EA - still feeling the pain

[MsColouring]

Nearly six years after me and exh split, I find myself crying in the middle of the night remembering the night he walked out and then came back and had a go at me and I was huddled in a corner crying because I felt so small.

I have moved on and remarried, have my own place and am successful in my job. DC are with exh every other weekend and half the holidays - they are with him now.

The divorce was extremely difficult and he used every opportunity to twist the knife. I got a bad deal financially and there is a court order in place for contact. He now does not communicate and is very passive aggressive. He does not pay anything towards the children.

Will the scars always be there from EA? 90% of the time I feel like a strong survivor of a divorce but every now and then I have a massive crisis of confidence and feel like the crap person he always made me feel like.

I'm going through this right now with XH, only 2 years since breakup though. We're in child arrangement litigation etc - he's also using every opportunity like you say. Antidepressants and therapy have helped me cope as well as writing here on MN and reading others' views.

I was bullied at school and my parents were quite weird when I was growing up, so I always had a low self esteem and in some ways latched on to EA XH because he would big me up in many ways - as long as it was on his terms! He encouraged my career etc but when I finally had some success in that, he wasn't happy at all.

I've been helped hugely by the luck of having found my new DP (a year together now nearly) who has not got an ounce of EA in him.

I really recommend therapy... or some confidence coaching. I have had both and it really helps. I started both even before we broke up with XH, to deal with the bullying trauma etc. I hope you find the help you need

Thank you user. I've had counselling in the past and have great friends and family around me as well as my dh. I could probably do with some more counselling tbh. Most people think I'm really strong - which I mostly am. Part of me wishes I could erase that whole part of my life but then I wouldn't be where I am now.