Husband won't engage with any money issues

Helprequired123 · 2016-10-22T17:54:38+00:00

Ladies Help me decide if this is something I need to walk away from. We have had serious marriage issues for 6 years since DH became depressed. He hasn't initiated sex once since then. Reluctantly does it a few times a year if I initiate ( I don't anymore). He's feeling a good bit better now. However, ( and I acknowledge we have a lot of other issues!) the ongoing money issues are wearing me down. He won't engage with money. Has serious childhood issues with money. I earn twice as much as him but we still put most of our salaries into a joint account. However, he won't, or can't, engage with me on family money things. Like any one off amounts ( like college fees of £1500 due Jan or the car insurance due next week or £500. What I have been doing for years is juggle things around without help until I come to a solution, which may involve a credit card for a few months. The money isn't the issue though, it's the lack of engagement regarding family expenses.he just leaves it all to me. I feel so tired of it all. The car is in his name. 3 weeks ago the car insurance renewal came to him. He didn't tell me. He told me today it's due Wednesday ( actually, I asked as I knew it was imminent). It's £500. He just shrugged his shoulders about where the money will come from. It's like this without most things I feel so down 😒

springydaffs · 22/10/2016 19:16

Surely this is a situation that is ripe for a therapist. Ie somewhere safe to talk through your viewpoints and to work through some solutions.

Please don't knock it. If your back was playing up good go to a back specialist. This is no different. Or would be refuse? Perhaps you have to make it a condition of going forward - and stand firm.

Lanaorana1 · 22/10/2016 19:25

How exhausting for you. And after so long you must be drained.

What are the upsides to DH?

CitySnicker · 22/10/2016 19:29

...not the point I know...but don't pay £500 for car insurance via renewal.
Depression can cause people to act as tho they are wearing blinkers tho. Opening post can be a huge thing for example. 'Dealing' with stressors can be very scary.

Original poster

Helprequired123 · 22/10/2016 19:35

Thanks ladies. I'm exhausted, down,sad and frustrated. He's a good man under it all. He has just so many issues, so many.... the money thing is very extreme though. I'm 99% out of the marriage now if I'm honest. Small kids and negative equity complicate things. I like the idea of counselling thanks to that poster but he's turned it down in the past

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SauvignonPlonker · 22/10/2016 22:35

You could have counselling for yourself, to see if you want to invest any more in the marriage.

As someone in a sexless relationship with a depressed partner, who is having money issues, I can relate to the "half way out the door" feeling. Being in limbo is pretty crap too.

Original poster

Helprequired123 · 23/10/2016 14:10

Thanks all.
I asked him this morning if he would go to counselling. He said he would, but not right now. I said I wanted to separate if he didn't.
I think I will make plans to divide the house up next summer when my eldest leaves home for a gap year. ( so I can have his room)
It's a long time to be in limbo though. Neither of us can afford to move out. I've had plenty of counselling, and it's ongoing.
Sauvignon plonk - what's your plan me dear ( if you don't mind me asking)

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SauvignonPlonker · 23/10/2016 14:37

That does sound like a plan for you.

For me, I was planning to stick it out for a couple of years, till DD starts school & childcare is affordable on my salary.

However DP is currently signed off work with depression & no longer being paid, so finances are coming to crisis point. We are at the point of not being able to pay the mortgage . This might accelerate the process if have to sell up.

So a plan of sorts, but hard to pull together with no family support, hugely expensive childcare & no entitlement to benefits.

Original poster

Helprequired123 · 23/10/2016 14:57

Sauvignon you situation is worse than mine. I'm very sorry. Could you go back to work now?

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RaingodswithZippos · 23/10/2016 15:03

Avoidance of triggers is really common in mental illness as a coping mechanism. I become anxious by knowing how much money is in the bank, and get really panicky even when rationally I know we will be OK. The way we manage is that DH checks how much is in and will tell me either we will be fine, we have more than expected or we need to go easy. All our bills go out by direct debit on the day after payday.

If you are finding it tiring, and it sounds like your system is becoming unworkable for you as a couple, then perhaps CBT or gentle exposure therapy for your DH to get him used to thinking about money and how to manage it. I am going to CBT at the moment as my anxiety has become too difficult to keep up the coping tactics and it is really starting to help.

SauvignonPlonker · 23/10/2016 15:06

I'm working already, part-time & trying to increase my hours.

The cost of childcare is horrific, £70 daily - so over 2K a month, which would be my entire f/t salary. Don't think I can rely on DP in the long-term, to pay maintenance (if he's off long-term) or do childcare ( if he's not).

Original poster

Helprequired123 · 23/10/2016 15:15

Thank you ladies
Thank you rain gods that's interesting. I think his issues are also to do with feelings of low self esteem. Interesting idea and I hope you are progressing well yourself with the Cbt. Sauvignon how the bloody hell does a Creche cost £2000 a month?!!!!!

