Need advice and reassurance

[Asaroe91]

Ive been married for a year and a half and its been the worse experience of my life. Me and my husband have been together almost 10 years. I got pregnant before marriage and have since had 2 babies. A yr apart. As soon as married life began n i moved in with my husband, he has treated me like an outsider. He stopped caring for me. Chose to socialise, do drugs, drink, flirt with girls instead of looking after me. Left me panicking a few times. Also has hit me while pregnant n holding my eldest. The last incident he was arrested n i moved to my mums. I nèeded support n he was never there 4 me. I became depressed. Ive even taken pills 2 end the pain. I regretted it as soon as i did it. I went 2 my mums seeking help bcz my husband had told me 2 die. He didnt care 4 me or our kids. Hes wished them dead bcz he didnt want 2 look at me anymore n then decided he didnt mean it. We r seperated at the moment but for some reason ive allowed him 2 convince me mre than twice in the past few months that we could work through it. But i cant let go of the past yr and a half being married to him. Hes put me through so much the previous 8 yrs dnt even matter to me anymore. Im struggling to let go even though im angry at him alll the time. I know i dont want this relationship anymore. But for some reason my head tells me somethings else. N i let him back in only to hurt me again. Its effects my kids too when my eldest stays with him on the weekends he comes back upset and had sleepless nights waking up crying the night that he comes back to me. I hate it but my husband doesnt understand anything. He accuses me of using the kids against him when he always brings them up in the arguements. When we do argue about them its when we cnt agree on their wellbeing. I feel defeated n worn down. Its starting to effect my ability to look after my kids. I cry alot and im angry at him n his family for thinking no damage has been caused. N for assuming about me and my family. I need some kind of advice. Has anyone else been in this situation or similar?

Good luck OP.

Ive finally taken action and cut him out of my life. As far as the kids go, I told him if he wants to see them then we speak about them through someone else. We spoke through his mum last weekend. When I told him I didnt want to talk to him anymore, I got called selfish for leaving the kids fatherlessn then when I said it will be him leaving them fatherless if he chooses not to want them. He then accuses me of bringing them into the conversation. I blocked him from then. Havent spoken to him since. I know I will get all sorts of accusations and stuff but I dont care. I have to feel good about myself in order for me to look after my kids. He doesnt understand that so I didnt bother giving him the millionth explanation. Thank you for allll the comments and advice. You have all given me courage to do what I was finding very difficult. I am still going to seek some legal advice but for now I am going to relax n take my mind of things. If he starts to harrass me via other means then I will report him. Thank you again. I really appreciate it. X

OP. That's just the best update, you sound so strong and positive. You've really got the measure of him. This situation is of his doing, don't pay any heed to any old bollocks about you upsetting the family, leaving the kids fatherless. Did he worry about that when he hit you when you were pregnant and holding your eldest? Of course not.

Communication through a third party, exactly the right thing to do. He's a disgrace, and is lucky to have any contact given his (documented) violence towards you. You hold all the cards, you're the better parent. As you say, relax and enjoy your babies with your lovely mum to support you. The accusations from a man like him are baseless and irrelevant. We only care about the opinions of people we respect, and there's nothing to respect about him.

Take care.

Great update OP. You are strong and will be fine with your DC. It's great that you have your mum to support you. You've got away from him so he won't be happy, but you deserve to be. Get legal advice and ignore his threats. Take care