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Original poster

Dd text me to tell me she's gay -I feel terrible that she felt she couldn't talk to me face to face

24 replies

Emochild · 23/10/2016 14:31

Am I a terrible mother?

She's only 13, I've always said life isn't about who you love, it's about whether you are happy and a nice person

I genuinely mean it

But she couldn't talk to me

I feel bad

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 23/10/2016 14:33

Oh I think it's great they can text nowadays - it is embarrassing saying some things to parents and it's much easier in a text. You gave the right response, so hopefully she'll be happy to talk to you face-to-face about it.

Couchpotato3 · 23/10/2016 14:34

But she could talk to you - this is her way of opening the conversation, surely? My DS used to text me at that age when there was something difficult he wanted to talk about. She's telling you - be happy that she has done that. Now you can talk to her face to face.

Meadows76 · 23/10/2016 14:35

Honestly I wouldn't worry about it. Text is how they all communicate these days. Feel proud that she was able to tell you. You did a great job x

Winniethepooer · 23/10/2016 14:37

Your response is more important then how communicated with you.

Its about her not you.

Go & give her a hug. Shes only 13...

MatildaTheCat · 23/10/2016 14:42

She is talking to you, in the way that suits modern teens, via text. That's great that she feels happy to talk to you.

Now you can go and use actual words if she wants that. She might just feel that's all she wants to say for now.

eviloops · 23/10/2016 14:43

Remember, her coming out has nothing to do with you - it's all about her.

When I came out, i did it the way that would make me feel comfortable. It wasn't so much about who I was at it to, rather, it was about me not having the confidence in myself to openly admit it.

Now that I'm a lot older, in hindsight, I should have just got everyone together in one go and told the lot of them. Would have saved a hell of a lot of tears, reciting my conversation a million times in my head, and feeling guilty about how THEY would perceive me.

It's all about your daughter - let her do things the way she feels comfortable with.

Thank you for responding so well to this; being a parent is supposed to mean you love your children unconditionally: sadly, this wasn't the case in my situation. You're daughter is lucky to have such an open minded and supportive parent. Thanks you, on behalf of her.

Morporkia · 23/10/2016 14:48

at 13 my daughter called me into her bedroom and we had a conversation about her sexual orientation and her confusion. the whole talk took place with her head under her duvet because she was embarrassed. Face-to-face, via text or through the medium of interpretative dance, the important thing is that she chose to divulge this to me. Be proud that she respects and loves you enough to know she has no need to hide herself from you x

SaltyRock · 23/10/2016 14:49

Don't feel bad. It's great that she could tell you, in her own way. It's a very hard conversation to start. It's brilliant that she knows and is confident enough to tell you at this age. Now you can instigate a chat and and some cuddles.

Original poster

Emochild · 23/10/2016 14:50

I guess i'm just feeling guilty

Her older sister has ASD and I feel like she's had to text me because I don't make enough time for her

I try but constantly feel like i'm failing

OP posts:

roundandroundthehouses · 23/10/2016 15:00

Nah, they're all like that. It's natural to project your own feelings of guilt onto things, but in this case, honestly it's just the way they prefer to communicate. She clearly feels able to approach you about the big stuff, so you're doing something right :)

Morporkia · 23/10/2016 15:00

you are not failing. if you were, the likelihood is that she would have hidden her feelings from you {{massive hugs}}
is there any way you can devote an afternoon to her during half term? get a sitter for your older DD? or even make going out for cake & coffee once every couple of weeks, just to connect with her on your own/without DD1?

Saltfish · 23/10/2016 15:00

Don't be silly. Being an lgb youth or even adult for that matter comes with a lot of stigma. She may have heard stories of parents not being accepting so is scared to confide in you. The point is she has. It's not an easy conversation to have talking about your sexuality with a parent. Be proud of yourself. You really sound like a great mother!

Guiltypleasures001 · 23/10/2016 15:06

Hi op

It doesn't matter how she told you, the fact she did means she trusted in your reaction and it was the right one

I have in depth convos with my son mainly by text or email, it's easier to talk to a screen than face to face, goes for adults too.

For what it's worth you have a very confident child and it shoes where she gets it from

ftw · 23/10/2016 15:11

I often text difficult stuff. Easier for me to not have to form the sentences. Gives the person receiving text a chance to give a measured response. It does not AT ALL reflect on how I feel about that person.

Myusernameismyusername · 23/10/2016 15:12

You have to take your feelings out of this. She did tell you. You should be feeling proud of your relationship with her not trying to tie yourself up in guilty knots!!

Yoksha · 23/10/2016 15:25

I want to add, she is communicating to you. Now you know, you can support her rather than her ploughing on for years until you have your own suspicions. She's spared herself years of emotional trauma. Very mature action on her part.

My 36yr old daughter phoned me 19yrs ago to tell me she was pregnant, then hung up. Yes it was a shock at the time. When I picked my jaw up I decided it was too late for recriminations & I'd support her whatever decision she made.

Just think in 20yrs time none of this will matter. All that will remain will be memories of love & support. Plus a balanced adult daughter.

Creampastry · 23/10/2016 15:33

Have you acknowledged the text and given her a cuddle?

Original poster

Emochild · 23/10/2016 15:35

Yes I've replied

Can't give her a cuddle -she's at the park

OP posts:

pointythings · 23/10/2016 15:40

What matters is that she told you - that means you're doing it right. The rest is the usual parental guilt that life programs us to feel.

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 23/10/2016 15:57

Don't overthink it. I think texting is a great way of making it easier for her to talk about it when she sees you face to face! She's only 13!

RiverTam · 23/10/2016 16:00

That's wonderful that she feels she can tell you. She's got the potentially embarrassing bit out of the way, when she's back from the park you can give her a big hug them.

aginghippy · 23/10/2016 16:08

Don't forget, everything is embarrassing when you are a teenager.

Be proud of her for being honest with you. And proud of yourself for being a parent she loves trusts enough to be honest with.

DashboardLightParadise · 23/10/2016 16:12

I don't think it's not that she feels she can't say it face to face but it's less nerve wracking. I had to get drunk to tell my mum, obviously older than 13 , even though I knew she would have the same response as yourself. It's not about you, it's about her and you dealt with it perfectly.

StillMedusa · 23/10/2016 18:33

OP my DD1 was 20 before she finally came out... and did it by sending me a link to her blog. It wasn't that she thought we would be unsupportive (she knew we couldn't give a rat's ass as long as she was happy) but she just found it easier...

Your Dd is a young teenager.. life is difficult enough without having to TALK to your Mum :)

(Our whole family pretty much responded to DD1 with ' that's fine darling.. love you...go find a nice girlfriend...' ) (and she did)

My DS2 is autistic .. but Im pretty sure my lot communicate via text because they can :)

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