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SauvignonPlonker · 23/10/2016 15:21

Full time childcare for 1 nursery-age child & 1 in school wrap-around is a fortune. Hence waiting till DD starts school - it will be 360/month then.

Original poster

Helprequired123 · 23/10/2016 17:25

Wow that's a fortune

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JoJoSM2 · 23/10/2016 19:36

Sauvignon, couldn't you just move out and get an au pair?

Helprequired123, why are you still in that relationship? I understand you might be in negative equity but you're happiness and well being are surely more important than some money? If I was in your shoes, I'd probably feel desperate and I'd kick him out + get a lodger to get by... Or some benefits, whatever's available. I wouldn't want to endure the nightmare for a single day more.

BlueBlueSkies · 23/10/2016 20:37

My exh was like this. He was happy to spend money but refused to engage in conversations about money, not take any responsibility. I earned twice what he did.

When I was on mat leave with our second, he was not working and we had hardly any money coming in, I still had DS1 at nursery. I told exh that I did not know how we were going to pay the mortgage, he shrugged and said that he was sure I could work it out and left the room. I had to go back to work early.

I struggled on with him for another 5 years and then left him.

springydaffs · 23/10/2016 22:37

I was going to say he may have issues with your salary twice the size of his. But of Blues grim sorry is anything to go by, some people are on the gravy train..

SauvignonPlonker · 23/10/2016 23:02

JoJo I don't think an au pair would look after a 3 year old for nearly 50 hours a week. And rentals in this area are 1500+ per month, which I couldn't afford from a 2K salary. Plus I need to stay in this area for another 2 years to get DD in to the same school as her brothers.

Am just trying to sit tight for a couple of years so I can have all my ducks lined up.

Original poster

Helprequired123 · 24/10/2016 07:09

Mine has low mental health and is a good person -it's hard isn't it? Xx

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Original poster

Helprequired123 · 24/10/2016 21:26

Thank you all for your useful and thoughtful comments. Wish u all the very best xx

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MrsWashington · 24/10/2021 10:06

I really need some support with no judgment am I really at rock bottom.

My daughter is 13 years old and she is mine from a previous relationship.

The relationship between DD and DH is strained. DD attitude, mood swings, door slamming not keeping room tidy, answering back are becoming more and more frequent due to age.

My idea of discipline and DH idea are two different things. He shouts a lot. Not just at DD but at me too if we have a disagreement even though I have told him I do not like the way it makes me feel (nervous, anxious etc)

He claims it’s because he was brought up that way and keeps harping on about when we was growing up, if we behaved the way she does, we would have got smacked.

There have been a few incidents between them both and it came to a head were she was being a stroppy teenager after we took her and her friend out resulting in my husband shouting in the middle of a seaside town we are finished me and you to my daughter, you are nothing but a spoiled brat. He then continued onto say to me I think her Christmas spends should be limited and also went so far as stating she might not be able to come on the family holiday next year. It went too far and the end result is me having a conversation with him stating she's my daughter and I do not like the way you discipline her, I have asked him to back off and let me do it if she misbehaves.

This has all come to a head and he is basically saying it's wrong that in his own home he isn't allowed to discipline her. He states its wrong in his own home he isn't allowed to say anything.

My point being though, she had her friends round, her room ended up being messy, instead of addressing this when her friends had gone, he went into her room when her teenage friends were there saying tidy your room its a mess etc etc instead of asking her when her friends had gone, he doesn't ask he shouts. I pulled him up on this, I have been a teenage girl and would have been that embarrassed if my Dad had done that in front of my friends.

He states that if he asks her once she should do it straightaway. My view is that kids are kids and sometimes they don't jump on demand at the first asking. You do sometimes have to ask a couple of times.

Furthermore, the finance situation we have. We used to have separate finances. We paid 50/50 for everything but because I work part time and him full time at the end of the month he used to have significantly more money left than me as I had my child to pay for too. His answer to that was its not his fault he earns more. When I did end up getting some maintenance off my daughters dad (its few and far between) he stated I should give him half as he pays towards the food and roof over her head!

That ended up in a big row and basically cut a long story short we ended up getting a joint account. I get questions as to what this you have spent on the banking app (cleaning products at home bargains) etc etc and feel very conscious if I want to withdraw money for DD or other things.

He states he is like this because he had nothing growing up but he wasn't like this when I met him.

He bought me an expensive winter jacket but then told me I better look after it and not to hang it on the coat hooks it was to go in the wardrobe upstairs, speaking to me like I was his child. He bought my DD some leggings for £45.00 and shouts look at the way she behaves after I bought her them and took her friend out.

The disagreement last night ended with as I have asked him to back off and let me establish the boundaries with her...his response, this is MY house MY house (no mention of mine or DD's home) and I can't discipline her!!! No because I dont like the way you do, you go too far and shout and it makes me and her anxious. He said well the only thing left is for us to split up then.

Sorry for the long post I have just reached rock bottom and am struggling to cope.

Sparkai · 24/10/2021 10:16

@MrsWashington