I think I'm in love but it's complicated

[whatdoido1234]

I've been in a relationship for 3 years. We met though work and although I never felt a real spark, he was a really good guy and so I gave it a chance. And it grew into a solid, dependable, warm relationship.

He was technically my boss when I started at the company but I transferred to another department after 6 months. Then I got an email out of the blue from him asking me out. There was nothing to say that we couldn't date as we were no longer working together and our relationship went from strength to strength, eventually moving in together a year later.

I do love him, and as I said earlier, he is a good man. He's a couple of years younger than me though and less experienced relationship wise. He spent the most of his 20s building up his career, maybe at the expense of his personal life.

He's not one for romance though and if I'm honest, this has been an issue right from the start. Any attempt by me to be spontaneous and romantic is met with a pause, hesitation then the moment's gone and I come back down to earth with a bump. I've tried gently trying to bring it out of him, nurture a romantic environment but I have come to believe that he just isn't able to reciprocate. Because I do feel some kind of romance in him, even though it is very inhibited. Or maybe he just doesn't feel it enough for me.

Sex has dwindled to practically nothing, we never had much of an active sex relationship to begin with but the past 18 months or so, I'm lucky if I get any sex at all. I can count on one hand how many times we've DTD this year.

But that all said, he is safe and dependable and I care for him very much.

I have initiated conversations about where he thinks our relationship is going, and I've been quite frank about being frustrated by our lack of sex life and romance. But every time I suggest taking a break, he gets very emotional and promises to put more effort in. And I do believe him. As I said, I do feel some passion in him deep down. But nothing really changes and I just think this is who is and maybe this is just an area of our relationship that will never be amazing. There are other important areas that do work though, such as trust, respect and honesty. Values that I treasure above and beyond all else.

Recently, I went to a University reunion. And there was an old friend, Mark, who'd been in his postgrad year when I was a fresher. We were great friends for years and nearly got together - but after a week of dating as a couple (rather than hanging out as friends) I got a job abroad and we decided that a long distance relationship so early on wasn't going to work. We liked each other enough as friends to want to remain so and didn't want the potential complications of a relationship to spoil what we had.

And for years we stayed in touch periodically. Whilst abroad, I got into a serious relationship that lasted 5 years and during this period, out of respect for my then boyfriend, we limited contact although we'd occasionally send each other friendly Facebook messages on birthdays, christmas etc.

When my ex and I broke up, I moved back to the UK and got back in touch with Mark to see if he wanted to hang out again. But he'd just started seeing a woman who he ended up being engaged to. Needless to say, out of respect for his relationship we didn't have contact during this time.

Then his engagement ended and, yes, you've guessed it - by then I had met my DP!

So, back to the present now and the reunion a fortnight ago. It was so good to see Mark again and we had such a laugh reminiscing over old times. We went on to have dinner and I suddenly felt guilty, like I was cheating on my DP and so I made my excuses and went home.

Over the next few days, we've been texting and having very honest conversations. I've made it very clear that I have no intention of having an affair, although some might say that I'm already some sort of emotional one.
It's just that the time has come, I think both feel it, to be honest about our feelings in a mature and sensible way. Put any ideas about being together away for good or to finally take the leap of faith and take the chance.

He has told me that he loves me. Always has. That no-one has come close to the way he feels when we're together. I feel the same.

But what about my DP? I know I have to tell him what's been happening this past couple of weeks. We are not currently living together as he's in Ireland (on a six month contract) so we only see each other every other weekend.
We own this house together, have a joint mortgage and bank account and as far as our families are concerned, we're as good as married. It would cause no end of a scandal if I were to leave him for another man.

I'm seeing him later tonight.

How and what should I tell him and what should I do about Mark?

Feeling confused and it's not made easier by the fact that I can't stop thinking about Mark and each time I do, I feel butterflies and can't stop smiling in the soppiest way.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this long OP!

I know it's always easier from the outside, but this one is simple to me: split up from OH (you deserve to be with someone who cherishes you, and he deserves to be with someone who won't resent him for his low sex drive and lack of romantic gestures). Tell Mark you don't want him to be a rebound thing and you need some space, but you will contact him in a few months and go from there.

