do i follow through?

[sistabreeze]

I have posted on here in the past about H's cocaine problem.

The thing is that I told him i would leave if he took it again, and well, he has, so now i have to decide if i'm following through with my threat or not...

We are in the process of buying a house, moving to the other side of the country, we have two dd's aged 2yrs and 6mnths.

I have made threats/ ultimatums in the past about coke and eithor followed through then gone back on my decision, or just stuck my head in the sand. Basically i think he just thinks i will always be arround and so never takes me seriously.

help!

Easily said I know but I don't really see what option you have apart from to leave and not come back until he has got help and been off it for some time. Leaving doesnt have to be forever just until he has been clean and gotten help for a reasonable amount of time.

What do you think will happen if you don't follow through? I mean could this have been a one-time-only slip for which he is begging your forgiveness and promising anything and everything to get you to stay? If no, I don't think you have much choice.

An easy judgement for someone else to make but I would have to follow through. I have a friend in a similar situation and things keep getting worse. She never follows through and now social services are involved. She loves her DH very much but his drug & alcohol problems are ruining everything and starting to effect the children. He also smokes a huge amount of weed and it is effecting his behaviour and changing him. He is not the man she married.

Only you can make the decision but this has to stop somewhere, how much longer can you go on, how much longer before you children start to notice there is a problem.

I hope you make the right decision for you and your family. Good Luck x

I think you have to stop trying to control the situation and ask yourself if it is something you can live with if he doesn't stop? It doesn't sound like he is or has taken your threats seriously. Is it something you would prefer he didn't do or can you really not live with it?

you have too tbh
to make him see that you are standing your ground
even if it is just for the night or a few days to scare him into thinking that
YOU are totally fed up with it
maybe it will give him the kick up his arse that he needs to see that you mean business

good luck sweetie
xxx

Basically i feel that i should go and like hercules1 said, wait till he gets himself sorted out and shows real commitment to us as a family. But my head then kicks in with all the what if's etc, such as what about the house we are buying, all the money spent on it already, where will we live, and how? am 100% financially dependant on h.

He is in therapy but not sure if he's addressing coke problem there. it used to be weekly, but now he goes in a
cycle of every two months he gets completly off his head.
so it's not all the time but it is erroding all trust between us. And the dd's have to put up with me being completly stressed out.

I want to leave but i'm scared.

For reasons I won't go into I once made a 'threat' of leaving - and I honestly would have followed through (and still would if ever DH renaged on his promise).

If you don't, you are saying that you never will, he can do what he likes and that he doesn't need to take any notice of you. You may decide you're not able to follow through but if you don't be aware of the consequences.

Personally, in your situation, I would leave if I was financially able to. Especially before you commit yourself to the house and move. You're going to need your friends around you if you do this.

So hard for you - big for you and your babies.

I suppose the problem is what message are you sending him if you dont go? What reason has he got for stopping if nothing will change?

If you wat to but don't know how you could start a thread in the lone parents section - there are lots of mums there who'll have good practical advice for you.

To put it simply, you are always going to want to leave, and you are always going to be scared. Until you do it, nothing will change. Forget the house, concentrate on what you and your dds need. Can you seriously imagine someone else saying to you "my children's father is a coke addict but other than that, everything's great"? Please don't put your girls through this childhood.

Contact - or at least investigate - the women's aid charities for victims of domestic violence.You don't have to be being regularly kicked round the kitchen to ask them for help and advice and/or see what resources are available to you.
And (I don't know your situation, obviously) cokeheads do get violent sometimes. Cokeheads can get psychotic. Don't wait till it happens.
Finally, if you're thinking about the financial considerations, it's probably better to be living on a restricted state-given income than with a cokehead who might well spend the rent on coke and smack you one when you ask where the money went.

madamez he has never been violent or paranoid, but i suppose it could happen one day.
he isnt doing it all the time just once every 2 months seems to be the pattern emerging.

i have never been on any benefits and so have no idea about whats available, would the cab have info maybe?

thank you all for your words and thoughts