Help - I'm married and so is the man I've fallen for.

[bestoftimes32]

I'm really struggling and could do with some non judgemental advice.

My long term DP and I have been married for 8 years and we have a beautiful DD who is 6 (going on 18!). I thought I was happy with him, we had our ups and downs like any couple and have gone through some really tough times. We have really active social lives and support each other and love each other.

But I guess for a long time I knew things weren't right between us. I couldn't put my finger on it. Then I met someone who was a breath of fresh air. He is also married and we just connected. At first I thought it was just fancying each other but it's developed into something a lot deeper.

Things came to ahead when I just told my DP over dinner. I couldn't bottle it up anymore. He was angry and upset but said he wanted to work through what had happened.

Now we are at counselling and I can't help feeling that I am working on the wrong relationship. He has been violent in the past but nothing I couldnt handle and I do care for him and don't want anything to affect our DD.

He has suggested that we try for a second child. I have no idea what to do and my head is spinning. Any help would be great.

Don't try for a second child. Band aid babies never work, and he could well be trying to make you vulnerable so you can't leave.

To be honest if he's been violent, you shouldn't be there. There isn't an acceptable level of violence. It's not manageable. It's totally unacceptable.

In tandem, if you're now attracted to someone else, it sounds like this has run its course. Work out your financial and residential plans and end things. Make sure you stay safe.

Married man is a no go because he's married. He's an indicator that what you have isn't good, but that's it. Go no contact with him. If it's meant to be between you, he'll leave his family and you can get together further down the line when the damage of the break ups won't affect your new relationship.

If your husband has been violent to you in the past, that's just plain wrong. Utterly wrong. That would be reason enough for me as a friend to beg you to leave the man. "Nothing I can't handle" - you should never have to hear those words. What if your daughter came to you at the age of 18 and said her boyfriend was violent but they she could handle it? Would you think it a good thing for her to stay with him?

The love for another man may be what's making you confused right now, but if you take him out of the equation, why are you staying with your husband at all?

Are you stuck there because of finances? If so, maybe you need to speak to someone about how you could afford to leave.

If its about not wanting to walk away from a marriage where your husband has been violent, you need the support of friends and family who love it and don't want you or your daughter to be hurt by him.

If you do decide to leave, it doesn't have to be into the arms of a married man - you could move out in your own with DD and start a new life that way. If Mr Married Man becomes single again, that's great and you carry on. But you have to accept that may never happen.

Best wishes OP, but think of yours and your daughter's safety before worrying about this other man. Please.

Don't try for a second child.

Go for counselling on your own - couple's counselling is about trying to save a relationship you're not interested in saving.

Stay away from the married man - diverting attention away from her and towards him during a break up is what will damage your daughter, not her parents splitting up.

Give yourself a time frame - decide that in 1, 3, 6 months from now you will be out of your marriage and set up and secure with your daughter.

Tell this other man that you want no contact from him in this time - he will then be free to decide what he wants to do with his marriage; leave or stay.

If this new man is meant to be, he will still be there in 6 months time and you will be able to begin a legitimate relationship with him without any of the sneaking around and sleaziness and disrespect.

If your DH has been violent in the past then I would suggest there is more abusive behaviour to add to it.
Do not have joint counselling with him.
Go to counselling yourself and find out why you stayed when your 'D'H was violent to you.
Cut all contact with the OM and work on yourself.
For extra support dealing with abuse please contact Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247