Please don't have a baby with someone that you are so unsure about!

Um, am flattered by your last post tiger. I don't quite understand it as I think your original post was obviously saying you thought I was sourcing material for a book! But never mind. I'm not looking for a fight here.

You are wrong OP but my fault entirely.

Your opening post was very well written, but all over the place in my lifetime experience (no education).

I hope you achieve what you are seeking. I am sure you will. Just take up writing, you have the gift.

It's different now though, isn't it?

It's easy enough to 'settle' when there aren't any tangible options on the table and convince yourself that it's happiness. But there is a whole potential different life opening up now and suddenly you are not sure if you want to settle.

If you do stay, will you always been wondering 'what if' and 'if only'...? I think that's different from the not-quite-perfect but I love him brand of settling that I agree does happen to some extent.

Plus, you're not sure if you're in love with someone else...I'm not sure that doesn't go beyond settling to an extent, IYSWIM.

Ooooh....too analytical.

Not necessary.

Eh? I'm trying to clarify what I meant by my earlier point. Probably not very well, albeit, but trying anyway.

Don't stay. You can't ttc without having sex! He isn't the man for you, no matter how nice he is.

Ask Mark to give you time to separate from DP and get sorted before you jump head first into a relationship with him.

Deal with DP first then when you're free of him you can move on and if Mark is part of your future so much the better. If you stay with DP you're throwing your life away and you know that.

I think that's different from the not-quite-perfect but I love him brand of settling that I agree does happen to some extent.

Yes, I think this is exactly it. Before I saw Mark again, I think I'd convinced myself that this is where DP and I were. But now...well, lets just say that I'm feeling hormones that making babies are good for, but not for the one I'm in a relationship with .

I think you're trying to have your cake and eat it really OP, not necesssarily consciously but TTC with a man you're not even convinced now is the man you want as a life partner? staying with him because other people say this is how long term relationships end up? having Mark lined up?

You say you do love DP and that he's a good man, so do him the courtesy of telling him straight that you're no longer sure about your life together and at the very least separate until you work out what you do want. If you are to have a child, or if you do want to make a life with Mark, then do it in a clear cut way.

That's the fairest on everyone, including you and your emotional wellbeing.

If you were single and being asked out by both of these men, who would you choose?

The thing with relationships that mellow, though, is that they weren't always like that. People who talk about how relationships become safe and comforting and all those things had the spark to begin with, which then slowly faded out into something deeper. From what you've written, OP, it doesn't sound like you ever felt madly besotted with your DP - you write that "although I never felt a real spark, he was a really good guy and so I gave it a chance" - so that foundation is missing. It does sound like you've settled rather than had the relationship settle around you, IYSWIM?

Dont settle. Go for happiness if you have the chance. I settled and I regret it every day

Yes. I think I know deep down that we're at a stalemate and one of us has to make that final move.

I'll wait until the end of the month though. His brother is getting married next week and I think it wouldn't be fair to bring this up now, before the wedding. DP is best man and so is heavily involved in the run up etc, plus I think he wouldn't be able to not tell his family.

Thanks for all the great advice here. Truly appreciate it and I knew I could find the right answer through talking here.

hello what do I do 1234, I am new here so I don't fully understand a lot of the abbreviations people are using when they write capital letters, but I will do my best to add my advice to the advice help you have already.

from what I can see there doesn't seem much point staying with your current relationship from what you've said, even the basics are not there!!!! and it has become more of a habit for your partner than anything else and I thing that's is why he is emotional when it is close to breaking up, I think deep down he knows it is already over for you both. which is always sad for the person involved.

hello what do I do 1234, I am new here so I don't fully understand a lot of the abbreviations people are using when they mention capital letters, but I will do my best to add my advice to the list you have already.

there doesn't seem much point staying with your current relationship from what you've said, even the basics are not there!!!! and it has become more of a habit for your partner than anything else and I thing that's is why he is emotional when it is close to breaking up, I think deep down he knows it is already over for you both. which is always sad for the person involved.

