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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what to think - painful sex

21 replies

tempname654321 · 21/10/2016 18:41

I would like some help please in sorting out my thoughts on something.

I left a relationship that was emotionally abusive. It was very difficult to get out because of his behaviour. Since then I have found another relationship with someone really nice and respectful.

Those two men are the only two that I have had sex with.

When in the previous relationship sex was often painful - I have a scar from a tear during childbirth (towards the back) and he would often, either with fingers or during intercourse, put pressure onto, or pull on the scar. I had to repeatedly tell him not to, but he always seemed to forget or not be able to remember.
There was one occasion in particular where he was very rough and I was crying due to the pain and afterwards spent a couple of hours crying in the bathroom. He said that he wasn't aware of my distress, and hadn't heard me crying (en-suite, so not far away. I was in agony and so I'm sure audible). To be fair I didn't tell him to stop, I can't explain why, just that I decided instead to hope for it to be over.

Now I am in a new relationship. And have never been hurt. I have not discussed the scarring with the new man, as I didn't want to raise it if it wasn't an issue. And it never has been. I was possibly willing to think of the previous pain or pulling as accidental or inadvertent, but the fact that it hasn't been repeated in the new relationship makes me wonder.

I really struggled to get out of the old relationship, and I'm aware that there were some things that were not right about the way I was being treated that I couldn't see for some time.

So I'm not sure now what to make of the previous sex - was I just unlucky or was my ex unreasonable or possibly deliberately hurting me. Any take on it would be welcome.

OP posts:
Original poster
tempname654321 · 21/10/2016 18:43

I need to add: I was inspired to write this by the other similar topic currently in the forum - but it is 2 different people and situations in case there is any confusion

OP posts:
ddrmum · 21/10/2016 19:23

I'm so sorry you had to go through this Sad It sounds very much like your ex enjoyed hurting you. Sometimes we just deal with the pain as it's easier than the hassle of mentioning it or the abuse abd/or arguments from not letting them, ahem, 'enjoy' themselves. I'm glad you are in a new, kinder relationship. Enjoy it Flowers

Original poster
tempname654321 · 21/10/2016 21:48

Thanks. When we were together I thought for a really long time that he was a nice person. Its hard to understand now why I thought that.

OP posts:
nonameavaliable · 21/10/2016 21:56

Oh op I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Your previous partner ENJOYED hurting you and did it DELIBERATELY it was just another forum of ABUSE.

Most men (well I hope most) want their partner's to enjoy sex and would be horrified and distressed if they caused unintentional pain during sex. This includes bdsm relationships where unitentional pain in the course of consenting playing would still be avoided at all costs.

Your ex sounds like a horrid abusive man.

How are you doing now? If your struggling with any aspect of your previous relationship please consider talking to someone or reaching out on here. You will be heard and find compassion from posters and professionals alike.

Well done you for getting away from this excuse of a man. Flowers.

nonameavaliable · 21/10/2016 22:08

One more thing the thinking he was nice thing. I think was probably the "representative" where you were shown a nice person who disappeared in stages and the real person is revealed. Many abusive people use this tactic imho. Combined with subtle and not subtle abuse designed to erode yourself esteem and self beliefs.

Look at it this way, if you went on your 1st date and your date abused you, threatened you and caused you pain. Would you go on a 2nd date of tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck?

So they start nice and slowly the mask slips all the time they slowly demeaning you, subtle digs, isolating your from friends and family, by the time the mask is fully off your in such a state of confusion and dependence (through no fault of your own) that you litterally don't know which way is up.

I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone else but it does to me and if it helps just one other person then that's only a good thing.

PickAChew · 21/10/2016 22:12

Sadly, not only was he EA, it seems he was a a physically abusive shitbag, too. I know this realisation can come as a shock.Flowers

Have you had any counselling since leaving your ex?

Wallywobbles · 21/10/2016 22:14

Sorry but he enjoyed your pain. Sad to say my abusive ex did too.

It really alters your perception of yourself and brings you to despair because most normal people are horrified by the idea of causing others pain. So it's very difficult to get your head round the idea that this person who "loves" you wants to hurt you.

Original poster
tempname654321 · 21/10/2016 22:15

Thanks. I am struggling with the past. I'm distressed by what happened, and also that I took so long to realise how bad it all was. He made it very difficult for me to leave, and we still have to have on-going contact (children and a shared business interest). He is being much more careful in how he interacts with me now, but is still difficult.

He tends to use being ineffectual as a way of controlling me, and trying to get me to take all responsibility, I think so that he can blame me when things go wrong. As an example we still haven't agreed the financial side of things yet for the divorce - we agreed it verbally but he is quibbling over the written document. I think its just another way of him trying to cling onto things.

