Help with marriage potentially going down bad road

[Diffdaff]

Not really sure where I am going with this, it's a bit of a jumble but I am hoping some fresh eyes can give me some perspective on this. Will try not to drip feed, apologies if I do.

Been with DH nearly ten years, have 3 DC under nine including a toddler. He has a high powered job, I freelance from home around the kids. He is quite authoritarian, finds it difficult to cope with/express emotions. I am quite easy going (and he does agree with this description but in the interests of balance says I am very tactless).

First problem is that I feel like he goes to work and absolutely everything else is my job. I feel absolutely frazzled. This makes me feel resentful.

Our sex life has dwindled to nothing. Partly due to exhaustion and going to bed at different times, partly I think because it is always bloody me who has to initiate it and also because (sorry to be shallow) he has put on loads of weight but it is not even that (I am not as slim as I was, either!) - but he has given up with his appearance generally, is always farting and sometimes skips a day or two having a shower. Not v enticing, even though there is a fanciable person under there.

I just feel he doesn't take that much interest in me and I just feel fed up. I motivate myself, I get affection from my kids and other friends and family (not him). I feel like I have given up with him a bit. I don't feel like we are in a relationship. I feel like we are just co-parents. As he finds it impossible to discuss anything without getting angry (I find him quite paranoid) I just sort of soldier on. It seems a waste.

If we do argue, he can be very nasty. I mean, we all say bad things in the heat of a row but he really plumbs the depths. And he has shouted at me in front of the children :-( Anyway, having s bit of a row the other day he told me he actually keeps a list of what negative things I have said to him in rows (who does this?! And why?)

I don't think our relationship is dead but I think we are on a bad road. I feel angry with him about a few things and I don't know how to get past them.

For the record, I think he does actually love me, I know he loves the kids, and his parents had a really toxic relationship and this had an impact. But he is stroppy, difficult, and frankly sometimes I feel I wish I was with someone who showed their love in a simple way and who I felt was actually on my side.

I have a father with dementia, lots of projects going on even without the rigours of home and our lovely kids and the amount of support/affection/interest I get I think sometimes I would be better off without him (but wouldn't want to do that to the kids). Again in the interests of balance, he too says he feels starved of affection. I am probably not that affectionate as I feel drained and quite pissed off with him.

Am I missing something? Any advice gratefully received....also he doesn't seem to be talking to me at the moment (I am away and he hasn't picked up my calls or texted me, or called me). We had a row yesterday and he raised his voice and bellowed at me within earshot of the kids - again. I should be the one not fricking talking to HIM.

Sounds really difficult and stressful - I feel for you. I don't have any advice, except to ask if you have considered counselling? It might help you to listen to each other and get a bit of perspective.

Thanks for the reply. I have thought about it. He thinks counselling is the death knell of a relationship. I feel like I have lost sight of what is 'normal'. I keep soldiering on but it is all rather joyless just now.

you have already said what the problem is and it is TOXIC!!!!!!! get out, he is taking you for a fool and knows you will do all the work inside and outside the home because he cant be tossed. what a selfish person and has the cheek to say he feels starved of affection! I don't know why you would waste time on a man like this. so many men out there are decent and you shack up with a **

you are asking if you have missed something? um....no..you have said quite a lot actually in one way or another. no intimacy and certainly little if any romance, he is difficult , can be nasty and paranoid at times, doesn't always wash himself, cannot discuss things like an adult obviously, the social and emotional manners of an animal it sounds like or quite possibly a tramp? who knows?

it comes across like he is just not a loving partner, hasn't the maturity or intelligence to not verbally have a go at you in front of your children, that must be a real treat for them!!!!! and you say you only think he loves you and that your relationship is not dead!!! (I actually laughed typing that last sentence sadly, but in a really cynical and damming way...I feel for you having to put up with this sort of behaviour, it is really not acceptable for anyone who is supposed to be in love with someone they care about.

at the moment your relationship is a joke I'm sorry, and if he wont help you fix it he is nothing but a fool.

what is a dead relationship for you if this is not a dead one?

in your words has become joyless.

if you want this sad case hanging around you 24-7 then only you can know if its worth your time and energy.

counselling can only work if both people want to change and make it work. at the moment you are getting nothing from him but aggression, tension and hassle.

just be careful that what starts out as verbal abuse or stroppy aggressive temper because of this situation doesn't build any further into physical abuse. I'm not saying he has ever hit you or would ever hit you because I don't know him or your situation when things get at their very worst, but I am just warning you to be careful that's all.

there are men out there (and some women too who behave like this and once they lose control things can build up over the years without you even seeing what he is doing and before you know it you are looking for refuge with friends and family ...these types of people always are sorry till the next time, and do whatever they can to manipulate you so you cant think for yourself any more, and always blame others instead of helping you to keep the relationship more healthy and not so controlling

he likes his own rules and the fact that you are playing along! I would say try to get counselling with him or tell him to get lost (don't put yourself or your kids through anymore of this arrogance, laziness and disrespect for you or your home).

you have other people in your family who need you more and you must think about your own life and mental health over this jerk. sorry to be blunt with you, I hope for your sake and the sake of your children you can get to a better place. but I am worried that this could be the start of something more unpleasant if you are not careful. ive seen too many times the fear and damage bad relationships that turn aggressive can lead to if not dealt with, because the partner thinks they can change the other person to be nicer and that they still love them no matter how badly they are treating them. get some professional advice about this situation. and do what is best for you and your children.

What user wrote.

If he will not go to counselling (such selfish entitled men never go to counselling anyway because they think they are doing nothing wrong here) I would go on my own and to also discover why you have put up with this situation for so long. I would never consider joint counselling with him anyway because of the verbal abuse; no decent counsellor would ever see the two of you in the same room in any case.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours are being met here?. He is also now not talking to you except to bellow at you instead.

Staying for the children as well is rarely if ever a good idea. They are not going to say "thanks mum" to you for staying with their dad if you choose to do so. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; that a loveless marriage is their norm too?. That is what you are both showing them, something for them to repeat themselves. You've already seen what effect your DHs parents poor example of a relationship had on him now you are repeating the same with your own children.

Attila and User, I am grateful for your long replies. Also a bit shocked, I guess. There are very bad times on occasion with him but on the whole it is mainly dreary, annoying and like any support or affection comes from myself or others around me apart from him.

I need to do a lot more thinking about this, clearly. Looks like I should at least try to get him to counselling. I worry things won't change. But he does love me in his strange way.