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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

abuse

11 replies

herwegoagain123 · 21/10/2016 23:57

Married for donkeys years. First 15 years DH when kids were little he was always away and wouldn't even say when or where he was going. He had a fling I think. Carried on with naive view of world. am idiot.
So I had an affair and we seperated.
Affair broke up and he came back still distant and aloof but I trusted him. Fast forward six years and I discover escorts going back at least ten years.
So i tried to make it work. But after six years he is still mentioning my affair and that escorts gave him comfort and it was revenge sex. He refuses to apologise for this and cant see why it would cause me to be distressed. If I have a glass of wine he says I'm an alcoholic but really he just doesn't want to communicate. He wants everything on his terms. Duh.

OP posts:
Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 22/10/2016 00:00

in fact I feel he is still filled with hatred and can mete out abuse and likes to see me distressed. He refuses to listen to me and says I don't have to do what you say. Nightmare of my own making.

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 22/10/2016 00:05

Why are you with him exactly? I'm not sure I'm seeing abuse - just two people full of resentment and hating each other's guts...

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 22/10/2016 00:08

Of course its abuse to not own your mistakes. He's blaming me for everything when i've tried to make it work. He thinks if I talk about anything he's being attacked.

OP posts:
dirtywindows · 22/10/2016 00:11

I agree with jojo

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 22/10/2016 00:24

I don't hate anybody that's not my style.

OP posts:
Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 22/10/2016 00:24

I just object to the comfort and revenge belief.

OP posts:
Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 22/10/2016 00:27

Would you not be distressed to hear your partner say he found comfort with prostitutes. He also is full of contempt for how hurt I was.

OP posts:
Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 22/10/2016 00:27

It's hardly a normal conversation is it?

OP posts:
iknowimcoming · 22/10/2016 00:28

Seems to me you are not right for each other full stop. The details of who did what, when and who was the most badly behaved are irrelevant. You need to move on with your lives, good luck BlushFlowers

iknowimcoming · 22/10/2016 00:28

Don't know what the Blush is for (fat fingers)

PoppyPicklesPenguin · 22/10/2016 00:30

Two wrongs certainly don't make a right.

Sounds to me like you should have separated a long time ago, but you didn't.

I'm guessing after your separation you came to some sort of agreement and I hope you both tired to regain trust (doesn't sound like you ever achieved this IMO)

If you went into the next phase of that relationship with the agreement neither of you would ever go outside your marriage again and you didn't then I think you have every right to feel hurt and cheated on.

I think if you have been faithful throughout this entire time, you absolutely need to move on now.

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