I think you should take a chance with mark and tell him how you feel a.s.a.p. and ask to meet him to discuss things with him in person, so you can see his reactions and find out what he wants, does he want long term relationship, does feel he can match your feelings and you can go forward together. until you know these things you cannot decide one way or another and you could end up losing everything.

I agree with others here not to tell your partner about mark, it is only more hurt for him right now and the real issue isn't mark; it's that you have been with your partner for 3 years and you don't feel it is going anywhere.

3 years is plenty of time for you to feel if someone is giving what you need ! ironically the first person you need to be talking to about feelings and where to go or what to do is Mark, not to be sly but to find out what his long term intentions are, how deep he actually feels and can he commit to the values you say you want from a partner.

it is not easy with joint finances and shared property etc but many others in life have sought professional advice to negotiate these kind of shared responsibilities when love goes badly.

If you have commitment from your partner to sort out these financial responsibilities you can both get a fairer deal out of what will be a difficult time for you both.

as far as emotional cheating? you've had a reunion meal in a very open place with a man that is a friend (even though you have some feelings for you, nothing has happened so he is still a friend) and that is all it was just a meal, you say you don't believe in cheating so you have been respectful.

some people like to scandalise other people's lives sadly because they don't really have much of a life themselves, you know the sort of people, the gossips, the desperate jealous ones who try reputation damage, the ones who stir it up without knowing anything about the people they are rubbishing, there's so many of those people around and sadly online too at times.

but keep respectful of your partner, of mark, and be honest with yourself. I think if you take a break from your partner the moment you've spoken or met with mark and know his thoughts and feelings then no one has a right to make you feel like there is a scandal.

if you are worried about scandal, just keep your personal life to yourself.

its nobody else's business anyway who you love so don't involve them if they cannot support you or you are afraid who you can trust in this.

so that is my thoughts. speak to mark FIRST, then cool off with your partner and tell him you want a break, don't hurt your partner with tales of mark and what you feel for him, tell mark to give you space to sort this out properly, use the time to sort your home etc and if you are lucky you may get another chance to love again with someone you actually do want. GOOD LUCK.

I think if you are unhappy end it with your dp. Stop texting the om for now because it will easily look to your dh like you've started an affair. If other man really does love you as he says, then he will respect you enough to hold back. Like he Of course has done all these other years.

hi. I ve read all of the stuff posted for you and I think basically everyone is right that says give Mark a chance. but I would also like to say to you. if it was me that had found someone as good and kind as mark seems to be; I wouldn't be hanging around waiting to tell him how you feel about him, I would let him know the moment I knew my feelings had grown that I thought he was special and that I would like to try with him in the future and ask him if he could just wait for you to get your life sorted, so he knows where he stands with you.

be careful that you don't take a good man for granted by thinking he will wait for you without talking to him first (unless you already have spoken to him about wanting to be with him when you are free).if you lose him again I am not sure you will get another chance with him, so be very careful you don't screw it up being so caught up trying to sort out the mess your current partner and you are unhappily in.

what are you going to do if you wait around too frightenend to talk to Mark about your feelings and he has gone out with friends and met someone because he didn't really know just how deep you feel for him!

There are many ladies out there just waiting to meet someone as good as Mark who wont be afraid to show what they feel and can offer him just as much care and deep love that you can, and others that will have other things on their mind with such a hot catch who is now single.

someone else on line also mentioned regret, and it is not a good place to be as I'm sure many people can identify with, especially if you could have avoided it just by being a bit more assertive and upfront with Mark.

i suspect you are already feeling regret with the man you have fallen out of love with; are you also now going to risk yet more heartache and regret if Mark meets someone on a night out or if his mates try and hook him up with someone they know who is single.

good people who are not going to mess you around are not easy to find, especially if you know you have a mutually respectful and loving bond already that can develop further.

of course, if you haven't spoken to Mark then that is your choice and yet we cant decide for you, but so many people are saying the same thing here, and I'm sure no one that has taken the time to answer your initial question would want you on here for your next thread; upset because you let your chance go.

some of the best and most lasting relationships happen because there is already a connection there and people got to be friends first who were not afraid to communicate their love. once you tell him it will be a weight of your mind and you can concentrate on the crap stuff knowing you have someone good to turn to when all of this mess has settled down again.