OP posts:
Original poster
tempname654321 · 21/10/2016 22:18

I haven't had any counselling. Though I have lots of really lovely friends who helped me massively in talking some of it through (though I don't want to disclose the sexual stuff to them).

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

OP posts:
nonameavaliable · 21/10/2016 22:20

How quickly can you get away from him? Are you dealing with things yourself or via solicitor?

If your not using a solicitor please consider doing so, anyway you can distance yourself from him clinging to control is a plus.

What is happening with the business? Can you buy him out or leave and set up again?

Does anyone know in rl? Don't feel you have anything to be ashamed off.

Would you consider talking to a councillor they can really help you not only process the past but give you a safe space to process your emotions over the divorce etc.

Original poster
tempname654321 · 21/10/2016 22:35

I hope that it might not be too much longer - I am using a solicitor but have so far done the communication with ex on the documentation myself.

The business things shouldn't be a hassle generally - its not a full on business as such, a much smaller thing (without wanting to out myself with detail) sadly no prospect of buying each other out as we would both like to be rid of it. Though there might be a buyer in a few months time, fingers crossed.

My friends in RL do know that he was abusive. It was them that really helped me see it - my side of the family don't really know though - they are aware of some extreme behaviour but see it as being an understandable reaction of his to my leaving him. I think I need to explain more clearly to them what he was like and how frightened I was. He still tries to maintain social contact with them and they allow it. I find that really difficult, though I understand that the fact that he is the father of the children probably makes them more inclined to be civil to him.

OP posts:
nonameavaliable · 21/10/2016 22:55

Well sounds like you are on the home run.

I'd definately talk to your family, you don't need to say sexually abusive if you don't want to. Just say he was physically abusive, the more support you have around you the tougher your armour against him.

Original poster
tempname654321 · 21/10/2016 23:06

Hopefully. I'm not sure if he will try to find other ways to control, but I feel like my head is getting straighter by the day, making me better able to withstand it. Its a long road though and I'm sure I have a long way to go emotionally. Reading other peoples posts on mumsnet who are in similar situations, and now replies to my own, has been very helpful.

OP posts:
Queenoftheblues · 21/10/2016 23:42

It could also be that your new man is a better lover who gets you more aroused and lubricated than the previous guy.

JoJoSM2 · 21/10/2016 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dollius01 · 22/10/2016 04:53

God JoJo, what a load of crap. OP please don't let that last comment derail you

laurenandsophie · 22/10/2016 05:04

Wow JoJo, seriously, get help. Seriously.
OP, whether your ex did it intentionally or not, the sex wasn't fulfilling for you and caused you pain. Even unintentionally is awful. However, it's not unlikely that it was intentionally. Remembering where a vag scar is isn't difficult. Good on you for breaking away.

Original poster
tempname654321 · 22/10/2016 08:20

In my defence Jojo - I repeatedly told him when he was hurting me, just never told him to stop the intercourse. I'm not sure why.
You probably have a point. Clearly I have issues. I see what you mean in your post and worry that I'm not assertive enough. I don't think that I'm unfairly vilifying the ex though, I think that my main issue there was having an assumption (that he was a nice person) and continuing to believe that long after I reasonably should have done. I'm possibly not explaining the thing about control very well - I find it hard to understand, on one hand I thought he was a really nice person, on the other hand he would lose his temper when he wasn't getting his way and shout and scream to the point where I was terrified. I think that he worries about losing things, and feeling that they aren't under control and reacts aggressively when that happens.

What you say about repeating behaviour does concern me, and that if things got bad again would I get into the same dynamic. I think that I have got myself a lot stronger since we split, but I also have a long way to go.

OP posts:
Queenoftheblues · 22/10/2016 10:58

Op you were in an abusive relationship which means you were in denial. Only when you are out of the relationship can you look back and start seeing things more clearly. Don't let one nasty post cause you to justify yourself. I have been where you are and totally get the passiveness this causes. Such a shame you had to be abused on here after you had the strength to leave that pig. Hugs to you x

IamalsoSpartacus · 23/10/2016 09:01

Hello OP, my heart absolutely goes out to you as another survivor of EA. It can cast a very long shadow.

I would really recommend getting counselling to help with your healing. It is a shame that you still have to deal with your abuser.

Like you, I found it hard to understand how someone who claims to love a person hurts them instead. I still don't know, because I have decided not to think about it any more. It is their problem, not your problem. The fact that you find it incomprehensible shows that you are a good person with normal expectations of a relationship.

be kind to yourself Flowers

Original poster
tempname654321 · 25/10/2016 09:54

Thanks again for the advice and support. Its very helpful to have other peoples perspective on things.

OP posts:
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