlfriend for a weekend visit and concentrated on giving Mum an opportunity to enjoy herself and only addressed the subject with younger DB.

I'm horrified that this is going on and that not one of my siblings think that this is unacceptable. But I can't act alone and if they don't think it's a problem, then I'll have to leave it. just support younger DB as much as possible.

Attila I rarely talk to my Mum. We have a very awkward relationship. She wasn't asking me for help. However, she's 75 and recently widowed and family dynamics are changing.
Pluck Neither Mum nor younger DB would consider involving the police.

So he has a financial hold over them, which also won't last forever, at least as far as the youngest DB is concerned.

Do you think the other siblings feel the same, but perhaps don't trust you not to mention them, in some argument with the violent and controlling brother?

Hopefully your DS is still young enough to take your POV on board, so he doesn't get sucked in to any continuation after this financial matter is completed!

It sounds very complicated and very enmeshed.